a winter poem for children?

Question

This is another translation from my language into English. Would you like to tell me where should I work more, where it doesn't sound like English. The poem is a poem for children.


Help!

White night?
Mist? Clouds?
Who is asking
For help?
All the city’s waking up,
All the lights inside are winking…
The door,
“Who built me in?”
The window,
“Oh, my God, I’m going blind!”
The thermometer,
“I have one mile of a beard!”
The chimney,
“I can’t breathe anymore!”
The roof,
“My hat is a mountain!”
The fence,
“There’s a bridge over me!”
The apricot tree,
“I’m buried to my neck!”
The tram,
“I got frozen over night!”
The road
(as if from a barrel),
“Hey, help, help me out!
I’m dying! Dig me out!”

Answer 1

All the city’s waking up,
All the lights inside are winking…

--You might want "all the lights in the houses are winking". "Winking" sounds odd, but in a rather poetic way so I'd keep it.

Are the other lines all what each is saying? I don't find that clear, I'd suggest verbs.

The door wonders,
“Who built me in?”

(Not really sure, maybe "who's locked me in?" or "blocked me in")

The window cries
“Oh, my God, I’m going blind!”

The thermometer exclaims
“I have one mile of a beard!”

---I have a mile-long beard sounds better

The chimney gasps
“I can’t breathe anymore!”

The roof shouts
“My hat is a mountain!”

(I don't see what that means)

etc