Dealing with a friend who complains about a bad relationship but doesn't do anything about it?

Question

My best friend has been dating a girl from hell, to put lightly and is always complaining to me about how bad she treats her, how she puts her down, uses her for her money, still flirts with her ex, etc., etc.., I'm trying to be a good friend and have allowed her to vent to me about hee relationship problems for two years now. But I am fed up by now having my friend play the victim and bombard me with all the problems she has because of her girlfriend. I told her that she should just leave her and that any self respecting person would have left her long ago and not continue to put up with her. She has sacrificed so much for this girl and it's clear to everyone but her that she's just using her for her money and a rent free apartment. My friend is very gullible and anytime I try to tell her that she's better off without that girl because she clearly doesn't love her and is using her she starts to become defensive and brings up the few miniscule good things she has done.

I asked her if she truly believes that this relationship has a real future and although in the past she would tell me she is still hopeful, now she tells me that she realizes that it's an unhealthy relationship but still won't leave this girl. At this point I cannot help but be mad at my friend - why is she asking me for advice when she doesn't take it? Why does she keep complaining on how her life sucks due to this relationship but still doesn't break up? I even told her this but all she says is that she doesn't know but feels too attached to walk away. I don't know what to do with her - she's my best friend and I hate seeing her settle so low and be treated like crap. She's allowing herself to be taken advantage of like a fool, I don't understand why she can't just break up. I'm not sure what I can do as a friend to help her at this point, I feel as though I'm speaking to a wall when I try to explain to her that she's way better off without this girl.

Answer 1

hey shes one of the toxic people phycologists talk about in peoples lives. She likes the melodrama aspect of the relationship cause she likes the attention and she moans and bitches to you. im guessin ur fed up with her cause it feels like she is sukin up all ur life force. She can dump the ***** but doesnt want to so slowly spend less time with this person or completely cut the ***** off.

Answer 2

Now, before you go to the next message, take time to read this whole thing. It is a different message than how it seems to start out.

Just tell her that this is the way her life is meant to be and that she is being treated the way she wants to be treated. Tell her that because she stays in that relationship it must be the kind of relationship she deserves. They are meant to be together. They belong together. One dishes it out and the other takes it just like in any bad marriage. Tell her this is only a small sample of what it's going to be like for the rest of her life but it's only going to get worse with this person.

Then, look her straight in the eye and very slowly, say to her, "You don't have to live like this but only you can do something about it. Do you hate yourself so much that you are going to continue to allow yourself to be treated this way or are you going to better your life? Unless you plan to get your axs out of the crappy arrangement that your in, I don't want to hear any more about it. Either do something about it or shut the fxck up!"

Or, get a piece of paper and put a line down the center. On one side at the top write Advantages and on the other side at the top write Disadvantages.

Now, you sit there and list them as she tells you what they are. Help her to remember the disadvantages but not the advantages. Then show her which list is longer.

If that does nothing, then start siding with the bad girl. Everytime she starts to complain, remind her of something that the bad girl does thats positive but only remind her of one or two of those things and keep reminding her of only those same things each time she begins to complain. But, say it in such a way that gets the point across that those are the ONLY positives about the other person.

If she has a list of nine complaints and you keep rubbing her nose in all two of the good things, she may begin to think that she deserves a little more.

Sometime we just gotta use a little reverse psychology on folks to get them to see how things really are.

Best Wishes

Answer 3

You've done everything a true, supportive friend can do. Isn't this situation kind of like complaining about the government, but not taking time to vote or become involved?

If your friend continues to ***** to you about her significant other, and takes no steps to change the situation, you'll have to distance yourself. It would be wise, also, to let her know why you're doing it. Either that will be the cold shot she needs, or she'll go find someone else whose ear she can bend.

Sandy

Answer 4

I understand where your coming from when you say that I too was in the same situation as you my bestfriend was in a really bad relationship and she used me to vent she was with this guy for 2 years and i would continue to tell her that she needed to leave him but she wouldnt listen.One day we were talkin and she told me that she knew he was wrong for her but she loved him.The thing is your friend is going to do what she wants to do and your beinga good friend by giving her great advice.What i did was showed her how she should be trated by taking her out with my guy friends who treat you right eventually she caught on sucked it up and kicked him to the curb and now she couldnt be happier you might want to try that she'll thank you in the end~good luck!!!

Answer 5

how bad "she" treats "her" in their relationship? Right there there's something not right. Usually when someone complains either they are unhappy or they are bragging, neither of which you can do anything about. If after 2 years you have not voiced your displeasure then you've made yourself the victim (of listening to other peoples problems). You should have spoken up right away. People are free to walk away from things that aren't right or things they don't like or don't approve of.

Answer 6

Tell your friend that it upsets you to hear about the problems her girlfriend has caused her. Tell her that if she won't get out of the relationship, just please don't mention anything about what happens between her and her girlfriend to you. Tell her that if the time comes that she would like to get away from her, you will be there to help her through it, but until then you would rather not be a part of it, because it hurts you too much to hear it.