I have been in a secert relationship for months and need to tell my teenage daughter but don't know how.?

Answer 1

Hi! This is a tough situation. I think a lot of honesty is in order. You say you have been hiding this affair so as not to hurt the people around you? I take it the person you are having the affair with is probably someone that your family has some type of relationship with, either good or bad. A close family friend? Another relative? You need to be honest with yourself mostly. What effect will this affair have on your daughter? Why are you keeping it secret? Once you can be honest about these issues, you can figure out to handle this with your daughter. And how old is your daughter? A younger teen might have a harder time dealing with this, where as an older teen might have the maturity to understand what is going on.

A few issues you are going to face is the fact that your daughter's life has been turned upside down by the divorce or separation from her dad. Then to find out the real reason? The truth could be extremely hurtful for her, but it is probably information that won't keep as a secret very long. It might not be right away, within a month or even a year, but eventually, I bet your daughter will understand and be able to forgive you. The deceit is going to be the most hurtful, that is just a normal human emotion right there, we base our love and relationships on trust, and to have that broken by mom, will definitely take time to heal.

Have you gone for any counseling? To help yourself learn how to deal with all the emotional stuff you have been through in the last year? A counselor might even have some good advice on how to approach your daughter. What to say and how to say it will be very important. As someone mentioned above, there is a way she would like to hear the news. And knowing that you still love her is vital. When you tell your daughter, remember, she is allowed to feel angry at you. Let her go through the emotions so that she can heal. Don't get angry at her for not understanding. Don't yell at her for being selfish, because she probably will think about herself mostly after you tell her. She'll run through how all this affects her and what it means to her. Again, you must allow her this. Be apologetic and after you initially give her your reasons, don't try to give further excuses and explanations. She probably won't really care at the moment you tell her.

(Just so you know, I am basing my advice on the fact that people around you are not going to welcome the person you are having the affair with, with open arms. I think this is a secret affair for a reason.)

And please, don't make up a new lie to try and cover anything. That will just snowball into even more trouble.

Does your "ex" know about this affair? Once you come clean to your daughter will you have to come clean to your ex? And is your ex in on the secret? I ask these questions because this can make your situation more complex. If your ex knows about it your daughter can feel betrayed by both you and her dad. If your ex doesn't know, well, he'll know once you tell your daughter. Will he be angry? And will this cause more turmoil?

Bottom line is, you have to get to the truth of this matter with your family so you can all begin to heal. It can't be easy for your sneaking around and lying. I'm sure this isn't the example you want to set for your daughter either.

The best advice I can give, keeping in mind I don't have all the facts, is to find someone to help you resolve this. A counselor would be best. A neutral party that will not take sides, but will have your daughter's best interest in mind.

This is like a deep wound for your family, but all wounds heal with time. It is better to start healing now, than to let things fester and get worse.

Something else to remember, does this person know who your daughter is? Have they met before, without knowing about the affair of course? This person has to be willing to give your daughter time as well. And hopefully this person is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work between them. He has to understand that this is going to be an extremely difficult time for her.

On the upside, your daughter might take things quite well.

My best wishes go out to you and your family.

Answer 2

You want your daughter to trust you but you hide this relationship for MONTHS???? She MIGHT already know something is going on... you should have been upfront with her MONTHS ago.....if you felt you had to keep this guy secret from her----is there something WRONG with him that you don't want her to KNOW? Sit her down ASAP and tell her about him..... tell her you've met someone and would like her to meet him....go out to dinner in a PUBLIC PLACE and meet him WITH your daughter....hopefully, if he is a good guy, he will know how to interact with your daughter and that should make it easier for her to accept HIM. If her father died, it might be harder for her to take a "replacement guy" in your life but, if it's been MONTHS, you best tell her NOW.. if you are divorced from her father, MAYBE it would be a good idea for you AND him to talk to your daughter together---giving the appearance that your ex is OK with you having another relationship might put your daughter at ease about it...but, no matter what the situation is with your daughter's father, it is NOT good to keep your new relationship a secret--she may reject the idea just BECAUSE you kept it from her for so long.... HOWEVER, if this man is a good guy and accepts your DAUGHTER, then her acceptance should follow--it may take time, but it can be done.

Answer 3

dear ohsecret,

i am a teenager and if my mom had to tell me that she was seeing a man, here is how i would probably like to find out:

mom: i really need to talk to you please.
daughter: ok! what do you want to talk about?
mom: (don't beat around the bush, just get it out there and over with) i have been seeing a guy named __________. he is really sweet, he cares for me alot and i am sure that you would like him if you got to know him, too. i will let you be alone for a while to process this because i know how odd you must feel right now. and don't worry, he will never ever take your special place in my heart sweetie.

so good luck and i hope that you have a wonderful future!


Bubbles

Answer 4

You have no right to burden your daughter with your love affair. (I have a feeling you did more than kiss if you needed the morning after pill)
Act like an adult... stop seeing the man, get a divorce, get on the pill, reunite with the man (if he wants to by then, I have a feeling he will find you less then desirable after your divorce).

Why do you want to haul your daughter into your mess. She doesn't care you are only having sex 4 times a year with your hubby.

Answer 5

If she's a teenager why can't you wait until she's an adult. It's been secret for this long all you are going to do now is devastate her and make her feel second to the new significant other.

Answer 6

no matter what you need to be honest with your daughter... by lying to her she is going to think that lying is ok, and it isn't. she will also probably be upset and perhaps resent you a little bit for not telling her. is it with a man you know she doesn't like? yes, you deserve to have your own life, but your first obligation is to your daughter and her safety and protection. I hope everything works out for you :)

Answer 7

Previous answers were great. You can cover the secrecy by saying that you didn't want to tell her or introduce her until this person became "special" to you. And, now, he/she is "really special" to you and you want the two of them to meet. She goes thru the same thing with you. She doesn't tell you about EVERY boy she is talking to, until they become special.

Answer 8

Teens know far more than we think they know....Is there any possibility that she already knows and she is just waiting on you to confirm...Teens watch adults like hawks especially in mother daighter relationships....

Just be honest with her and take her slow and explain to her that Mom's need love to......