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Question

My husband cheated on me and lied about it for 4 years. He confessed about two years ago. We are working the issue and going to counseling. But...it has taken a toll on my spirituality. I was such a strong Christian before this happened and now I'm angry and bitter. The "other woman" was someone from our church. She doesn't go there anymore, but I can't seem to sit in the pew on Sunday without terrible thoughts going through my head. I haven't had my devotions or daily prayer time in 2 years. I'm not mad at God, but I can't feel close to Him with so much bitterness inside. Please give me some advice.

Answer 1

not spending time with God makes it hard for Him to communicate with you. I had the same issue I lost all trust in my husband, and at first actually felt like it was my fault somehow. But that was a lie, he is the one who betrayed our marriage not me. It was not long before he was at it again [he was not a believer] I left, I didn't need that.[ And to the guys farther up everybody doesn't do it. ] You need to spend time letting God heal you and help you forgive your husband. Even if you don't feel like it just spend time in silence with Him, grieve and cry and let Him comfort you, eventually you will be speaking to Him again and the healing will begin. If you feel the need to, rant and rage at God, go ahead He's big enough to take it and He understands, just think how many of us cheat on Him.

Answer 2

Does your church offer any support groups for women? If not then maybe another good church in your area does. Or you might look for some Christian counseling. It's only natural to feel hurt and betrayed and to have trouble putting such a terrible thing behind you. Going to counseling with your husband is a good idea but sometimes people need to have a setting where the person who hurt them is not present and they can benefit from hearing the stories of other people who have gone through the same thing. Also there is the spiritual aspect to your trauma. The accuser of the brethren who hates God and his children is always active in trying to sow the seeds of division and to keep people from receiving the healing that God would provide.

Answer 3

First off please read Matthew 18:21-35. If you have ever cheated then trust me, let this go. In the way we judge others we will be judged and with the same measure we use (Matthew 7:1-2).
The only way to get over anything is to turn it over to God (Philippians 4:4-9; 1 Peter 5:8-10). If you are not acting in love toward him then you haven't turned it over to the Lord (Romans 12:17-21). And if this is true then that is the reason you cannot stand (Isaiah 7:9 NIV). Love will never fail (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) and this is what Jesus commanded us to do (John 13:34-35, 15:1-17). If you love no matter what then you will be walking according to the Spirit and you will have life and peace point blank period (Romans 8:5-8).
Respectfully,
Alan Ballou
www.thehealingbook.com

Answer 4

Betrayal is a painful thing to go through, I know first hand. But if you truly want to make a go of your marraige then it's time to put your energies back into the marriage and not into what happened, you will need God's help to do this. Satan wants nothing more than to get your thinking all bogged down with your hurt and terrible thoughts. This distances you from God as you can see. Prayer is the most powerful thing we can do to become connected with God and as long as you choose to allow satan to use up all your energy in anger and bitterness you will be blind to what God wants. Ask God to help you to forgive and free you from the hurt that is causing all your anger and bitterness. God is full of love and compassion and knows exactly where you are. He wants to help you, but you must allow him to come back into your life. Your are paying a high price to hold on to the hurt as you can see. I'm not trying to be preachy just trying to speak the truth as well as I know how. God's peace and love to you.

Answer 5

...you were betrayed...and...terrible things happen to good people all the time...christian or not...being christian obviously didn't protect you from this happening to you, did it?

I say this is one of 'the keys'.

...and you don't describe what 'terrible thoughts' go thru you head, nor do you tell us what you are still 'bitter' about...so none of us can address those in any way...that seems convenient...?

No, I'm not saying that you are not justified in having feelings about what has happened, but obviously you think, feel and believe that something is or has NOT been satisfactorily addressed, in that there are still 'unsolved issues' which are causing you this bitterness you are speaking of.

Also you do not describe what it is about the entire situation that has taken it's toll on your spirituality. You might find a partial answer by attempting to describe 'the toll' that this has taken on your spirituality?

Are you saying that you have no control over your own thoughts??? If you don't have control over them, then who does??? Note: I speak about thoughts versus feelings, as it is our thoughts which preceed and initiate our feelings.

...and this has been going on inside and/or with you for TWO YEARS now???

...sounds to me like you are getting something out of it otherwise, you wouldn't be engaged in the activity that you are describing...

...could be that you really don't want to 'move on' (forgive, re-establish your relationship with God, your husband, etc.)???

So the, the only time that these 'terrible thoughts go thru your head' is when you are sitting in a pew???

If you don't have any control over your thoughts, it would seem to me that one thing you could consider doing is to not site in a pew!?

You don't say as to why it is that you haven't had your "devotions or daily prayer time in two years???

Again, this sounds more like a choice than anything else; i.e., something or someone imposing something from outside of you.

Overall it sounds like you have chosen to be bitter, as this keeps you from doing and/or engaging in those activities that would keep you from a closer relationship with God, yourself and your husband.

Just from your words, it appears to me that you are bitter about everyone (including God) getting off easy--your husband gets to cheat, lie and then gets off by just 'confessing' and going to some counselling (which doesn't seem to be working for you and your spirituality, does it?).

You 'silence' God--or you keep him at an arm's distance. I mean, where was he when you needed him? He's off the hook, eh? Afterall, he's God, right? And according to your definition of God, he can't be blamed or guilty of any kind of 'wrong doing', right?

"The other woman" is absent, and seems to have 'escaped' any effects.

Seems like you and just you are left 'holding the bag'.

You say that you are "working th issue"...and what "issue" would that be?

You say that you aren't made at God. However, you do NOT say that you aren't mad, or that there isn't someone who you are mad at?

As this is a real life (physical world) problem involving real people, etc., versus 'virtual', I would suggest that you seek out and resolve these thing by involving real life, real people, as this is and did not start in a 'virtual world' and I do not believe it can be solved by or through a virtual world.

...considering all of the foregoing, I do not think you are ready to accept anything from anyone...

Let us know when you are, and I suspect that we will be able to provide you with some kind of assistance; however, I bet that when you change your mind (and your behavior) that you will no longer be in any need of any advice from anyone.

Regards,

Bryan

Answer 6

I am sorry that this had to happen to you. It is hard I have seen the effects of this in my own ward. The first thing you need to ask yourself is did you believe in the gospel before you married this man and was your testimony independant of him? Do you have children? Do you love God? Well God loves you!! I cannot feel the bitterness of your pain and I wish I could but Christ did and does. He is the one source of Salvation for you and your husband. I don't know whether you should leave him that would be up to you and God. Heavenly Father knows whether he will change or not maybe you should pray and ask his guidance. It is so hard to do when all you can think about is the pain. One thing that has helped me to pray is feeling there is no one there but him to talk to who understands and he will listen to everything that you say and will help to take the pain away. I pray for you and your husband. I pray that you will continue to have the faith that will sustain you in your time of trial and despair. I know he will. He loves you and is ever mindful of you. With love a fellow sister.

Answer 7

Praise the lord my dear sister, first we have to learn to forgive and you can do that with the grace of the Lord. My dear sister ask the lord to give you a clean heart and to give you peace for he will. Don't let go of the lords hands for he will show you all and he is with you in the good times and the bad.Keep going to counseling and let go and let God all the way ok. I will keep praying for you for you belong to the Lord and you need to do what the lord wants you to do and that is hold your head up and sit in the pews and ask the lord to take away your angry and bitter for that is nothing more than the devil trying to destore what the lord has given.
God Bless,
Rev. Hugine

Answer 8

Two things that you could and should do. One find a new church and get a fresh and brand new start. And two divorce your husband as you have the right to divorce him due to the fact that he commited adultery. That way you can get a brand new perspective on life. And maybe in the process after some time of course you might even meet a man who would treat you with the respect and loyalty that you seek.

Answer 9

Anger is not from without. Anger develops from within. You cannot have joy until you have released your anger. If you love your husband--forgive him--do you find yourself thinking about how he misused you? Forgive him--Then forgive yourself. It's not your fault you cannot be blamed for his mistakes.James said "Neither floweth from the same stream bitter water and sweet water." What flow from within anger? Have you expressed your inner feeling to you husband? Walking away from God is not the answer. Have you thought about moving to another church? Maybe the two of you could start over at a different church.

Answer 10

Drop the bitterness, it will destroy you. What you need to do is create a fresh walk with your Lord. Go to a different church. One that teaches the Bible verse by verse and does not tolerate members committing adultery and continuing in the fellowship for years. This is expressly forbidden in scripture.

Get together with God, one on One, and rekindle a new and fresh relationship. Dive into the Word and get immersed in His goodness. Let the Word wash over you and cleanse you of this horrible event in your life.