Hooters...We have a problem...My wife is in therapy due to physical & sexual abuse from a former relationship?

Question

They said to remember to be patient with Mrs. Wiggy. That is probably going to be harder than it sounds. It's almost impossible now, and she is doing all she can to make it harder. She hasn't touched me intimately since Feb. 14, 2007. She said that the memories of the abuse by her former is the reasoning. Well I understand that. Here is the part that baffles me. Her sister is a Hooter's girl. Her sister is 22, single, and has no kids. My wife is 26, married, and has two kids. One of them is an 8 year old girl. She claims that when I flirt with her, she takes it as sexual harassment. I thought you were supposed to flirt with your spouse (dumb me). Guess what. It seems that now my wife is about to become a Hooter's girl too! Ain't that a hoot (pun)? She mentioned nothing of this to me. She just put in an application, and they hired her. My point is this. She has enough problems right now with therapy, and trying to get over the past. Why she feels it necessary to do this now,

I have noooo idea. I also am bewildered at the fact that she would take a job that exploits her sexuallity, and encourages her to flirt with strange men. The more she flirts the more tips she gets. Yet I'm not allowed to flirt with her at all. I do not feel that this is a message she needs to be sending an 8 year old girl either. Use your body to make money, and NOT your mind! Should I just totally put her out with tomorrow's trash or what?

I just wanted to add a few details here that I did not completely explain before. The kids we have are her kids. She had them when we met, and they were fathered by her abuser. He is completely out of the picture, and I am raising the kids as my own. They are probably the glue that is holding this marriage together at this point. The only glue. That is another reason I feel so hopeless here. I know she is not abusing or neglecting the kids, so legally there is nothing I can do about it. I just think she is setting horrible examples for them. They are beautiful, and smart, and have the capabilities to become wonderful people one day. I just hope that they do. Also we have been together a little over three years, and married for two.

Oh! And another thing. I have offered couples counciling with her, but she says that is not what we need. I need someone else to tell her that I'm not being unreasonable.

Answer 1

It seems as if your wife has problems that have nothing to do with you. I don't like to make statements without knowing the whole situation, however, it seems as if it is very hurtful to you to have an unaffectionate wife who is willing to cheaply flaunt herself at others. Maybe she needs more help than she is getting. You don't seem to get what you need. What you need is just as important as what she needs. You did nothing wrong with flirting with your wife. She, on the other hand is letting others flirting with her to make money. Think about this, does this seem like a fixable problem? If she blows you off when you speak with her she might be holding things very deep inside of her. It might be that you are important in her life and these guys at hooters are not important. It doesn't make sense I know. I think maybe you should talk to someone professional about the effects this has had on you and your children. Don't underestimate yourself. You are in this relationship too. Hope this helped a little. Andee_sky

Answer 2

Wow, she sounds like one very confused woman. I think you should go to couples counselling as well as her going to her therapist (maybe her therapist can recommend someone). The counsellor can maybe help you understand why she's doing this. The C. can also help you guys learn better ways to communicate -- which sounds like a real problem right now.

"Be patient" is wonderful advice -- but what exactly does that mean? I think you are allowed to set some boundaries as well. Marriage counselling can help.

Some people just can't be in intimate relationships until they get their heads straight, though. You may have to break up with her, but at least by going through counselling, you will have given it your best shot.

P.S. I've been thinking about this and the answer that says the woman wants power, and I wonder if mild B&D might help -- you being the submissive, of course. I think you would have to set ground rules -- like you can opt out ANYTIME you think the game is becoming too humilating or dangerous. Role-playing, like she's the sex instructress and you are the humble virgin student, or other games where she's absolutely in control.

The thing about Hooters is that she can be sexy, but if anyone gets out-of-bounds, there are bouncers to put an end to it. However, I think it's ultimately going to be humiliating. She needs to know you value her for her sexiness AND her other good qualities. Those guys at Hooters aren't going to show her that kind of respect.

P.P.S. Make sure you are using condoms with this woman. The LAST thing you need is a baby while the relationship is so up in the air. It'd be terrible if she got "confused" and "forgot" to take her birth control pills. AFAIK, condoms are the only temporary form of birth control for males.

Answer 3

Speaking as someone who was in a sexually abusive relationship.....She probably doesn't feel safe with you. Your whole demeanor is very off putting about this. I have no idea why she would become a Hooters girl. My trauma left me loathing men looking at me. However, I know that it is hard not to be having sex, but imagine having flashback every time someone touches you. It's horrible and it sucks. Have you tried being patient and comforting when you are together in bed? It takes a long time. I have been out for 4 years and I am married to a fantastic man and I have a real hard time still. Your attitude could make or break you right now buddy. And right now it stinks.

Answer 4

Let's not be rash, my husband is pissed at the whole world me included and my sex life has been non-existent longer than you, trust me. Her behavior is common. Oftentimes prostitutes are abused children. What happens is it's kind of put back in the mind. Denial. Help her continue therapy. If that doesn't work and she continues behaviors you know are wrong for your family you may have to make other choices. And be ready for the consequences. Your kids won't understand why you have them and mom doesn't. She will be in your life long after the divorce. At Hooter's she has the power. She actually needs that. I was molested more than once. I had a child as a result of a rape. I am also a psychiatric social worker.

Answer 5

Let her take the job. The extra money can help you both have a good time. It won't make you the "predator", and maybe she needs some real practical help instead of all the reliving, the complaining, and the counseling. (unless you want her to go back to her ex, and practice until it is "nice")
I would definitely complain if I were the spouse and the last time she touched you was over two months ago. Give her the space she needs, and don't neglect yourself. Hope her job works, and don't drag the daughter into it.
If you can't handle all she's going through, maybe you should take the walk. She's got a family connection going, and although it isn't you right now, it could be you in the near future.
Stop being specifically complaining, women whom have been abused "hate" specifics complaints or otherwise, at least for the time she's going through this. Be generally nice.

Answer 6

It seems really odd...that she won't let you be intimate with her but she'll go out and put her body on display for strangers, who are more than likely to sexually harass her.

Maybe she wants to feel accepted by someone other than you, her husband, who sort of has to be intimate with her. Maybe she's striving to go back in time, go back to the period in her life where she's like her sister.

What does her therapist say about this? Is your wife close to her therapist? Is she someone that she feels comfortable with? If not then she should switch, so that this whole situation can be viewed at from an objective standpoint.

Have you considered couples therapy? So you two can work on your intimacy issues, and maybe clear some of this stuff up?

Sit down first, and talk to your wife. Put your thoughts on this out, try to get her to open up to you. That's what couples do. Mention that to her.

I'd also bring up the point to her that she's not being a very good role model for your eight year old daughter. She's at a very impressionable period. And having a role model who exploits herself and lets men take advantage of her is not advantageous to her development.

Answer 7

I'm finding it hard to believe that she can accept sexual adva-nces from complete strangers & not from u. If she do this then so can u. See how she feels when u're flirting with others. I don't think there's anything wrong with working there IF the partner is ok with it, & obviously u're not ok with it. Too much emotional baggage to deal with. Tell her to leave while u still can, I think she's using u for u're money or a shoulder to cry on. For any relationship to work, some sacrifices have to be made.

Answer 8

id say shes trying to be in control of her body and sexuality, by going in to a place like hooters she is putting her self in a position of power, so maybe she will get used to being looked at and flirted with, as per the 8 year old i have no idea.

Answer 9

Mr wiggy. I don't think you are getting the whole truth.

Abuse victims will continually reestablish relationships with people that will abuse them or remind them of their abusers.

And when they go into therapy they will often undergo extreme changes in character. This is part of the healing process. Don't be surprised if she becomes a completely different person....

Get some counseling yourself it might help.

Answer 10

You are so vulnerable to failure as i see it. I don't know how to save you . Just be cool and work on a true friend out and away from home.