how to tell his mother he needs to step up?

Question

My ex and I already have 1 child together. Now I am pregnant with his second child. He asked me to marry him the 1st time and I said no. (this is when I was skinny) Now my mother mentioned that we should get married and he says - he can't , he won't. (now that I am 100 lbs heavier) Anyway he used to be okay, he was in classes to be in law enforcement well then he got a dwi and that's out the window. So now he is a bum, 22 living at home with parents and no job, sleeps all day, goes to bars at night. He does have the potential to be good though. Anyway his parents are paying his child support. I'm really ticked off at him though - he has no responsibility!!! I am at the point where I feel I should have a talk with one of his parents about making him step up to the plate. Would that be appropriate? Also, what should I say / What big points to mention? Should we get married? We are already making a family. He is so immature. I wish he would just grow up and get responsible already.

I am in college. I gained a lot of weight from getting off of drugs and then becoming pregnant and probably all the stress too. Anyway I am hoping to get it all off after this child is born.

I do not want to be with him. And he is now starting college - let's see how long that lasts. But I just want my kids to have their daddy, you know? I love my son to death and I have made many changes in my life so I could be a good mom and so he can have a good life...

Answer 1

Be thankful you said no the first time. You can't force people to be responsible or "step up" and do what is right. It sounds as if he can't take care of himself at this point and marriage isn't going to magically make him want to change this. Right now, he has it made since he lives at home, does what he wants, and his parents pay his child support for him. Mom and Dad are enabling him to be a "bum" though they may not realize this. Let's say his parents and you put pressure on him to "step up" and he finally gives in and maybe he does good for a while - it won't last, because he will eventually resent his parents as well as you. You mention making a family - not to be cruel - but your making babies, not a family. It takes to loving people to make a family. Enable yourself to be your children's future without depending on him. Think about the kind of person he is, be honest with yourself, look at both the good points and bad points and then ask yourself is this the kind of life you want for your children. Once we have children our wants and desires are put on the back burner and our children's needs and safety come first. Basically, I've always looked at it as life isn't about me anymore it's about my children. Just because he is capable of helping make a baby doesn't mean he is capable of being a "Daddy". Good Luck!

Answer 2

As long as the child support is being paid you should consider yourself lucky. You don't want to be around that slob and it seems like it is best that he isn't around your child right now. I don't think you should get married, he doesn't want to and he is not a good provider for you and your child. Maybe his parents need to talk to him about becoming financially independent from them and paying his own child support but you cannot tell them to tell him that. You shouldn't even tell him that yourself. He is on a path that only he can remove himself from, anything you say to him will be perceived as nagging or insulting. He will resent you and think you are trying to insult him and force him into marriage.
You may think that you want him to marry you. You will have two children by him and obviously you have spent a fair amount of time with him. It is hard to let go after that much time has past but you need to do it before even more time passes. If you think about it everybody has potential, I have the potential to be a millionaire, a professional wrestler or an astronaut but it is highly doubtful I ever will be any of those things. Potentially anybody can be anything. What I have learned is that potential doesn't mean s**t especially when it comes to sharing a life with someone. You both have to walk the walk.

Answer 3

Your an idiot. Cut off contact from this loser babies or not. Do not marry this idiot you should have better sense than that. TALK TO HIS PARENTS!? He is a grown man give me a break. AND YOU NEED TO TAKE THE PILL! Good god you would think you learned from the first time but oh just when people thought you couldnt be any dumber you sure proved them wrong! Sounds like both of you are a couple of damn kids and both need to grow up. Hey it took two to make the damn babies now you have to deal with being a single mother. Are you living alone? Do you take care of your damn kid by yourself or do you live with your parents too. Grow the hell up ditch the moron and maybe you stand a chance at having a decent life. OR continue being an idiot and stay with the loser who you think has potential. Maybe when you have like 5 more kids by him you can get married after he brings you home some STD from the night life.

Answer 4

It's extremely unlikely he will mature. At the age of 22, most people have pretty much established their personality.

There are guys in their 50s that are still immature and rely on their parents for money.

I would bet that his parents HAVE tried to talk to him but it was useless.

I would move on if I were you. It's highly doubtful that he will ever change. Being irresponsible is part of his nature.

I wouldn't waste another minute on him, waiting for him to change. It's not going to happen.

You need to find a guy that will be a great husband and father figure for your children.
Do it now, while you're still young. The older you get, the harder it will become to find good husband material.

Good luck! I feel for you.

Answer 5

You need to worry about yourself and your children. This guy sounds like a loser to me. Do you have a good job or education? If not, get one. Enforce getting the child support but move on and find someone worth your time. I am sure his parents see what a loser their son is since he is living with them. Maybe they don't care. That is why you need to show yourself and your children that you are self sufficient and move on. You can not ever change anyone.

Answer 6

I don't think it's his mother's responsibility to change him. And unfortunately, no one can change him but himself.

It seems he's made his decision. He doesn't want to be a part of your family or contribute to his responsibilities.

He's already decided to move on and away, though not exactly in the most desirable ways. It's difficult because you have children involved, but it sounds like it's your turn to accept what is, and part your ways.

Stressing yourself out will reflect onto your children. And I am sure that is the last thing you would want to do!

Answer 7

if he is such a bum, why did you get pregnant with his 2nd child? shouldnt you have been more careful. seems to me that you honestly dont want to marry him, but are thinking about it only becuase it seems like the right thing to do since you already have 2 kids together. does he have a job or anything? his parents are paying his child support? thats pathetic! this guy sounds like a straight up loser. dont marry him, he has some major growing up to do. i guess you can talk to his parents about it, but i dont se how that will do anything, since they are paying his child support, it shows they have no problem with what their son is doing with his life. they need to tell him to grow up, get a job, and kick his *** out!

Answer 8

You need to stop worrying about what he's doing and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children. It is obviously far too late for his parents to have any profound influence on him, and no one will ever change unless they want it for themselves.

A 100 pound weight gain (especially if you are as young as he is) can not be blamed on your pregnancies, so it is obvious that you have your own issues that need to be addressed. You need to put your own health and well-being first so that you can be the best possible parent and role-model for these kids.

Answer 9

And you think telling his mom, who's supporting his lazy ***, is going to help you? He's probably got her convinced you're the problem that cause his plans to come apart.

People don't get their acts together because their mommies tell them to, they do it because they realize it's what they want. If he can't do this, just make sure you get child support from him and move on.

Answer 10

Being 17 myself and having a Step-mom in my existence, i imagine that you would possibly want to need to initiate your courting with her from yet another attitude, per chance as (even although i be conscious of your Married) basically do issues that a pal of her Dad might want to. might want to a pal of her Dad ask her questions about her HW? No. initiate it off like that. you've basically been in her existence for 7 Weeks, and as little ones authority is the enemy for us. She might want to were very on the point of her Dad in the previous, and feels threatned through your presence. even even though it might want to be in her perfect activity to do her artwork so she will be able of bypass, you should enable her initiate to study from her mistakes so as that your suggestion will grow to be each and each and every of the more advantageous helpful interior the destiny.