Mt eldest is 10yrs old and my husband is really horrible to her. I dont know what to do. He swears at her, always yells at her and puts her down, by calling her names and saying she is useless. Its effecting her so much so that she cries all the time and wont eat tea most of the time. She really hates her dad, and is a better person when his not around. I dont want to leave him, cause that would make things worse. But I want him to stop what he does. I've tried talking to him and he then does the woe is me thing and no one ever listens to him.etc,etc. I dont want my daughter to suffer from deep depression or anything like that. She always asks me why, he is like it and I cant answer her. I really need some advise to stop this going on. Also to make him listen and see what he is doing to her. How can I answer my daughters questions as well?
2007-04-28 21:25:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
First things, Im not making excuses for him, and I have asked him why he does it. Yes I have thought of leaving and in fact almost did he promised he would stop. I do stand up for my daughter and it eats me up inside so bad, that I get sick with IBS. My husband wont go to counselling, cause that would be to hard. My daughter is strong, and stands up for herself as well. But it does get on top of her. He is a good person, but he doesnt realise the consequences that can happen if he keeps up with this Mental abuse. I do praise my daughter at everything she does, and I do say to her to jsut ignore him, as he what he days he doesnt mean in anyway and that she is clever and a really good person. What he doesnt say in a nice fatherly manner I make up for. Its hard to leave because I love him and so do the kids. I have nowhere to go either or the money.
2007-04-29 19:35:01 · update #1
You need to get both of them to family counseling. You should probably go to. If he doesn't stop then you should leave him. No child deserves to be treated like that, especially by her father. Good luck sweetie!!
2007-04-28 21:36:43 · answer #1 · answered by Libby L 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Please take all this advice to heart. You are your daughter's mother and you job is to guide her and protect her at all costs. How is she doing in school? Does she have any friends? Does she have any hobbies?
Your daughter will remember every cruel word and ugly remark. she hears him and will believe she is unworthy.
Is your husband a control freak? Did your daughter say anything mean or doubting to him? You could ask questions and seek answers for another million years but it won't be as helpful than ........................................................................
DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT! GET COUNSELING! GO WITH OR WITHOUT HIM! DO YOUR JOB AS A PARENT NOW!!!
Ask your pediatirician, school's counselor, child's teacher, or church leaders for guidance. Check your employment benefits and medical insurance plan. Many counseling sessions are "free" or for a small out of pocket fee. Most sessions offer a "free" first session. Ask the counselor for a discount or a payment plan if money is tight.
Remember, you need to show your daughter that you are there for her or she'll seek for a sense of belonging elsewhere or with other substances(destructive behaviors).
PLEASE DON'T LET YOUR DAUGHTER DOWN!
If your husband treats her like that, just think how the other children will be treated? Verbal abuse leads to physical violence. What are you waiting for? Enpower yourself.
What happens if he starts yelling and cursing at your daughter again and someone calls the police or child protective services? You might lose all your kids!
Don't change your husband. You can't change people. You can only change how you perceive them.
Just think about it. Pretend you are walking along the street and a man yells obscenites at you and make crazy accusations and is pointing to you. Yeah, you might be scared, but you know he's crazy. So what do you do? You leave and stay away from the madman. Do you try to calm him down? Do you try to ask him questions or reason with him?
Wake up and stop the denial and excuses! I only see more trouble and heartbreak from here.
2007-04-28 23:55:26 · answer #2 · answered by we-well 3 · 5⤊ 0⤋
You do realise this is abuse dont you? Your daughter needs protection and you are not providing this protection. Talking obviously is not going to fix the problem, you need to be more proactive. Seek out professional help to work out what options you have in a formal counselling setting. This way perhaps your husband may get his serious problems addressed and give a safe environment for your daughter to discover she can release her emotions to someone who is listening. Assuming your daughter is from a previous marriage or partnership, you must realise that she comes first. Do not put your husband above the needs and ignore the abuse of a 10 year old child. Your her mother and need to address the issue quickly so find out your options now.
2007-04-29 00:47:19 · answer #3 · answered by kelstar 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Marriage counselling. A therapist will listen to him.
This is abuse, and it will mess up the kid's head for a long, long time. If he isn't willing to change, then you need to get out. She may have to take on more responsibility -- but hard work is EMPOWERING! Doing nothing and listening to that kind of crap is not.
Maybe you could ask your husband why he does that, and relay the message on to your daughter if appropriate. Does he really think it's going to help her? Maybe he was treated that way as a kid.
My dad gets irrational dislikes to people, and unfortunately I was one of the people he didn't like. And it didn't stop at verbal abuse. I'm finally getting my head back together 20 years after leaving that house. Thank god my mom loves me.
2007-04-28 21:38:31 · answer #4 · answered by Madame M 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
his doing it for a reason!!!!not sure why but there is something going on....does she remind him of someone that he dislikes?or is she just a good candidate some people like to put other people down because it makes them feel better ..but seriosly i think somethings wrong its not normal maybe even something from his childhood but anyway its causing a large problem he needs help....and a suggestion is you said when u say something he just sais woe is me u sound timid i think u should give it back to him stand up for your daughter be firm tell him it has to stop u are not going to stand there and listen to him talk and treat our daughter this way and if it continues u will seek legal advice yep scare the pants of him and he needs to seek some professional help because you are not going to accept his behaviour ....and see what happens what have u got to lose?because u have to ask yourself are u and your daughter happy? can u live like that for years to come with his additude? well if the answer is no do something about it.....your the only person who can....be strong be firm and to the point....
2007-04-28 23:15:59 · answer #5 · answered by yvette w 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs to figure out what is triggering him to be such a jerk to her. So, I would say you might consider counseling for him first, then marriage counseling, then family counseling.
If that's too much, you might consider signing up for a parenting class. Maybe he just doesn't know how to parent. You too can go together so you're on the same page. Parenting with Love and Logic offers books and tapes and classes all around the United States.
How do you talk to your daughter? Let her know that this is his stuff not hers. She will likely still feel this is her fault, so it would be better for your hubby to get his act together and then apologize to her.
2007-04-29 05:57:42 · answer #6 · answered by Shrieking Panda 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If your husband doent stop cutting down your Daughter, she will start beleiving him, then she will grow up with very low self esteam. this is verbal and mental abuse. I grew up in this kind of enviernment, now I often feel that I cant do things. I feel ill never be very succsessful. Even as an adult I often sometimes feel very hurt and useless. Did your husband grow up like this???? you should ask him about his childhood. any way you look at it, I will be far worse for her to grow up thinking shes nothing then without her father in her life. If it was me i would leave, Im sorry to say.
2007-04-28 23:46:42 · answer #7 · answered by eightieschick70 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your husband would not even listen to you and has the "I'm right" attitude, so I don't think he will be willing to go to a therapist. It might be helpful to you and your daugther, though. Why would things get worse if you leave him? Do you depend on him financially? Your daugther is old enough to understand now that all people are different and unfortunately you two can't do much to change her father. The only one who can change him is himself (or God, so you can pray if you are believers) and he doesn't want to change. So if you stay with him, both of you will have to accept things as you are but you will have to do the job of building your daugther's self-esteem. You have to teach her to not depend or get influenced by what her father says but just ignore it and believe in herself. I know it's hard but you can do it. As long as you love her and support her and believe in her, she has a chance to grow up as a self-sufficient and confident person.
2007-04-28 21:58:39 · answer #8 · answered by petyado 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You will have to lay the law down so to speak & say if he does no go to counselling with the 3 of you you will leave him
& make sure you stick to what you say because that is shocking whats happening to your dear little daughter & she should not have to be treated that way for another minute
2007-04-28 21:53:25 · answer #9 · answered by ausblue 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need help. This is emotional abuse. It is unacceptable. The most important thing is that you get help for your daughter.
Get in touch with your local child welfare or domestic violence resource center, they will be able to connect you with therapists (for the family, for you, for your daughter, for him-- if one isn't possible at LEAST find a way to make SOMETHING happen) and other resources. They will be able to be objective and clarify what it is happening and what you need to do about it. You need to be strong right now, you have an obligation to advocate for your daughter, she cannot do that herself, and if you don't no one will. You have to do whatever it takes to protect her.
Tell your daughter you love her and that you are going to take action to find a way to make things better for her. Tell her that what he does and says to her is not okay and that it is not her fault. Tell her that it is not her job to try to change him and that you are seeking resources to help your family. And then DO IT.
2007-04-28 21:54:13 · answer #10 · answered by ctya 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋