How can I deal with my in laws living in MY house?

Question

they moved in and it was jsut suppose to be temporaray, it'll be a year now in june! they havent saved any money(it is now clear to us they spend all their money at the casino) and only pay $200 a month for rent and watch the kids for free, but only part time. The MIL works full time and FIL gets disability and is home all day. They have quit buying groceries and I say "we gave them a year and now they can start paying part of the mortgage and utilites and we will pay them for daycare and take it off the rent. My husband agrees but wont talk to them about it. he feels bad. I want to know where all their money is and my husband says it's none of our buisness. I say my house my rules, when they start contributing their fair share what money they have left over is not our concern. shouLd I just start dealing with them or still leave it to my husband and how much longer can we let them stay.
Ps. they have an unlawful detainer on their renters record and filed banruptcy. HELP

Answer 1

There are many really good answers here for you with this situation. Your problem comes back to 'blood is thicker than water'. Your husband is caught between you and his parents.
These people do not have to be reponsible as all their needs are being met. And people do not get into trouble without doing the wrong thing in the first place .
These 'parents' have become the 'children' in this situation handing all of their life reponsibilities over to their son and you. They are also smart enough to know their son 'would not' just throw them out 'on the street'. However, you being the daughter-in-law is capable of this and there you are the 'wedge' between them and their son. No win situation for you, as you have recognised.
It is imperative your husband recognises he is their child and he is only responsible for being that. His responsibilities are to his wife and children as they are the one's who rely on him.
The two of you need to sit down with his parents and talk quietly and calmly about the present situation as not being suitable 'for them'.
If you show them that they have no independence living with you as they must follow your rules. No smoking or drinking alcohol in the house, they have to either pay there way or move out. Simple as that.
Is there a housing code in your area with regards to how many people can lawfully occupy a house? This may give you a 'legal' out.
End of day they are on a perpetual holiday with you guys and that is not right morally to their son.
They are counting on him to not 'move' them on and out and if he does they will make a big song and dance about it. Tough!
They are socially dependent, lifestyle addictive people and they will soon make amends with their son for any arguing when they want something. These parents need 'tough' love as they are never going to be responsible whilst they do not have to. These are the epitomy of selfish parents putting there own wants above those of their son and family. You can see it, your husband see's it. Yet this situation continues, Eeeeeek.
Talk to your husband about rganising to have the children looked after so you can both talk with his Mum and Dad about moving out. Let him and them know you are willing to help them find somewhere to live. Go to the local Govt Housing Agency or whatever it is in your area first, local real estate etc., so that you have all the information there for them. Take them down to put their name on the list, look at places etc. Have a timeline of when this has to come into effect.
I do not recommend you offer an ultimatum of 'them or me and the kids' as you could find you and the kids out of the house and them still there.
People like this actually know when they have outworn their welcome and go through a whole drama scene to stretch it out. Don't fall for it they are like cat's as they always land on their feet in someone else's place.

When they move out change all the locks and pull in the Welcome mat otherwise they will just come back again.
Good luck with this as it is a hard place for you to be in.

Answer 2

Yikes! I'm sorry. I lived with my inlaws for a bit and this is a quick path to ruining the relationship not only between you and your inlaws but also possibly you and your husband. They probably spend time at the casinos trying to distract themselves from their problem (and what better way to make themselves feel better than the thought of a big win to get them back on their feet?). There must be a lot of shame in this for them; older adults that were self-sufficient and are now reduced to depending on their children! Some of the other advice is just terrible. Being passive-aggressive and trying to make them uncomfortable just won't work. They're probably uncomfortable enough already, and you don't want to ruin the relationship you have with them, because as long as you're a part of your husband and childrens' lives, you'll be a part of theirs. Call a family meeting, and tell them that you know how hard this is for them, and how they can help. If all your husband does is sit there and nod, fine. As long as you're in agreement and have a gentle approach, this is your best bet. I really hope things get better for you!

Answer 3

Looks like it's time to play hard ball.

If your in-laws haven't made a move to get out during the past year, they may never.

The person who needs to get this rolling is your husband, with your help. Let your husband know that within 120 days that one of two things is going to happen.

1) By the end of 120 days your in-laws will have had the time to save money and move out.

-OR-

2) You will have your things packed and the kid's, with yourself will be moved out.

This will continue because the only person this causes a problem for is you. It's time to hand the problem off to the appropriate people.

Let your husband see your serious by opening your own checking account and looking in the want ad's for apartments.

Also tough beans that your in-laws have an unlawful detainer on their record and a bankruptcy, it's their problem not yours. All both of you are doing is enabling their behaviour, give them the boot.

Answer 4

This is a tough situation. I have a few ideas...

First talk to your husband and explain that whether or not he feels bad, if you don't do something, NOW, then they will not be the only ones having financial difficulties. They are drowning swimmers pulling you down, especially since you are supporting (indirectly) their gambling addictions.

1) Find somewhere to rent that will not check their credit... real estate is bad in most of the US, so there could be a landlord that needs them. Pay their first and security for them to get them out of the house (otherwise you could support them another year or longer). You might even find a house in foreclosure and take it over "subject to" the existing mortgage. No credit needed.

2) Make them sign over their checks and put them on an allowance. Explain that you are going to help them budget, as you have to do. Your bills are high. You can put any extra into a separate account to help them save (whether you tell them or not that you are saving enough to get them the hell out).

3) Any other relatives you can send them to for a while?

4) Since they gamble, I imagine they smoke/drink too. Make sure you do not buy ANY alcohol or cigarettes. Make sure the only food you buy is stuff that YOUR family eats and they DON'T LIKE to eat. Might be tricky to do.

5) If you can control the heat/air (maybe you and the kids like it cold in the house, set the A/C to 68-70 degrees) and freeze the elderly into Bumsicles (2 flavors - Ripple and Thunderbird).

Helping them out last year was nice. You cannot let it continue.

Answer 5

You gave your husband a chance. Now you can start saying something. I think that is a fair deal - pay them for child care and have them pay 1/2 the living expenses, especially since it seems as if they can afford it.

You and your husband may consider signing for them to get an apartment. I know you would be responsible if you sign, but you can have a clause in the agreement in which the landlord would contact you immediately if the rent was not on time. This would involve very little risk for you and your husband if you did it that way and it would get them out of your house.

Take it out of your husband's hands as he obviously has a hard time talking about things like that to his parents.

Good luck to you.

Answer 6

they are leaching off of you! sponging off you- I hate it when paents take from the kids, it should be they are the ones you can rely on, and it has a foundation of deceit, that it would be for one year. Today have a meeting- tell them they will be out by June, of course they gamble it -but the main thing is they only give you 200 a month!! $200. is nothing, I just gave the vet $186. for my dog's appt. yesterday.
Din't you think people who filed for bankrupcy are a bad risk to have live with you?
and he is home all day? Tell him to get the newspaper if he's not 'too busy' and fine some motel or a trailor to move into, or you find it- many motels have weekly or monthly rates, you know your husband will never tell them. This is your life. They are playing at life, they had their time, now it's your turn for a fair chance at happiness..

Answer 7

Ouch, tough one. OK, so the most important thing to real deal with, the hear of the issue if you will, is that you want to preserve the relationship you have with your husband and kids. So in deciding what to do, you need to consider the possible outcomes for these relationships.
Although I don't know your husband (or you) I would make a list of the things I wanted to talk about before hand, and then set aside some time to sit down and talk with him about it. It would probably be helpful to tell him ahead of time that you want to have this conversation and ask him to think of and/or write down anything that he would like to talk about as well.

The main points you'll want to stick with are the way you're feeling right now, and why you think that talking to the in laws would be the most positive thing to do. You want to stay away from talking about how angry you are, or how much you hate having them, instead, stick with those feelings, but talk about them as what they really are: Strains on your family.

Remember, in this situation all parties may get emotional and say irrational things, so try and respond to the way they are feeling (i.e. saying that you understand why they would feel that way) instead of responding to what they are actually saying (how can you say that we owe you this?!)

I know it's extremely hard to deal with things like this, just try to think big picture, and that remember, if you can't have a situation in which you maintain your sanity, there is no big picture, good luck.

Answer 8

Since your husband is not dealing with it it all depends on whether you can toleate the situation as it is and how long can you tolerate for the "handling it" is going to have to come from you. The way you describe the situations sems they have moved in until ...? But since what they are doing is acceptable -not being told any different why should they stop doing as they are for that will only occur when you express your expectations and then stick to it.If you give them a reasonable time to find own place then when the time is up stick to them moving out for be aware that if you give in then you might as well expect them to live with them until their demise. Feel for you.

Answer 9

Put it to them straight. Remind them that the two of you are their last resort. If you still want them there, then map out everything that you want from them, right down to who buys the toilet paper and how much every one must put in to purchase it. Put it in writing, have them sign and then have it notarized. I don't know where you live, but $200 a month for two adults is taking advantage. I'll bet, the kids really watch themselves, while the folks sleep up in prep for the casino. I would not pay them to watch the kids. Your just giving them extra money that they can put in a slot machine. They should consider "Gamblers Anonymous" if they won't go, tell them, the homeless shelter is accepting clients every day.

Answer 10

My chum, i will say this to you, in the adventure that your FIL is disowning his very own grandchildren, he honestly has a disaster. in spite of the undeniable fact that, the better disaster you have have been given isn't him, in spite of the undeniable fact that your husband. He has a clean important different and young toddlers to preserve now. Granted it must be outstanding if he ought to have a nicely relationship at the same time along with his dad rather much as good, in spite of the certainty that, if his father isn't accepting your accompanied young toddlers, as extremely his grandchildren, your husband has a accountability to his new important different and young toddlers first. My in-law did no longer settle for our 2 accompanied young toddlers interior the commencing up the two, and oftentimes i assume they in spite of the certainty that do to no longer a particular quantity besides the certainty that they are 17 and 20 now. yet whilst it was VERY seen that they did no longer basically like the thought their son accompanied on the different hand of passing on their "become attentive to" my husband desperate that our important different and young toddlers was the essential. Your hubby demands to make that selection- young toddlers do come first.