Does an abusive childhood automatically mean you'll be an abusive parent?

Question

Seriously dating an awesome guy from a very abusive background, like things you read on the news abusive. He's forgiven his parents and has a relationship with them, but as we get more serious, I wonder if he's more likely to be abusive as a parent, since he knows no other way. He's pretty laid back and easygoing and a great person. Is there an increased likelihood children from abusive backgrounds repeat that cycle, or is it usually overcome?

Answer 1

I abused my parents so they were forced to beat the crap outa me, kind of regular. Hit me some more. Your right about only knowing abusive patterns as a child rearing technique, and as a domestic partner technique. If your friend can talk himself into some classes on problem solving he can learn different ways.Buddha has a million faces. I made a promise to myself to never lay my hand on my child for the purpose of discipline. Succeeded in that, but I had to develop techniques to maintain parental control of a rambunctious child, and not use the excessive force that was used on me. Recognition of the tendency to use force to solve problems is paramount. What caught me by surprise was how quickly I could use force, on a brutal, in your face level, on any subject I was especially prone to taking someone apart in defense of my family and friends. It took over ten years of effort to get a little corner of myself to believe in peace and be passive. Once accomplished it was as if a fog had lifted. 30 tons of bad news bear was lifted off my back. So good luck. He'll have to work on it. It's at it's worse when you know you are right.

Answer 2

Your life does not fail, and no one should ever make you feel that way. I have a friend that was in the exact situation as you, only that she got physically abused as well. You can't let this go on.. My friend thought that nothing big would happen but she was wrong i don't want to go into details though. Maybe you can call a social worker? They wont take you away from your home they'll just come to your house and talk with your parents. Or you could get out of the house as much as possible if your aloud. Invite some of your friends over if you can, because im sure your parents wouldn't say these things in front of other people. If the verbal abuse turns into something more you should really tell someone no matter how hard it may be. If you ever want to talk to somebody about how your feeling you can always call kids help phone, but i think that's only for Canada. If you ever want to talk just spill your feelings, we'll always be here. :)

Answer 3

It usually seems to go one of two ways. They are either just like their parents, or they become complete pushovers trying to avoid becoming like their parents. Although plenty of abused people grow up and have normal parenting relationship as well. Having abusive parents doesn't automatically mean he will be. I would think you would see the signs in him with you. Most abusive people tend to abuse everyone in their lives at some point. If he has always been good with you, there's no reason to think he would hurt the children. If it really concerns you, talk to him about it. He very well may have some of the same fears, and if he doesn't then he can reassure you with yours.

Answer 4

The chances of him repeating history are very high. If he hates his mom or has her on a pedestal... look out. The only hope to be sure it doesn't happen is through counseling. Most men won't do it. One of 2 things happen when we become parents, we either do exactly what they did or we do exactly the opposite. Very few people are able to recognize what is "middle ground". Awesome men can turn into real nightmares. Never marry someone until you've had a few big fights, then you'll know how they deal with their problems. If you never fight... not good... Have you met his parents? Or are you going by what he is telling you? Have you spent alot of time with his family to see how they work out disagreements? Good luck.
Be especially careful of the ones who are "bible thumpers", they're the most messed up.

Answer 5

Just becuse he had a abusive childhood doesn't mean that he will be that way. Many children that come from that kind of child hood tend to be self conscious of how they treat there kids and are careful to avoid being that way themselves it is a great fear to many that they will be that way.
You should talk to him if you think that it is getting that serious find out how he feels about being a parent and what kind of a parent he wants to be. in disicpline so forth make sure your on the same wave lenght on that and it should answer alot of your questions on what kind of parent he will be.

Answer 6

I think it should be an issue you need to discuss if you wil possibly marry and have children. Children of physical abuse are more likely to hit a child themselves but reconditioning their anger habits will insure a child's safety. Now on the other hand some men will also make the vow to never hit their children the way they will so diciplining will be grounding or priveledges revocked.

Answer 7

Well statistically there is a higher chance that he will be an absurer himself but that doesn't necessary mean he will be one. If he understands that that way of growing up is wrong then he won't do it to his kids.

I know a few people who had abusive childhoods and are now fantastic parents.. i think if he is a great person with no signs of anger problems then i think you have nothing to worry about

Answer 8

Myself including three of my siblings have had abusive childhoods, we were abused. All three of my siblings are parents now and are not at all abusive. I think that they understood that their situation was wrong and have made sure never to make the same mistake as our father had. They are great parents, loving, protective, everything that was absent when we were growing up. I think it depends on the person, did he get over his past, did he move on, did he forgive them?

Answer 9

some people grow up to be abusers and keep the cycle of abuse going and some of the lucky ones overcome it and do not abuse and therefore stop the cycle.
Just because he is laid back does not mean he will not abuse.
You will only find that out after you have children.
Hopefully he will not. If he does, hopefully you will report him and leave him.

be cool...

Answer 10

If that is all the child knows then it is more common for the child when it is an adult to become abusive, but no I don't think it automatically means they will be come abusive. It is something you have to fight through and make the choice to not become like your parents and know you are better then that. (not really you, i don't know you but generally speaking).