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My mother and I are estranged. We last spoke in January, which was the first time I'd seen her in 2 years. She's had financial difficulties, and I didn't want my sister to be stuck with the burden alone, so I've been paying half of her bills for several months through my sister. She is aware that I help support her, but has never acknowledged it in any way. My sister and I have agreed that our mother needs to pay her own way going forward.

So now mother's day is coming up and someone made the comment to me that I'm obligated to send a card or to otherwise acknowledge that she is my mother. I don't wish her ill, but this woman is someone that I don't like or trust and I know that I'm better off being far away from her, where she can't hurt me mentally or emotionally anymore, as she always has.

So... what's my obligation? It hurts to have no relationship, but I've lived like this so long that I'm used to having no parents (father was absent and died many years ago).

Thanks

2007-04-27 09:15:03 · 7 answers · asked by Vix 4 in Family & Relationships Family

7 answers

That someone who said you were obligated to send a card or acknowledge your mother has obviously never experienced what you have and does not have a clue what it feels like to be shot down emotionally/mentally/physically by your own mother for more years then anyone would deserve. Not everyone understands and you always have to consider the source when you get reply's from others about your very own situations. When you find yourself standing at a shelf full of mothers day cards and spend numerous amounts of time going through several of them and not being able to find one card that tells the truth about what your mom/relationship really is to you, then you know something needs to change. If you send a card without the correct meaning, your doing nothing but enabling the issues that hurt you so bad. You do what you need to do for yourself and you'll figure it out as you go. I am very sorry for your situation, because as I know all to well, it is a pain that no one could ever imagine. I have been estranged from my birth mother for a few months over six years. I enstranged myself because she was and still is very abusive. Where ever I am, she finds me and sends terrible, vindictive letters. I stash them away without reading them anymore and go about my life. Reading them would just place her right here where I'm at and I experience that pain all over again. I stay away from her because I finally decided that I don't deserve it anymore and I am not responsible for her anymore. I went down every avenue that can be thought of to have some sort of peacful/healthy/workable relationship, but nothing and I mean nothing ever worked. She won't acknowledge what she does, gets even more evil when anything is acknowledged about it and the only way for me to forgive her is to stay away. My motto is this: If she remains a part of my life, I could never forgive her God aweful cruel personality ways because there will definatly be repeat offense. So I stay as far away as can be, because it was the very last resort choice of mine. Now that I am not anywhere near her presents, I live the best life that I am capible of, she can't inflict her misery on me anymore and therefore, I can forgive her. I hope your situation turns on a better dime then mine. Perhaps you can take your space that you need and perhaps things will change for the better down the road for you and your mom. A little bit of literature that I took to heart to help me along was: If you don't have Communication, Acceptance, Respect and Trust in any kind of relationship, forget it. So strive to work with your mom on those things. If she works with you, that will be a beautiful day for you both, but if she just can't get it, then you have to do what you've got to do for your own life. I wish you the very best in your decisions and hope that I have helped in some sort of way. Take Care and again, best of wishes on all of your dreams, goals and wanted accomplishments. Just want you to know that having this kind of relationship does not have to hold you back in life. I survived depending on my unstable mother, had no father and I am in my late thirty's now with a small business that I started completely on my own, have a mortgage, lots of other people in my life that are wonderful and am very thankful for a good life after the fact of a not so good life growing up. So don't feel any less of a person because of family issues. More people have them then will ever admit. Take care of yourself by changing what you can and letting go of what you can't change. Believe me, this really works. Also, it is a good thing to try hard, but when you feel that your trying is draining you and taking away from the things that you want in life for yourself, it is time to give yourself a break. Peace, AJ

2007-04-28 19:10:01 · answer #1 · answered by Debonair Bound 2 · 1 0

this is style of corny, yet why do no longer you write him a letter and deliver your fathers day desires like that. it is likewise an rather formal and severe way of demonstrating the closure you're after. i'm confident your father will rather rejoice with it. What does a particular to 70 year previous want with a card? provide him some thing greater very own. you are able to write something you have been wanting to declare to him for years. he gets exhilaration from it.

2016-10-04 00:18:29 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0 0

If you think it's worth having the relationship with her, take the initiative and deliver the card in person.

If you think it isn't, send a card if you want, or don't. But go on with you life knowing that this part of it will be different from most other people's lives. That's not necessarily bad or good, it's just different. Most people don't have a mother like yours, so most will have different relationships.

2007-04-27 09:23:41 · answer #3 · answered by Ralfcoder 7 · 1 0

You are not obligated to give your mother anything. A gift or a card should mean something and if it doesn't then it is a lie. I am estranged from my mother on and off for the past 7 years and she knows why she does not get anything from me. Try having the same birthday as your mom! You have the relationship with her that you are comfortable with. When she starts acting like a mother, you can treat her like one. Good luck.

2007-04-27 09:23:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0 2

You are not obligated to anyone but yourself. If you have tried and failed to reconcile with this woman then you have done enough.
Family can be wonderful but sometimes they can be poison.
It is time to cut the negative influences out of your life starting with mom.
Then do something for yourself. Forgive her. I'm not saying let her back in your life or that what she did was right. I'm saying give up all the anger and hurt she has caused by saying I forgive.
It is remarkably freeing to lay down that burden and move on with your life.
Good luck.

2007-04-27 09:24:35 · answer #5 · answered by nailgal2005 3 · 1 1

My Friend...Your obligation is to live and enjoy life.

If part of that is a relationship with Mom...then tell her. Mom I need to have a loving relationship with you. Maybe she is not the best of Mom's, but you can help change that. Movement that is positive and loving, even when not excepted when given, is still a release for your soul. To keep bouncing around an issue or relationship with out change is just that. We as humans have a tendancy to keep doing the same thing and we keep getting the same result. Thats fine if the result is what we want.
You can do this, sounds like you are innovative and caring, remember mom may have a lot of guilt and misery she is dealing with and stays in bondage because of it.
I would like to share the following with you. I hope it helps in your pursuit of relationship with mom. I pray that you both will love and forgive..


Bounce Back
Bounce back? That’s the hard way to present your self to what ever rolled you away. Lift your self back up? That’s a heavy burden to try and hold on to. Get back in the race? Well now we are getting a little closer to solid ground. But where are you racing from? And what are you racing to? But most of all who are you racing with? Number one, does the race that you have entered have anything to do with winning your soul? Or in sadness does it bring about loss. How can you know if you are in the kind of rest that you should be in? Peace my friend, yes, soul peace, deep seated soul peace. The peace that goes beyond things, and surroundings, and circumstances.
This peace will always be evident by, faith, hope, and love, that brings rest.
What is the proof? The guilty past is gone. Brought about by confessed loss. The time is right now. Let life pick you up, you will never be rolled away, because the stone was. All is now open to you, you can come in and see for your self. Death is gone only life remains.
Let life pick you up, again, again, and again. Even seventy times seventy per day. This way is light and easy. There is no burden to carry. Life is leading you to rest right now.

You say it sounds impossible. Well it was, but not any more, because you know the truth now. You know the Way the Truth and the Life. The rest that I speak of is the rest for a souls journey. The rest that says all is complete.
So now I must stand on the promise of the souls restfulness. And only walk the way of love, peace and, joy. And finally I can rest in the plan of the ages.
My life is for good. No bouncing around no heavy lifting. No false race to run. No competitive guilt conscience. All things are mine. Hid away in the secret place of rest. In rest it will all come to you. Then you can choose.
Remember: If you hurry anxiously life want pass you by, you will do that. You are the only one that can pass life by or leave it behind. But if you choose life the rest, joy and fulfillment is there waiting for you on the path of life, in Christ Jesus there is fullness of joy. Are you reaching back in the past for help? Be cautious because guilt is there waiting in the gloom and the darkest regret. Bondage knows no rest. Only life in the soul can bring light. And by now you know the difference between life and death, you have been able to see death…
Magnified. Some have even been terrified by loss. But now you have received a glimpse of the light of God’s Love, so go ahead, that’s right I said go ahead, not backwards, go ahead and choose the life of choice. That’s right choose today, this very moment, and tomorrow as well, also the day after, and the day after that. You see its all before you. Now get the good going, let it snowball, let it over take you.
Quit running from and begin to run to, that’s right make quick steps toward what’s best for you. I can see you’ve got it now, so give it away, that’s right just go ahead and give it away. Not knowledge alone which can puff you up. Not wisdom alone which can cause emptiness when you are alone.
Here it is, give away life’s gift to you, love, because love never fails. Love never thinks of it self, doesn’t have to. Why?
Because, love covers and is totally, completely, unselfishly satisfied with being given. Give and it will be given back to you…I'm a witness...
Be Blest Today, Right Now!
And That Is... The News...Daniel

2007-04-27 10:32:00 · answer #6 · answered by The News...Daniel 2 · 1 0

Wow I was going to answer but this comment above me...WOW!! They put some thought into it, but I agree with it!

2007-04-27 16:59:36 · answer #7 · answered by SexyBlackFasho 3 · 0 0

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