We are having my daughter's first birthday party and my mother in law has chosen to go to a friend's daughter's wedding instead. That is not the worst part - We had already discussed/resolved the wedding/party conflict this with her 3 months ago and she said she coming, lying all along, knowing fulll well that she had already booked her tickets in advance. Now she drops the bomb on us a week before the party. She says she never said yes, but rather said "ok" . She said it only matters that she is around on her real birthday, which she won't be because my husband and I are taking out our daughter for a special day as a family. This is not the first time my MIL has dropped us for a better offer. It appears as if the novelty of her granddaughter has worn off. Don't even get me started on what she did before our wedding...Any opinions?
2007-04-27 06:14:55 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I use the term "better offers" because she is famous for waiting until the last minute to confirm plans with anyone, and then chooses what she wants to do. I am referencing it from her point of view
2007-04-27 06:24:52 · update #1
Just to clarify:
- We would spend more time with her but she refuses to drive herself and makes us pick her up - She lives a distance from us and it can be hard for us to always have to drive to see her.
- She always chastizes her ex-husband for blowing his granddaughter off :)
2007-04-27 06:30:55 · update #2
- We weren't trying to exclude the MIL on her actual birthday. We wanted to spend some time just the 3 of us. The party was planned to include everyone so no one felt left out. Sorry if that came across as unclear.
2007-04-27 06:52:18 · update #3
The fact that you feel there are "better offer"s out there says you think there are better things to do than spend time with you.
"other offer" would have been my choice of words.
If YOU don't feel you're the "better offer", why would you expect her to?
2007-04-27 06:19:16 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 6⤋
You're spending a lot of time and energy being upset about a person that you're not going to change. Accept the fact your MIL has decided the level of involvement she'll have in your daughter's life, and it doesn't match what you think it should be. If she was lying all along, no offense to your husband, but she's just a bad person that you really don't want being that involved with your daughter anyway.
Enjoy your daughter's birthday party, and appreciate the fact it will probably be a better day for you without her there. It doesn't matter one bit to your daughter if your M-I-L is there, she's too young to know the difference. And years from now, your daughter can ask her grandmom why she wasn't in any of her first birthday pics!!!
2007-04-27 06:23:40 · answer #2 · answered by chris m 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Can we say drama queen? You, not your MIL. Since you and your husband aren't likely to be out all evening on your daughter's special day, I'm sure she can visit for an hour. Gosh, she's only a year old and you've already made her a pawn! There are a lot worse problems with MILs and this isn't it.
That said (I'm not trying to beat you up), issue invitations with the assumption that she won't be coming. If she does, great, celebrate that. If she doesn't, oh well. I understand the problem as I have relatives who do exactly the same thing.
2007-04-27 06:23:00 · answer #3 · answered by CarbonDated 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
So your daughter's one year closer to her death. What's the big deal? You say you're having special "family" time on her actual birthday, yet you don't include the grandmother. Judging by this alone, you sound like you're excluding her from your daughter's life as well.
Calm down. A party's no big deal. In my opinion, a wedding is more important than a birthday. What if your grandmother had gone to your niece's birthday party instead of your wedding? How would that make you feel?
2007-04-27 06:22:48 · answer #4 · answered by no name 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It may sound mean, but you'll just have to get over this. Not every grandparent views being a grandparent the same way. Your MIL may feel that it is more important to her longtime friend that she go to her daughter's wedding. It is not that she may not care about your child, but she may feel that your child will have other birthdays that she can attend. By carrying on about it you may cause huge long lasting problems between you and she and your husband. Be careful about the battles you pick with MIL's. That's not to say they get to decide everything. Like everyone else you have to look at things from their side sometimes.
2007-04-27 06:20:40 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be a little easy on grandma. Why wouldn't you have changed the babies birthday party to the week before or after the wedding. A wedding is much more different than a birthday party. I know how precious their 1st birthdays are. I have 5 kids myself. But if the grandma doesn't see it like that...let her be. There are so many other things to nitpick that warrent so much more merit than this. You can't tell me you expected her friends daughter to change the date of their wedding so the baby's grandma could be at the birthday party. I wouldn't even expect my own mother to give up Rene's wedding to come sing happy birthday to my son. (rene is her close friends daughter) Personalize this...think of your close friend. Are you not close to their children? Back in the day, our moms hung out at their close friends house 5 days a week while their men worked. So their friends kids were more like their neices or nephew.
2007-04-27 06:28:14 · answer #6 · answered by luv2bake 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1.) Sorry about having a MIL that thinks that you aren;t up to snuff cause thats what it sounds like.
In honest opinion. Always take her for her word, when she backs out, just say laugh and say "Ok, FIRST NAME" take care of yourself and have a good time" and politely hang up the phone.
She will judge you no matter what, don't give her any fuel.
We buried a grandmother in law that had everyone that walked on pins and needles for her (because of wealth I think) and in the end she left nobody anything cause "they deserved it" It was sad but a bitter lesson that they all learned the hard way. So dont be cross, sly, mean, or crass, let her sound like the freak that she is and let her die as she chooses, miserable. OH, and tell her always when you hang up "We love you, bye bye."
2007-04-27 06:24:37 · answer #7 · answered by avengress 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two things. One, think of it this way, she is missing out on her granddaughter. Every time she puts other things in place of family, yea it hurts you, but it will hurt her more. My grandmother did the same thing and I never viewed her as a true "grandma". If she continues this trend as your daughter gets older, she will get that this grandma is like a hood ornament, just there for show. Second, be careful how you react to your mother-in-laws hurtful actions. Bottom line is she is still your spouses mother, and even though they know how she is and it may irritate them to, it hurts when you tare their mom down. Think of it this way, if someone started talking crap about your spouse or your daughter, know matter how true it might be, you are going to get upset and defend them. If you get upset at your mother-in-laws actions, don't dwell on them. You will become more irritated and your spouse will hurt. You have the great opportunity to show your little girl how to treat others and she will be awesome because of you! Hope she has a GREAT birthday!
2007-04-27 06:31:18 · answer #8 · answered by frogs 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There will come a time when your mother-in-law will be very disheartened because of her past actions with regard to her grand-daughter, her son and yourself.
Be patient.
Enjoy the birthday party AND the private family day.
If anyone asks about her - just tell them the truth..."She had plans there were of higher value to her than attending the party." If they press for details answer by saying that they will have to ask her.
2007-04-27 06:22:57 · answer #9 · answered by Mrs.M 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen Sweetie, Grandparents are great, but this one seems like she causes you more worry in than neccessary. Don't allow her to have an effect on your feelings, if she knows she does she probably secretly gets a kick out of it. Your daughter's first birthday is special, but guess what she's going to have many more. If you don't want to allow her to be there when you and your husband take her out don't invite her, but it looks like it's out of spite!!! Always look at the brighter side of things: You don't live together so anytime you do spend together has to come to an end!!
2007-04-27 06:37:59 · answer #10 · answered by cutie_pie28 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
okay .... what was the realtionship that your husband had with his mother before you ..... if it wasnt that great then maybe that is a key reason ..... my boyfriends mother has never really been a part of his life ... she walked out when he was 3 ... his dad and his dad's mom took care of him ... and he is an awesome person ..... but even today ... if what he is doing doenst fit in with her plans she could careless .... he has ot call ehr to find out how she is doing ..... she has no realy relationship with either of us nor my kids .... however on his birthdya and christmas she gives him a couple hundrend dollars .. its like she is trying to pay time off taht she didnt spend with him .... its ridiculous .... we are talking abotu getting married and my one fear is that she will want the "groom's mothers" rights when she has never really been mom .... his dad's mother was mom for him ... and to top it off she has another son and does everything and anything for him .. go figure .... my opinion is dont plan your life aroudnd the MIL ... plan your families life according to your families needs and concerns ... tell her what your doing and if she shows she shows .... if not ... it's more her lose than your daughters... that little girl has sooo many more people that love her that will be there and she will have a ton of fun .... that situation is sad but smile with it .... MIL can be arrogant ... we DIL jsut have to smile and do what is best for our families
2007-04-27 06:26:43 · answer #11 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋