How do we handle a 13 yr olds rude behaviour?

Question

My stepdaughter lived with my husband and I until about a week ago. There was a huge blow up and she decided she wanted to stay with her mom. Now we see her on Thursday nights and every other weekend. Last night she was home and was very rude mostly to my husband. She has anger management issues and is in therapy. But now that she is with her mom, it seems that she feels like she can treat us like crap and there is nothing we can do about it. I told her she was being rude and stayed in my room the rest of the night for fear of blowing up and saying things best left unsaid. Example of her behaviuor: She brushed past her dad while he was at the table and pushed him. Did not say excuse me, called him a dictator because he voiced an opinion on a subject, teased her 4 yr old brother into a screaming frenzy and ignored me when I told her to stop. This behaviour is nothing new but at least when she lived with us we were able to take away priviledges. Now I feel we have no recourse.

Answer 1

She's taking control over you, her dad, the whole house there it seems.
Remember you are the ones in charge. You set the rules in your house, not that brat. If she doesn't live by your rules, she doesn't have to be there. Period.
Her dad may have a very difficult time holding this position, maybe he feels guilty and that's the wedge she has to get away with this sort of behavior. Could be that, or anything but DO NOT allow that brat to control your home.
Recourse? Oh yeah, you have it. You DO NOT have to put up with her horseshit.

Answer 2

First off, SHE should be the one staying in her room, not you. She is the one misbehaving and if you hide and let her continue then she will think that her behavior is acceptable. Remember that even though this is your house as well, and your rules, the father needs to lay down the law and be the assertive one in this. He needs to take control of the situation. Take away all her privileges. TV, radio, computer, etc, until she learns that her actions will have an impact on her life. Good actions get rewarded and bad actions get punished.

Your husband also needs to sit down with his ex and find a solution for this problem. Since you didn't say that her mother provokes this behavior I am going to assume she doesn't. Especially since you said that she is in therapy for anger management. But with the therapy there needs to be a constancy of rules between the two houses. If she acts up with her father then the mother needs to be aware of this and support the punishment that was invoked on the child.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I know just what you should do.

Around this time almost every boy and girl have rushing hormones but that doesn't give anyone the right to give parents disrespect. The first thing you should do is go and talk to your stepdaughter's therapist, he'll talk to her and that will give some golden help.

The next thing to do is to stand up, don't let her walk all over you, when she does something like bump into and walks away say "what do you say?" and if she doesn't respond, "wait til your mother finds out...."

Find out if the mom isn't provoking her to act this way. If your husband and her mom are on good terms, talk to her about her daughter's behavior. If they're on bad terms try calling and carefully talking about the behavior.

remember you have to love you child more than you hate your ex

Answer 4

Your husband can still set boundaries and rules in the household when his daughter comes to the house. It is best that only he disciplines her because it is his child. This child is not a guest in the house, she is family so taking away privlidges in something that your husband can still do,

Perhaps something is bothering her deeply where she is acting out looking for some type of attention. It is not easy being a teenager and having parents who are divorced and being shuffled here, there and everywhere.

Why don't you try and talk with her one on one. Perhpas a girls day out to get a pedicure or manicure. Bond with her on a different level and she may tell you what is happening.

It's tough being a teenager as we go from a little girl into a young lady and all crazy things are happening inside of us.

Answer 5

Your husband needs to talk to his ex-wife about their daughter's behavior. I can't imagine she's treating her mother wonderful either. Your stepdaughter is apparently the boss in both households. For any sort of discipline to work, parents need to present a united front, whether they are still married or not. I don't expect that any form of discipline from you will have any effect. At your home, your husband is the one who needs to set the ground rules for miss nasty. There has to be some sort of underlying cause for this behavior and being in therapy should help. Has the therapist talked to her parents? You can't let her force you into your room, because that's exactly the behavior she wants, which is controlling behavior on her part. She should not, under any circumstances continue the behavior towards her little brother. I sympathize with him for having to put up with it. In a situation like this, the parents need to exhibit mature behavior in order to control this child. After all, parenting is not a democracy, it should be a benevolent dictatorship and we know who that should be, don't we?

Answer 6

The PARENTS need to get together and get on the same page when it comes to discipline....A spanking could go 2 ways...it could either help or make things 10 times worse...depends on the child and relationship between parent and kid...you can feel that out. However, if possible a spanking could be a good thing because it will get her attnetion THEN follow it up with a grounding, make sure MOM knows shes grounded and reinforses it at her house. They dont need to love eachother or betogether but they NEED to love their daughter so they need to get together on this one. They need to love their daugher more then they hate eachother.

Answer 7

that is because she needs parenting
this nothing to do with the way you handling the situation
but she needs her mom & dad to do some parenting
and for that you 3 most set a meeting and discuss the situation today she is 13 and she acting like she is
imagine her a 18 20 she will be worst

Answer 8

okay look i went threw sorta the same crap she's going through when i was her age. its what some teens go through, they'll hate on a certaint family member for a while, and then as the years pass by their relationship with that family member will get better, i havent seen my father for a month or so since my great great grand mother died but still, her father does have the rights to ground her and if she doesnt listen he has other rights. if she keeps pushing it he can take this to the judge and he can put her through comiunity service, or boot camp. kids her age have to listen to who is her parent/parents. even if they are spilt up. but yea, either ask a judge for a boot camp thing or w/e, or take her to counciling so she can tell the counciler whats on her mind, but the counciler wont be able to tell you, if she asks him or her, can you not tell my dad or step mom. but those are some ideas from some one who went through the sorta the same stuff she is going through.

Answer 9

You must have rules and boundries set. Dad has got to reinforce them too. This 13 yr. old cannot be allowed to rule the roost because dad may feel sorry for her or guilty for not being in her life more. There must reaction to the action!

Answer 10

Im a mother of an 11 yr old girl who was recently diagnosed with ODD. THis is a terrible thing for a family to have to deal with, im not even sure how at this time.
But my point is maybe she has this as well, she sounds like she has no respect for athority figures and wants to constantly provoke family memebers into arguments.
That is one of the symptons .......check it out its worth a try....
And if anyone has any suggesstions to my family on how to deal with her i would appreciate it.
My daughter has become aggressive and recently physically violent towrads me.