My son is 27, hasnt worked for years and lives with his girlfriend. In the past year i have given him about a thousand pounds for various things including rent arrears, paying fines, food etc .
He asked me for more money (a few hundred) recently and i said no and i feel so bad. he knows i have the money because i recently sold my house but i feel that when i do give him it he never leaves me alone and i am sick of it.
i have helped him get on his feet again and feel that i have done my bit and he should get on with it. Am i being hard? If i didnt have the money i wouldnt feel so bad but he dosnt realise that i am having to buy another house as my partner and i are not getting on. I dont want to tell him this though.
it acutally just adds to the stress and i already feel so depressed and dread when he phones me or text. I never get so much as a birthday or mothers day card from him!
What do you think?
2007-04-26 20:46:09 · 28 answers · asked by cottontail 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Well .. you don't have to feel guilty.. it is your son who should have felt that way...
In my personal experience and opinion.. what he is doing can be nothing more than "Emotional Blackmailing" .. he knows you are sensitive.. and it is not helping him.. the way you are going ahead.. Sorry.. if I am hurting.. but you are not allowing him to face the realities.. Never mind what happens.. let him get out of dependency and learn to be self dependent.. let him feel the necessity to work and earn.... Look at the things as a third party.. and you will understand what i mean..
He is not 27months old baby but 27years old grown up man.. living with his girlfriend.. and still you feel guilty to say no..
It will be much bett4er if you learn to say "NO"... just "NO" .. no explanations.. no reasons.. No sentiments.. He is supposed to be looking after you now.. and How Long do you think you will keep doing this..
It is high time you learn this.. or it may be too late... what you say is helping your son... may prove to be opposite..it is not helping.. it is helping to make him dependent and useless.. Doesn not matter how much he earns.. he has to learn.. and before that you have to learn and practice.. One day at a time.. "Don't Borrow .. Donot Expect .. and DONOT give.." if you want him to become fit and strong to be able to stand on his feet... with his own efforts.. not holding your finger.. it is time let him walk.. he may stumble.. fall and he will get up.. this is human instinct.. love of life and desire to survive.. and let him love to survive at his own..
You are simply punishing yourself for something which yoiur son is doing.. ? is it right.. ? Ask yourself in silent moments.. ? Let him learn that he is responsible for whatever situation he is facing.. and not you .. and try to understand this fact.. Choice is yours.. not of your Son.. make it now..
2007-04-27 15:44:15 · answer #1 · answered by paul 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I think you are foolish to keep giving him money. He is out on his own living with a girl and should be responsible to start being a man. He is just using you as you probably know, and its about time you just plainly said No More! Is he not able to work? Handicapped? Or even if he was still living at home or a student, or taking a trade etc.etc. Sounds like he is expecting you to take care of him. Those days should be over for you, but you are the one who has to make that decision. It would be different if he is trying, but sounds to me like he is not . What would he do if something happened to you, not that it will but To me he is not even a son, as he does not respect you whatsoever.
He should live his life and let you live yours. Tell him you love him and this has not helped either one of you.He is not doing anything with his life and you are making yourself sick as well as miserable with your partner. So You Decide!
I believe when you finally get enough and say "NO" his attitude will change towards you. It will be tough for a while, but you should not feel guilty.
2007-04-26 21:08:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you made a mistake.
The mistake was not saying 'no' earlier.
But, as they say... better late than never.
He's 27 years old. How long should he live from your money? You are NOT helping him by providing his every need. He will not learn to fend for himself if you give him money freely.
This has nothing to do with 'getting on his feet'. This has to do with staying on the couch.
Give children what they need, not what they want. At the moment, what he needs is a reason to get off the couch. If you give him money, you are raising one very lazy individual.
Stop feeling guilty! Tell him you went to the doctor and you had your guilt-glands removed!
By the way... have you noticed that 27 out of 27 answers say the same thing?
2007-04-26 21:16:04 · answer #3 · answered by mgerben 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sir, what u did is the right thing. Any Loving father would go in depression that his son asking money and i did not gave him. Its ok, I think u have done the best as the father now its the time of the sun to show his best. But to make this happen u both need to explain to each other, if u hide any thing from each other than that will make u seperate. So discuss with him about urs next plan and explain him this even that now its your turn to give me money insted i m giving u.
2007-04-26 20:52:52 · answer #4 · answered by Paresh v 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I realize how easy it is for me to say but you've already done more for your son than you should have had to. He has to grow up and stand on his own 2 feet sometime but if you pick him up every time he falls, he'll never do it. You must know, deep down, that you're not really helping him.
Tell him straight out that he needs to get a job because you're not giving him any more money. (I would also tell him that he's a spoiled, immature brat but that's just me).
You're not being hard and you have nothing to feel guilty about. After all, who's going to take care of him when he's 37? 47? 57?
2007-04-26 20:56:22 · answer #5 · answered by Alice K 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm 28 years old, and i've been working full time since I was 22. My parents will still buy me the occaisional thing or give me money if my car is torn up and my husband and i can't afford it, but they've never had to pay my rent, or any of my debts, or any of that. To see a child taking advantage of their parents in such a way breaks my heart.
I really think you've done a lot for him, and he isn't that appreciative. He doesn't even seem to be trying to do for himself, and he needs to face up to life and get a job like everyone else has to.
2007-04-26 20:53:15 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
as a mother and 28 yrs old i dont talk to my mother often and likely when i do i ask for money too, but i always have paid her back and within less than a week, u have done your best and its always hard to tell our children no as we want to care and nurture them always but this is called tuff love and he needs to get a job, just because you have the money doesnt seem to me that you have to give it to him, this will help him in growing up and becoming an adult no more needing mom youve done your best n you would think by now he would have learned let him suffer eventually he will hun dont b down about it just remember ur not a candy shop n no he cant have any he will wine n cry but get over it soon enough.
2007-04-26 20:57:32 · answer #7 · answered by evilella 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ive seen a similar experince. When that happens you can either give in all the time and have a relationship with your son. Or you can say no, let him sulk for a few months, but eventually hell get over it. Anyhow if i had a lazy son like that who didnt get me a birthday present or sits on his *** all day not working then I would not give him a single dime. because he simply does not deserve it. Hes 27 years old and should be supporting himself.
2007-04-26 20:51:45 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think he is using you and at 27 it is time for him to grow up and stand on his own two feet. Do not feel guilt. You have treated him too well over the years and he has not needed to care for himself. Let him stand on hos own two feet. He will benifit from it. Focus on yourself and your relationship and inform your son that there will be no more money. He can't even by you a birthday present or card. He is selfish and needs to wake up to himself
2007-04-26 23:13:54 · answer #9 · answered by Rachel 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Mothers really give unconditional love huh? Your son is 27 years old. You yourself said that he is an ADULT. If you won't say no, when will he learn? Your son will always depend on you if you will give in to his every whim. Don't feel guilty because you are doing this for his OWN GOOD. Although it is easier said than done, try not to think of your son's welfare. I think 27 years of total dependence is more than enough for him to think of his own future ON HIS OWN.
You are doing the right thing. You are doing that because you love him.
2007-04-26 21:00:41 · answer #10 · answered by mars 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋