How to help your child when a father wont visit.?

Question

My daughter is 9 years old today. Her father has not seen her for over 4 1/2 years. He has not requested to or tried to. His mother sends gifts at Christmas and her birthday. The gifts seem inappropriate. A t-shirt that said "Wanted Daddy's Littler Girl" A cd my Tim McGraw with the song My Little Girl. She sends them and puts his name on them. His mother has not seen her in almost 5 years. Each time a gift comes it emotional hurts my daughter and it takes about a months to get her past it. Can someone please tell me how I can help my daughter accept who her father is and that him and his family will probably never visit and keep her emotionally together. It hurts me to see her this way. See also has not talked to her father via the phone in over 3 years.

Answer 1

You need to talk to the grandmother and tell her how in appropriate the presents are. He's no father and the gifts represent a real man, not a coward. How about another father figure in her life.... She needs a father figure to get over the jerk sperm donor that he is.

I don't understand fathers.. I'm divorced and love my children more then anything and anyone in the world.. The father is the loser for not realizing his loss....

Give me his email.. I'll tell him what a piece of sh_it he is..AND what he's missing out on being a parent and father.

Answer 2

Tell her the truth in language that she can understand. This type of behavior hurts a child sooooooooooo much. Send the gifts back to the grandmother, I had to do the same thing. And she finally stopped after a few returns. And my daughter is fine, because I have always been honest with her. Tell her all people aren't the same and in turn all parents aren't the same. There is no reason for her to be hurt by some jack *** that has mommy send gifts. Do you really want this man in your daughters life? Do you want her to sit and wonder why he doesn't show up? She needs to know that some people are just flat out mean and the sooner she learns that the better off she will be in the long run.

Answer 3

This kind of thing is so unfortunate. My sister-in-law just walked out on my brother and three children 5, 2, and 1. She said she does not want the kids. He's going through this too...though they are young.

I'll tell you what I told him. You cannot make the other person care. Children, especially your daughter's age, will hurt, but the only thing you can do is sit them down and let them know YOU love them, and that you're sorry that "Daddy doesn't see or call you....I wish he did too." With time, she'll learn to live with it. He's going to eventually have a lot of questions to answer, and it serves him right. When she's an adult, she'll either, a.) disown him altogether because she's learned to live without him, or b.) seek him out for answers. Either way, the best thing you can do now is be there for your child. Let her hurt. I'd speak to the grandmother, or write her a letter and explain it's okay to send gifts or call, but to please try to not make it so "Daddy" personal because your baby hurts when she sees that stuff. I think your daughter is also old enough to explain that some people don't always do what we feel or think they should do, and that we have to try to be happy anyway. Life is about changes. Some of them good, and some of them bad. But we can still go on regardless.
Do fun things with her. Maybe a new hobby to take her mind off of some of this. Good luck.

Answer 4

This is very sad. It would probably be best to return the gifts unopened before your daughter knows they have arrived. Is he at least providing child support? If not most states will prosecute this on your behalf.
Weaning her from a desire to be loved by her father is going to be very hard. She needs a positive male role model who can do things with her - an uncle or a friend or really anyone you can trust. Children need positive role models of both genders in order to grow up properly. And try to get her involved in something like the Girl Scouts to boost her self esteem.

Answer 5

Ew...sounds like fun. Honestly? I would talk to his mother and flat out tell her to stop sending presents on behalf of her son. She can send gives from herself, fine, but also only if she has any intentions of actually seeing the child. I'm sure you probably already had made sure that her father isn't going to end up becoming a good father anytime soon, but double check, and then talk to your daughter. This might be something she needs to deal with on her own, or that she might have to realize the cold hard truth herself by confronting her father herself. Kids so rarely seem to accept a neglectful parent at younger ages. The best of luck.

Answer 6

"Wanted Daddy's Littler Girl" A cd my Tim McGraw with the song My Little Girl. She sends them and puts his name on them .... are you for real?

I can't even tell if this is a real question.... I am so sick of people lying here anyways...

If this is for real then you have to stop giving her the gifts. Just pretend nothing ever came for her and slowly get her to understand that he nad his family are no longer a part of her life. She doesn't need them anyway and she will understand that when she is older.

Answer 7

I am 23 years old, my prarents divorced when i was 9 years old. From the time i was 11 to about 15 i did not see or hear from my dad(he has a drug problem,thats why they split.). Even then and now, i hardly talk to my dad or seen( i havnt seen his sinc nov.2006, when my brother left for bootcamp). As an adult living my own life, it hurts to see other dads with their daughters. Im the only girl and when i was lil i was dadys lil girl... For me and my brothers it still hasnt gone away( I'm 23, And brother are 21 & 15) I wish it was that easy to get over!

Answer 8

I went through the same situation. You are the mother. You have to talk to her and let her know it is not her. Its him. You cannot continue to let him hurt her. Put the gifts and cards in a box in the closet. She is kind of young to understand the 'adults make mistakes, too' lecture, but try it any way. And you cant be walking around like the wounded either. You be strong for your girl.

Answer 9

The mother needs to back off. It's time for this guy to be Daddy or forever butt out.

I could only stay away a year and a half from my kids that I love after the divorce. It just affected my life too much. I wish my ex would jump off a cliff, but I won't let her put her "values" alone into our children.

Answer 10

Why not let her feel stronger than dad, maybe feel a little pity for him, or, at least, understand him as he is and know that that is not a reflection on who she is at all?

Without anger toward him or pity for her, tell her that her dad just doesn't have what it takes to be a regular presence in her life right now. It doesn't take much personal strength & responsibility to start a baby growing, but not everyone's ready to be a parent just because they start a baby growing. Being a parent is a huge responsibility, a day to day, very important job & her dad just still isn't ready to do that.

It has nothing to do with how he feels about her. Or who she is. Or whether she's loved. Or who she can be.

And, his family is probably just too embarrassed to really do much more, as evidenced by their attempts to make it look like he's doing what he should be doing as a parent.

It's kind of sad for all of them, really.

And, it's too bad your daughter doesn't have the benefits of a dad who was ready to be a parent when she was born. (Maybe you could even use this as a lesson for her, teaching her to be more careful about who she chooses to make babies with herself) But, she's doing just fine, anyway - growing, being taken care of, surrounded by people she loves.

Don't encourage her to feel like a victim or to pity herself. A good way to do that is to make sure you don't act like a victim in his absence, either.

Just keep on emphasizing that it's really his loss, but it's not a conscious choice he'd make, if he was mature & responsible enough to be a parent. It's just who he is & what he's ready to do in life.