How do I get my children to listen to me?

Question

I have a 14 yo girl and a 12 yo boy who do not listen to me at all. They are good kids and from what I understand normal kids but I cant take it. I am a single parent living with my boyfriend and it is seeping into our relationship. They dont keep their rooms clean, they dont do what little chores are theirs, they dont do their homework properly so their grades are suffering. They are lazy and sassy. I take the computer away and the TV and whatever else it doesnt work. They wait till I am not around and use the items I have taken away from them. I have threatened EVERYTHING including summer at their father's, whom they do not like to visit, even though I know this is wrong but I feel drastically desperate. I feel like it is my fault somehow. They are smart, wonderful kids and I watch some of their friend and am thankful this is all I have to deal with and feel I being picky because their friends are worse than they are. They have a good moral foundation. HELP!

Answer 1

They don't take you seriously have found away around your punishments. Teenagers-1, Mom-0.
The only thing you're doing wrong is failing to be firm. They are the children and you're the parent. Don't be afraid to take charge.
Teens can be very pushy and moody when it comes to doing things they don't want to do. You need to take serious actions for their misbehavior. Dont be afraid to get tough. if they can't do something simple like keeping their room clean, then get giant plastic bags, put everything on their floors inside them and take them away. Give them a bigger chore to do like cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, dusting etc. Doing this once will make an effect, trust me. As for the computer and TV, take away parts that make it work so when you leave, they can undo their punishment with just a simple task of plugging in a cord. Hide the cable wire that goes from the TV to the cable plug or the cord that goes from the moitor to the computer. They should be, as someone said before, locked up or very well hidden. If these punishments still continue to fail to make a difference try something else. Not allowing them to leave the house is very effective. As for grades, if they aren't going to do their homework and study on their own like young adults, then have them show YOU everything. Be in contact with their teachers, know what they're getting on tests in quizzes and make your children aware that youre doing this. I don't know if your kids have assignment pads, but i would get them one. Have them right their homework down for each subject in class and then have their teacher sign next to it. Check it each night. If that homework isn't completed/handed in the next day, have that teacher highlight the assignment.
I wouldn't use their father as a punishment anymore. My parent's were divorced and whenever i didn't follow one of my mother's rules as a teen she told me i should go live with my father. I wouldn't show emotion in front of her, but later on it bothered me. I understand now that she didn't mean it to hurt me, but she was so annoyed, it was a last resort.
I would also think about setting up some kind of reward system in your house. Your kids are too old for stuff like sticker charts or toys for under $5. Maybe something like spending a weekend somewhere special at the end of the school year or going to their favorite restuarant. I know some people who pay their kids for every A they get in school (i don't believe in paying my kids for grades but thats up to you)
The best piece of advice anyone can give you when it comes to parenting is to stay constant and firm. If you say you cant do ____ for a _____ amount of time, that's what should happen. If you say ______ has be to be done by _______, and it's not completed, there should be a punishment. Kids learn very quickly how to get around their parents rules if they aren't firm. You sounld like a wonderful mother and believe me, i know exactly what youre talking about when it comes to looking at other people's kids.
Best wishes and good luck! =]
Sorry i repeated things. I posted mine then realized that almost everything i said was said above.

Answer 2

Okay, so punishment doesn't work with these two. What about rewards? How about rewarding them with they do something, like a chore? You washed the dishes every day this week---so you get such and such.

As for the computer, you can set it up so that they have to have a password in order to use it. Pick something that they would never guess, like your best friend from grade school or something.

Oh, just thought of something. When I was twelve years old, I got grounded from the mall for a month. (I went some friends without securing a ride home, first) Sassy little me thought it was no big deal, whatever. Later, I realized it sucked because my friends were going to the mall on Saturday and I couldn't go and they went without me.. Trust me, it was effective!

Answer 3

First id say lock everything up in the trunk of your car so that when you leave they cant do anything.
Also id say time to start implementing serious punishments and start sending them to there room.

As far as homework set there with them and dont let them do anything else till they are done and you have checked there work.
You could also enlist the aid of there father.

If the boyfriend cant handle this problem maybe you better rethink the relationship.. you need someone that is going to stand buy you no matter what.

Set them up a strick chore list, and give them consequences for not doing it and rewards for doing it.

If they are in after school activitied .. remove them till they get there act together!!!!

Nip it in the bud now before its to late!!!!!!!

Answer 4

The main disadvantage I can think of is that it's kinda sad if your kid grows up not knowing some of the classic kid songs. They may feel behind / left out if they start school with no idea how to do the songs and dances the other little kids know. ... Plus it's so much fun! I do think kids should be exposed to "kids" music. For our family, my daughter has a few kid song and sunday school song CDs in her bedroom. She can listen to them pretty much whenever she wants. We also have a few classical music CDs that we share (although she listens to them more than I do.) We listen to the radio stations I like in the car. I listen to the radio on my way home from work almost every day. If I hear a song start up that I feel is inappropriate, I will turn it off and talk to her or suggest we sing a song that we both like and know. So my kid gets a good mix of kid and grownup music. But she listens to most of the kid music in her room. And I do not allow her to listen to anything I feel inappropriate.

Answer 5

This happened with my 15 year old. He had a horrible start to high school and grades was one of his issues. He was put onto "house arrest". Wasn't allowed to leave the house except to go to work with his father, go near the computer TV and lost all privileges. His punishment started in October and has been slowly gainign things back as time goes on. His grades have improved greatly (its amazing how DOING homework can help out your grades!) and he's making right choices again.
Find a strong punishement, stick to it and be firm. Good luck!

Answer 6

Pick the thing that bothers you the most. Work on that first.
Then pick the thing he/she likes best, and let them earn it back!
If you take something away, take it OUT of the house or lock it up. Don't let them have any chores or privileges until they cooperate. [ my sister had five teens at once - she used to take the remote, the mouse, and the game controller to bed with her every night! ]
Go in their rooms and start cleaning - bring a big black garbage bag. When they ask what you are doing, say
"Putting out the trash!" Pick up everything on the floor but clothes. Put garbage bag in your car trunk or locked room, after throwing out any junk or stuff you hate. They have to earn it back by chores and behavior.
Then bring in a laundry basket. Take out all the clothes on the floor, on the furniture, on the bed. Lock them up too.
Teach them to do their own laundry. If they run out of clean clothes, they get to wear dirty/wrinkly ones. Make them earn their confiscated clothes back, too.
DO NOT CONFISCATE HOMEWORK/SCHOOLWORK!
Do not give them any spending money or take them anywhere but school, church, etc. They need to earn EVERY
privilege.
You are required to feed, clothe, shelter, and provide medical care for them. If they have seven shirts, pants, socks, and sets of underwear, that's plenty until they earn more.
Make them show you all homework assignments or call their schools to see if teachers post assignments on the internet.
If the computer is not in the house,check it at the office on your break.
Tell them NOW that nobody gets a license or driving permit until they have a 3.0 grade average [ that will really rattle their chain!]
Make sure all the adults enforce the same rules.

Answer 7

Well sound like you need to be more serious with them. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Also it is unwise to compare your kids to others. How your kids behave are a reflection of you. You may not like to hear this but it is the truth. When you teach children to be respectful they will show respect. when you give them their own way they will take it.
The change has to start with you. Your children need a mother and not a friend. If you do not like how they behave have a serious conversation with them and as i said before mean what you say. Set rewards for them based on their behavior. This will help alot. Positive reinforcement works all the time. Soon enough you will see a change. You have to change in order for them to change.

Answer 8

actually they may be listening to you that is the way teenagers are showing that they are growing up, but it isn't right so when they really want something like to stay at their friends house or to go to a party say no and tell them when they start listening to you that you might be available to discuss any extra activities or things they would like to do and stick to whatever you decide. Also if your kids and your boyfriend have a good relationship ask him to talk to them and see what they are feeling.

Answer 9

good moral foundation? you are living with your boyfriend, you said your problem, you have THREATENED everything, you must follow thru, consistency is the key, and if you want them to listen to you, you must show the example by listening to them, you also cannot threaten their visit with their dad, that is just ridicules,

Answer 10

They are doing this because they don't want your boyfriend there (they don't respect you because you did not involve them in the decision of having him there)................ they want your attention!!!!!!!!!!
You need to sit down with them and find out what's going on with themselves and let them know how you feel about your boyfriend. You need open communication with them at all times. Does your boyfriend spend any time with them..........
The next time you take 'items' away from them - put them in storage so they can't get to them while you're not there. Remember, children do NOT need electronic gadgets (TV's or computers).
Take away ALL of their privileges too until they learn you mean business.