My grandmother, who is paying for my sister's wedding,...?

Question

doesn't want my sister to invite our aunt (our grandmother's daughter) to the wedding. Our grandmother won't come to the wedding if our aunt is invited. They had a falling out a few years ago and haven't spoken since. Our father passed away fifteen years ago, and it would be meaningful to my sister to have my dad's entire family present at her wedding. All of our cousins, including our aunt's children, will be invited. We don't know how to handle this situation without hurting someone. Suggestions?

Answer 1

I'm not going to be popular...but no where does it say that if you pay for the wedding you get to make all the rules. Most "rules" for a wedding are set down by social etiquette. It would be very rude of your sister not to invite her aunt. Also it would appear that she is now taking sides in a matter that should involve only 2 people...the aunt and the grandmother. There is no reason that 2 adults who do not like each other can't be in the same room. Don't sit them together at the reception....but for goodness sake invite her, especially if her children have been invited.
The other thing to remember is that when planning a wedding you can't please everyone all the time. No matter what you do someone is going to find fault. Give them a big thing to fret over and they won't be so critical of the little things.

I know with my wedding my mother in law had a problem with one of my bridesmaids (some sort of family feud thing) and said she wouldn't attend if I didn't remove my friend from the wedding party. I told her that I was really sorry that she felt that way...and that she would be missed at the wedding especially since she had done so much to help organize it...but that her problem with my friend was between the two of them and I wasn't about to get pulled into the middle. She held out until the day before the wedding...but she did attend.

Good luck! Hope this helps with your decision.

Answer 2

Well, she's really put you in a bad situation where someone is going to be upset either way, so in this case YOUR SISTER makes the decision. If it were me, I'd go talk to my aunt and say, since Grandma is paying for the wedding, you know she's not going to send an invitation, but I want to personally invite you....but I'd tell her what Grandma has threatened to do.....and say you know I want you both there...you don't have to speak to each other...just to me. And I'd tell Grandma the same thing.....I think she's being silly and personally get the supsicion that she may have offered to pay for the wedding so she could have a say so on who comes and who doesn't.....it this keeps up, I'd also consider sacrificing some of what I want for a simple wedding that I pay for myself and invite who I want...but then again, Grandma still isn't going to come most likely so that won't do much good!

Answer 3

I agree 200% with Val and Cookie, and couldn't have put it any better than Val's saying your grandmother is emotionally blackmailing your sister.

It's nice that your grandmother is helping out your sister, but her money doesn't buy her control of the wedding, and I think it's wrong of her to force your sister to make a choice between her and her aunt. I've had plenty of my own family drama and it is very, very painful for all parties involved, especially when someone is caught in the middle. My mother did not get along with her sister-in-law and as a result, we had almost no relationship with her and my uncle and their children for most of my life even though they lived five minutes away from us. My aunt had never been anything but wonderful to us, but because my mother hated her, my siblings and I were caught in the middle.

I say your sister should invite your aunt and let both women know the other has been invited. She should tell them she's not taking sides and not un-inviting one or the other, and that she understand and accepts if they choose not to come, but she won't be put in the middle. If your grandmother gets angry and demands her money back, do what you can to help your sister out.

Answer 4

Be nice to your grandmother and tell her that it would mean alot to your sister if his side of the family were there. Tell her it would make her feel like her daddy is there and that she really needs the support from everyone. It is very hard for a bride to walk down the isle without her father. So the more the marrier. Tell her that you know she could be the bigger person for your sister. I will say a prayer for your sister. She really need the whole family behind her not just part. Get your family to talk with your grandmother and tell her that your dad is watching and he really would be happy if everyone could come and see his beatiful daughter happy on the most important day in her life. Good Luck !!

Answer 5

The grandmother is very controlling. Your sister deserves to invite whom she wishes to her wedding. Unfortunately, the only way she can do that is to tell the grandmother that the aunt is going to be invited no matter what so we will miss you grandmother, if you do not come. She risks having the grandmother say OK I wont pay! And then someone else will have to pay but it is the right thing to do( personally I think that the grandmother will come anyway but thats just my opinion)

Answer 6

I'm sorry to disagree with the other answers, but just b/c she is paying does not mean she sets the "rules". If she has played this card with you about not inviting the aunt, then she is emotionally blackmailing you. Plain and simple.

If you have not talked to her seriously about it and explained why the aunt is wanted there, then do that as calmly as you can.

Ultimately, if she is very stubborn and ugly about it, you may have to tell her,"I thought you were helping us with the wedding because you truly wanted to, not so you could "set the rules". See what she says. If she still won't cave, you may have to scale the wedding back to where grandma's help isn't needed.

It's all a matter of priorities. If having auntie there is more important, then that is the answer.

Good luck!

Answer 7

even though she's footing the bill, she does not make the rules. its not her wedding. your sister needs to invite whoever she wants at the wedding. if your grandmother wants to be childish and not show up, then she's the one who will regret it later on. sit grandma down and explain to her that its important for the entire family to be there. if they both end up going to the wedding, sit them at opposite ends of where you are doing the ceremony and the reception. good luck!

Answer 8

Is she is footing the bill, what she says, rules.

A wedding is not the appropriate moment to settle years long family quarrels and you don't want any bitter arguments or unconfortable situations that day.

If it means so much to your sister, then have the wedding where she can afford to pay it herself and invite the aunt, but don't expect grannie to come, so either way, you are going to miss someone in the family.

Good luck

Answer 9

When you allow someone else to pay for you, you're subject to their decisions as well. If she cannot manage without her grnadmother's financial help, she'll either have to disclude the aunt or try to talk the grandmother into allowing her. If she won't allow her, I would go to the aunt and apologize in person for her not being invited and explain the circumstances.

Answer 10

The grandma may be paying for it but it is YOUR SISTER'S WEDDING, not grandma's. If she cannot reason with grandma then she should say "thank you but no thank you" and look into paying for her own wedding. If she can't afford even a small, bare-bones wedding (or a trip to a justice of the peace) then she has no business getting married right now anyway.