I just went to a funeral yesterday. What is the etiquette concerning touching the body?

Question

He was a very close friend of mine and my husband's. My husband wanted to kiss him on the forehead. I told him it might not be a good idea, he might mess up the paint job (Not to mention it's creepy). What are your thoughts?

Answer 1

Hi. I worked in a funeral home for many year's and I must say I'm a bit shocked at how people can say their friend or family member's body is "creepy", they've passed on not become some sort of monster. There would have been absolutely nothing wrong with your husband kissing his friend's forehead and trust me he would not have messed up the cosmetic's. People need to be allowed to grief in whatever fashion they need to, however long they need to, without being made to feel ashamed or be humilated for doing so. It'd be a sad thought to think someone might lean over and whisper in a hush toned at your funeral that you shouldn't be kissed because it might mess up your "paint job" or it'd be to "creepy" now wouldn't it?

Answer 2

I don't think there is any type of etiquette on this, I think everyone handles death and grief in their own way. If your husband was a close friend of his and at the moment in front of the casket emotion lead him to kiss him on the forehead, I don't see anything wrong with it. It was his last opportunity to see his friend and express his love and respect for the many years and good times they shared.

Answer 3

When I got word that my maternal grandmother had died and the funeral home was on the way, but that they would wait for me to arrive, I drove as safe and as fast as I could (2hrs) no matter what. As I pulled in the driveway, they were escorting my grandmother to the vehicle and stopped in the driveway. It was there that I was given time to bid her farewell. All those years she stood in the driveway and waved good by, but this last time it would be me kissing her and waving goodbye. I've done the same for all my parishioners as they passed. The Old Testament tells us that it is not good to touch the dead, that we become unclean, but isn't that what Jesus did? Not once but on several occasions. To Jews and Gentiles alike.

Answer 4

I've only felt compelled to touch one dead body: my maternal grandmother's.

My grandmother, a wonderful, old-fashioned, Irish-Catholic lady, had a little ritual every time we left her house. She would trace crosses on our foreheads with the tip of her thumb or index finger.

This was a woman who had an incredible streak of both independence and stubbornness. She never learned to drive, but by God, if she wanted to go to Atlantic City for the day, or go to Boston to see me while I was in the hospital, she found a way to do it.

And she refused to take any grief from anyone. Until the day she died - literally - she groused about two people: a neighbor who took her to task for the noise my father made trying to break the lock on her storage locker (she had lost the key) and an ex-girlfriend of mine who wouldn't come to the phone to talk to her one time.

When she died, the neighbor in question had been dead for nearly 20 years, and I had broken up with said girlfriend five years prior. But damned if that was going to stop her from letting people know that she wanted to be treated with respect.

To see her lying in the casket was a shock. Literally a shock. Not because her death was unexpected - she was 91 - but because I was seeing visual proof that the life force she embodied, that carried her through the highs and lows and good and bad of her life - was gone. It was no more.

Before they closed the casket, I did two things. The first one, I had planned: I placed a plastic bag in the casket. The plastic bag contained two teabags and two Fudge Stripe cookies. She and I always had tea when I was at her house, and no matter what the cost, if she knew I was coming, she bought Fudge Strip cookies. They were, still are, a huge favorite of mine.

The second thing was more spontaneous: I sent her on her way the same way she had always sent us on our way: I reached up and traced a cross on her forehead.

The closest I ever came besides that was when my paternal grandfather died. He was a WWII veteran who would tell you, "Oh, I served in the European theater" and leave out minor details like the one about him storming the beach at Normandy. He died on Veterans Day.

As the casket was escorted out of the church ... I have no memory of actually doing this, but I am told I did ... I laid a hand on it and said, "Well done, soldier. At ease."

Answer 5

I think as long as you don't try to do something like reposition the arms, or change something about how the body is laid out, it is perfectly fine to touch the hand or give a kiss on the forehead (Not the lips! Unless you are the spouse) of the body of the departed person, because it is the symbol of your saying your final goodbye.

Answer 6

I used to work at a funeral home.. they don't use paint.. it's make-up.. but touching or kissing the deceased is not taboo per se, many do it, it's all in how you feel/felt about that person.

Answer 7

I think it's a bit odd, though not necessarily inappropriate since it was a close friend. I'm like you - I'd worry about the paint job.

Sorry about the loss of your friend.

Answer 8

i believe its more acceptable for women to kiss the deceased person at a funeral than it is for a man. it is best though to not touch the body., the person is dead, and like you said, it is kind of creepy.

Answer 9

Any one that I loved who has died I always gave them a kiss good bye.

Answer 10

In my opinion, the coffin should not even be open.

I think that the body should be sent directly to the grave or the crematorium. Symbols of the deceased are good enough - pictures - memorabilia -- and reminiscences by the attendees......

The dead body is just creepy.