If you had 2 children, ages 7 and 12, would you consider having a 3rd at age 35?

Question

Our children are from my 1st marriage, and my youngest never knew anyone but my husband as his Dad. We were not going to have any more children, since my deadline was 35, anyway. Well after really talking it over, we think we would like to have a child composed of "our" genes. So, I will be 35 in July, and have talked to my doctor, but I would really like the insights and opinions of some readers. Do you think it would be crazy? By the way, my 7 year old son would be fine with it, but I have a feeling my 12 year old would be mad or embarrassed. Thanks everyone!

I'm sorry I left some confusion- my 12 year old is a girl, if that changes anyone's thoughts.

Answer 1

YES...AND WE DID! At the time, We had two children as well and my wife was 35. My son was 9 and my daughter was 12. So, now we have three: boy 3, boy 11, girl 15. It has worked out better than we expected! We now have four care givers and everyone takes their turn (great baby sitters!). It works out great! The kids love their baby brother and we cannot imagine life without him! DO IT!!! Who cares what anyone else thinks...it's your life!

Answer 2

I'm telling you from my perspective. I have 5 children, and the first 3 were 18 mos. apart in age, then I took a 3 year break and then had the last one after 4 years. The oldest is the only girl. She was 11 1/2 when I had my last one, and she was fine with it. Of course, that's just about all she knew for all of her growing up years. She's still a great sister at 25 and her youngest brother is now 13 1/2. She'll pick him up and take him out, or they go skiing together and lots of things. If you treat a new pregnancy as something exciting and something to look forward too, then she will too. If you act like your anxious about how she will react, then she'll do exactly what you think she will. On top of that, my husband and I always make sure the kids know that we are the parents, and that we decide what we are doing. Of course we give in to some of their wants, but not all, not by a long shot. They don't get a vote on what we want. That may sound selfish or maybe a bit disconcerting, but did your parents ask you about anything before they went ahead and did it? My didn't. Good luck, and I hope you have your baby if you want one.

Answer 3

First, the decision to expand your family belongs to you and your husband, not to the 12 year old. Second, if you really want to have another child and you are both financially and emotionally capable of supporting a third child then I don't see a problem. My best friend has two younger sisters, the first one is 10 years younger and the second one is 26 years younger. She has never been embarrassed by the birth of either one of them. She has 4 kids herself-Ages 12, 10, 5, and 2. The older two were never embarrassed by the birth of the younger ones and are actually pretty active in helping out with the other two, especially the baby. If you decide to get pregnant and your 12 year old has some concerns or issues, you can talk through those as a family but don't let your 12 year olds feelings be the deciding factor, that's just handing over way to much control to a child.

Answer 4

I have quite an age spread between my children as well. I had a daughter and step-son from former marriages and then had a surprise gift 10 years later. We were concerned about the older children's feelings but they adjusted fine. We then had one more baby 3 1/2 years later, when I was nearly 36. Fortunately, all are healthy and happy today, and I even have two super grandchildren!

Since you've talked with your doctor, you should be aware of the increased risks of pregnancy when you're over 35. I was naively surprised when my doctor referred me to genetic counseling and they encouraged me to have amniocentesis. I debated a long time about that but finally came to terms with it and decided not to have the test. This was a number of years ago so you'll need to decide that after your own soul and informational search. Personally, I couldn't appreciate how I was that much higher a risk when my other pregnancies were uncomplicated and my babies were born healthy, just because of a few years. I guess the key here is to find a doctor you feel comfortable with and really trust.

I did develop mild gestational diabetes and was monitored quite closely in the final weeks for some elevated blood pressures. Everything ended up fine and I had a beautiful baby boy that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Please consider that this baby will impact your home life for at least another 18-20 years, maybe longer. That will put you nearer grandparent-age than parent-age, and likely you'll be both, as I am. I think it's a wonderful thing to have a baby to bond your new marriage as long as you are both absolutely positive about it. As for your daughter, I suggest you have a conversation with her about your plans and let her know that she is still important in your life. Then try not to let the baby disrupt the normal routine too much after it's here. I think she will end up loving him or her as much as anyone, even if she is a little unsure of her own feelings at first. There is always family counseling if you really feel you need it.

It's your life and you have every right to make decisions about how you wish to live it. A new baby is such a wonderful gift when it's born into a loving home.

FWIW, I've known many women that have had healthy babies when they were in their 40's. I don't think it would be my choice but if I hadn't had my children earlier, and my situation was different, who knows?

I wish you all the best whatever your decision is.

Answer 5

I think you should if you want to. Just work closely with your doctor as risks are higher as we age.
I wondered about a similar situation also. I am 27 right now. I have a son who is 10 and a son who is 1. As it is there is a huge age gap. I really ant to have another baby (I really want that girl) but I want to get my teaching career off first so I would wait for about 3 years. I would be 31 (husband 29) by the time the baby was born. I wouldn't consider it too old but then my kids would have huge age gap. When the baby was 1 I'd have a 1 yr old, a 5 yr old, and a 13 yr old. WOW!
But still, if it feels right at the time I say do it.
Maybe talk to your 12 yr old he/she may be excited. And they both would be a lot of help, trust me!!!

Answer 6

I think it is a good idea. I knew a lady that got married at 35 and thought she was too old. Now, over 10 years later she realizes that it would have been fine and NOW she is too old. My daughter is 7 and I am having my second in about 8 weeks. The 12 year old would get used to it. I think it is a great idea. but then I like my kids with a age difference, that way I can focus on each of their individual needs before they go to school and seperate from me

Answer 7

I don't see any problems if it is what you and your husband both want! There is nothing wrong with having a baby at 35, especially if the doctor gives you a green light. And as far as the other kids go, I was born when my mom was 35 and my brother and sister were 16 and 12, and it turned out to be really fun growing up. You already know what it is like to raise kids so you know what you are getting in to - so I would say just go with what you and your husband truly want to do. Good luck!

Answer 8

I would say go for it!! Just remember (no offense) that your not a spring chicken anymore and pregnancy and babies are very hard work!!
And I know that you care about what your other children think but still, that is a choice that should be made by your husband and you and if that's whats in your hearts I say more power to ya!
I am 25 years old 38 weeks pregnant with our second child and sometimes I wonder how people do it! I'm still relatively young, but some days I don't feel it!

Good luck to you and your family! : )

Answer 9

My sister is 34 she has a 4 year old son and a 10 year old son. As of August 19 we will have a new addition in our little family. Yes it may be hard on the kids at first, but they do adjust and fall in love with the child. HOWEVER you have to be able to accept the jealousy of the older children as they are the center of your attention now. Good Luck

Answer 10

I say go for it. As long as you are educated from your doctor and keep communication lines open between your family and the doctor I see no problems.

As for the 12 year old, is he/she a selfish person? I see NO reason for him/her to be mad or embarassed about this. There is nothing more grand then bringing another child into the world and watching the love bloom.

The only thing I HATE about parents who choose to have their kids far apart is the try to put some of the parental responsiblity on the older child. (i.e. will you change the baby, watch the baby, etc)