what do we do about my step daughters mother?

Question

shes disgusting! she doesnt cook, clean, not even take care of herself, nevermind her child. i know a lot of you are already thinking "its not your kid,dont worry about it" but when its me this child depends on as a mother figure, and not her mom, it is my problem. she does not cook, every night she has my s.d. she takes her out to eat, and its crap, either jack and the box, or dennys for french toast. she DOES NOT clean, her house is so disgusting, my husband and i had to clean it, and when it was to gross for us, we had to pay someone to professionally clean it. she doesnt care how my s.d does in school, she could do completely horrible all the days she with her, and still, take her out for dinner and the movies, and then complain to us she has no money to do the important things...like take her to the dentist, which was $2000 dollars, and i told my husband, we are not paying her a cent for it because a)she has the money from a trust fund and b)she didnt get the cavaties with us

my husband sees no problem with any of this, he says, "what happens at her moms is not our problem" which, i would agree if her mom had any sense in her head, but clearly she doesnt? i really dont know if i can deal with her for another 10...what do i do?

thanks so much everyone...i just needed to know that i wasnt the problem!! we are working out a custody situation so that she just has her on the weekends.

Answer 1

Why are you cleaning her house? Report her, know that she will find out who reported her but who cares since you are looking out for the child. Right? Would you and your husband like custody of her? If so you have to prove she's an unfit mother and seek legal action. You can't tell her to change her lifestyle, it's her life. And if her lifestyle is a danger to this child then it's your obligation to report it.

Answer 2

Your husband needs his brain checked!!!! This is his child and he should be more concerned that ever - demanding full physical custody of the child and only supervised visitation for the mom. What's wrong with your husband? What kind of father can he possibly be so subject his daughter to such neglectful conditions and feel that it's okay!???!!!! I would have to immediately call child protective services and file a complaint and let them investigate this situation. And make sure the next time she is will you you take her to the doctor's for a check up in case she is suffering from malnutrition or any of the other childhood illnesses kids can get from not being properly cared for. And make sure all her shots are up to date, etc. Good luck to you and God Bless you for caring for this child, I hope she knows how you feel and care for her.

Answer 3

I wish I could give off the slighest help to you. My boyfriends mother reminds me of this "mom" but his is at least clean. I cant stand the woman she was never there for him and when she did come around she tried and buys his love. So reading this about that "mom" made me grit my teeth in thoughts of my boyfriends "wanna be mom" All I can say is at least you S.D does have an approriate mother figure and you should be proud of that so that all that can be said.

Hope all goes well.

Answer 4

Well, I was right there with you until I got to the part where you told hubby that you’re not paying a cent toward the dental bill because “she didnt get the cavities with us”. So you'd allow her to suffer because you're angry at Mom? Yes, it certainly sounds like you’ve put the child’s best interest first.

HUBBY (NOT YOU) can certainly petition for a change of custody, but even if it’s granted (and expect it to be a hard battle), you will still be dealing with the ex, because she’s still the child’s mother and she does have rights (and, actually *you* have NO legal rights toward the child and will not even if Dad is granted custody).

Answer 5

Lord honey sounds like my SD's mom except we also have a weight issue with my SD now due to her eating habits {6yrs old and 80 pounds}. When the child is here with us her hygine is just nasty as are her underpants because mom never taught her how to wash properly. The house smells like you wouldnt believe but we do not go into the home the front porch is as far as we will go. Her teeth are also a mess mostly from junk food and not brushing her 2 front perminate teeth are coming in just as nasty as all her baby teeth look. We did attempt to get custody of my SD and after 35000 dollars worth of legal battles because the child was not being physically harmed there was nothing the court felt they should do. She has been reported to Social Services for leaving my sd at home alone at night as young as 5 and my sd confessed to me that the only time she is scared to stay alone is when its dark outside. The mothers bf spanks the child with a belt but the court felt it was "corrective displine" I could keep going on and on. She's not my child I care about her and she is being emotionally and mentally harmed living where she does and when she grows up she'll repeat the pattern with her children Im sure of it. When I mention it to my husband even though he doesnt like the mother and they do not get along {thats a story in itself} he gets defensive about it because he feels I am "picking on" his daughter which I am not. All I know is I am in your position and I wish you better luck then Im having. And as a result of what goes on in her home or what my husband suspects goes on in her home he allows her to get away with murder while she's with us which causes more fights and makes me uncomfortable in my own home.

Answer 6

There's not much you can do about it if her father won't do anything. They are her parents and if he doesn't side with you, you don't have a leg to stand on. In the meantime, you can try to make him understand how important it is that she get a good education and good nutrition. If you can make him understand that, and if he cares, maybe you all could file for custody, because you can't change the mother.

Answer 7

U HAVE THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD AT
HEART AND THAT IS A GOOD THING BUT AT THE
SAME TIME IF HER OWN FATHER DOES NOT
SEEM TO HAVE AS MUCH INTEREST THEN U
THEN EVEN THOUGH U DO NOT WANT TO U
WOULD PROBABLY BE BETTER OFF BACKING
OFF, AND WHEN SHE IS IN UR CARE THEN U
CARE FOR HER THE WAY U CHOOSE,,,,, I KNOW
IT IS HARD BUT U WILL LEARN TO ADJUST AND
U DO NOT WANT UR MARRIAGE IN JEOPARDY.....

Answer 8

I'd report her! But what shocks me is that your husband does not seem too worried about your step daughter either. Sad for that innocent child to have to grow up without dependable parents

Answer 9

I would too take care of the child I am a step mom too, and know the difficulties. I hate the answers YOU have no rights..that is crazy I take MY step kid to DR's and things ALL the time~ It is rude to be so insensitive~ When you married him you married the sowing what has reaped from the chaos~ I wish YOU the STEPMOM all the best in the world you do what YOU can and the rest we can all pray~ GOD BLESS U, you HAVE THE RIGHT!

Answer 10

Call child protective Services and have them just look in her house...that should be enough...