Maid of Honor uninterested??

Question

I asked my sister to be my maid of honor, it is important to me because she is my sister and we have been close our whole lives. Recently she started dating a new man and has moved in with him, she has gotten more distant, not answering her phone, returning e-mails, or phone calls.
We have over a year to plan the wedding so her involvement, or lack there of, hasnt been an issue as of yet. However, I told her 'please look over the MOH duties and if you don't want to, or don't feel comfortable doing any of that, than please just tell me" She hasnt brought it up (this was a week ago)
My best friend will be on of my bridesmaids, she has been the BEST since my engagement, so interested in colors, flowers, wedding songs, etc. It is so wonderful to have someone so interested and helpful.
I want my sister as MOH, but if my best friend is doing all the MOH stuff....should I have her as MOH and sister as bridemaid?
I forsee this becoming very difficult with her so unresponsive.

she has always been pretty quiet, but this is such an exciting time I thought she would be thrilled to have a big part in it.
I know my best friend and I will be friends forever, but god forbid anything happens with that-my sister is family and will always be, and I really wanted to share this day with her.
She is not rude about it, just not excited or show much interest in any decision making, im rather hurt in all honesty because I know if the situation was reversed I would do all that I could for her.

I appreciate everyones concern for my sisters relationship-but he really is a great guy, she is more reserved and he is outgoing and personable and is a pleasure to be around. So I do not think she is being abused in any way, im not sure what the deal is. Perhaps jealousy but, I would hope she would just be happy for me. She is older (26) and I am 23, I have always been the 'older' sister, expereincing things and sort of laying out the road for her instead of vice versa.
I guess I will ask her straight out how she feels, and will continue to welcome my bridesmaid assistance

Answer 1

I'd stick with what you're doing unless your sister says she doesn't want to do it. If your friend wants to do the various things you describe, let her do it and enjoy doing it with her.
A wedding is important, but not nearly as important as it seems right now. It's the marriage that matters. There's only so much mileage that you can get reflecting on your wedding day. In the end, what I think will matter most about that day is the way everybody felt. Be happy, enjoy the process, don't put too much pressure on making everything perfect. Your sister is who she is , or at least who she is right now, and there's no point in forcing the issue. The fact that you're right doesn't matter so much in a situation like this. As long as she shows up for the ceremony and the events leading up to it, I'd leave it alone.

Answer 2

You can have more than on MOH. If your friend is more interested in the wedding details and so forth have her do more of the responsibility. Your sister can be your MOH at the wedding. Have you thought that maybe she is jealous and she is scared to say something. Maybe you should plan a day for you and your sister and just remind her that you really want her to be your MOH, but if it is too much for her that you still want her to be a part of the wedding, but maybe in a different capacity.

Since you have a little bit of time before the wedding, maybe she is still getting used to living with this guy. I know that this is your wedding and you have things you have to do, you as the bride have to remember to make sure that your bridal party is comfortable too.

Answer 3

For your wedding if you feel that your sister is uninterested in being the MOH then you have every right to ask your be friend to be it. After all it is your day and you don't want anything to ruin it!

But i do have to tell you that i feel concern for your sister though. How well do you know this new guy? From what you say those are the signs that she has hooked up with a jealous, possesive control freak. It sounds like he may not want her to have anything to do with the family and is not letting her do those things out of fear of what she may say. That is one of the things that a extremely abusive person will do, to isolate the other person. Some one needs to find out what is going on and if need be get her out of that.

Answer 4

Some people are really really into wedding stuff and some could care less... infact think we (the bride) are over doing it and talking about it too much. My sister is like your sister... same with the phone calls too.... I just tell her what to do and when to do it and even that's a fight. I ask my sister what the heck her problem was and she comment I am way to into this and it's not a big deal... all wedding are the same anyway...
Yeah, my sister has never been or planned a wedding so she doesn't understand all the little details that go into it. While another bridesmaids is pyshco and too much into wedding and is driving me nuts with her planning and what she read on the knot. It's your sister, your stuck with her... just let the bridesmaids help you, she sounds like she enjoys it and let your sister "sign" the licenses which is her only real duty.
Good luck!

Answer 5

the same exact thing happened to my friend. most of her prep time was worring about what her sister was gonna do or not do. she wasnt able to enjoy that special time.
having been married only 3 months ago i realize that its a time in your life that you'll never get back. you want to have people around you that have been supporting you and will continue to be there for you in your life.
i would say that if you talk to your sis and let her know how you feel and she still hasnt changed her position, then i would put her as a bridesmaid and your bf as the MOH.

Answer 6

I went through the exact same thing. I asked my sister to be the MOH and I should have know it was going to go badly when she said, "Fine. But I don't have time for wedding crap. Just put me in a dress, slap some flowers in my hand and send me down the aisle." At first, I thought it was funny and that was just her being cute.

Turns out, it wasn't so cute that she was a giant pain in the backside. She didn't want anyone talking about the wedding because it annoyed her, she begrudgingly gave me a few hours to go dress shopping one day (BM dresses) and that was the extent of her contribution to the positive side of planning.

She complained incessantly about how stupid weddings are, how stupid my fiance was, how she was too busy and could care less about the wedding. She could not muster up one ounce of enthusiasm, and my parents totally let her get away with it. My mom said, "Well that's just how she is about weddings." It got so bad that I stopped talking about the wedding with my family and whenever anything wedding related came up around my sister, I physically cringed.

It's also important to know what she was 25 and in an MBA program at the time, so it's not like she was some 18 year old kid without a clue. And she had a long term boyfriend, so she wasn't single and jealous.

Finally, at Thanksgiving (we were getting married in the spring), I asked her if she really wanted to be in the wedding, she said, "No, I don't want to be in your stupid wedding." So I took her at face value and let her drop out, then proceeded NOT to cave into pressure from every single family member (including my aunt who told me it was disgraceful my sister was not in my wedding, and my mother who told me my wedding day would not be complete without my sister standing up). It was very hard - I was villified for not allowing her to be MOH, but I had come to the decision that I just wasn't going to allow anyone to make me miserable about my wedding, especially a family member.

My two best friends stood up as maid and matron of honor and I wouldn't have changed a thing. They were absolutely fabulous and it meant SO much to me to have them standing up there because I wanted them there, and they wanted to be there. I think if I had caved in and had my sister, I would have regretted it.

Good luck - I know this is really hard on you.

Answer 7

Well, all you can do is talk with her seriously about it. And it's not uncommon for a friend to be more interested in "stuff" than a sister, so don't really trash her about that.
My maid of honour lived very far away, so she wasn't able to do anything to help with the wedding, nor did any of my bridesmaids, actually. That's just the way it is sometimes, doesn't mean things won't work out well.

Answer 8

I am wondering if there is some sort of jealousy going on with her.(yes it can happen but it usually passes within a few months) Or is there something going on with the boyfriend that he is keeping her away from you. I feel that if your best friend is doing all the work she is being the maid of honor, but give your sister a couple of weeks to step up.

Answer 9

This is your day and you should have people standing up there with you who actually want to do it. I think that yo should make your best friend your MOH, that way you can truly enjoy your day. Sounds like your sis will just bring you down.

Answer 10

For my wedding, my (married) sister was my matron of honor and my best friend was my maid of honor. My husband also had two best men. I've seen plenty of weddings where the bride had two maids of honor because she couldn't or didn't want to choose between to equally close friends, sisters, etc. I'd say, just ask them both!