Here's my dilemma?

Question

I allowed one of my friends to stay with me for what I thought was going to be for a month until she got back on her feet, got a job, an apartment etc..and the main reason I allowed her to stay was because I have the space to accomodate her, and she has a 2 year old..it's been 4 months now, and now she's 2 months pregnant. My thing is, I've helped her with her resume, and she's been on countless interviews, however she claims the reason she didn't get the job was because she's black (why people constantly pull this race card is beyond me, and I think it's crap) but anyhoo, I told her I'd try my best to help her find a job, and I think helping her with her resume and taking her to her interviews is helping enough. She's been living rent free and now I'm getting sick of it because she's not making an effort. Last week I told her that she's gonna have to find somewhere else to stay and she accused me of being a bad friend. Was I wrong for doing this? Last time I checked it was my house..

She told me I'm a horrible friend for kicking her & the baby out in their time of need. Personally I'm feeling a bit used, she took my kindness for a weakness and I allowed her to run with it. What should I do? She's not making any effort to better herself, she's gotten pregnant again by another guy who doesn't even work nor acknowledge the fact that the child she's carrying "may be" his. I don't want the baby out on the street though, but I really want my house back. She doesn't have any family around that will take her in.. should I take her to a shelter?

Answer 1

No, you are not wrong at all, your friend needs a reality check, and you should definitely give her the boot.

Answer 2

You have been a very good friend. I'll bet you were even baby sitting while she was out running around with the guy who 'may be' the father of the next child.
Give her a time frame. Tell her that on a certain day, your hospitality ends and you will gladly take her to whatever other accommodation she has arranged, or if nothing is forthcoming, to a shelter where she will be cared for and helped. If you don't take a stand fairly soon, you're going to end up having her on your hands permanently. And that is not a good thing, either for her or for you.
If she doesn't have family nearby, that's unfortunate. But there are government welfare programs and social assistance programs to help those who find themselves in a similar situation.
Full marks to you, and don't let anyone lay a guilt trip on you!

Answer 3

It doesn't matter if she was blue, purple, yellow, green, red, etc., she could get a job. I hate people that pull that race card crap. Bottomline, she sounds irresponsible and it shouldn't involve you. You are entitled to your own privacy. I think you hit it right on the nail when you said she is taking your kindness as a weakness. Just know, you don't owe her anything. By the way, why is she getting pregnant again if she already has one that she can't take care of. Sad she can't even afford any protection for herself to get pregnant again. Her a** needs to go to a shelter or something and stop putting a burden on you. You're not a a bad friend, she just makes bad choices and that is why she is living the way she is now. If you were such a bad friend, you wouldn't of helped her or welcomed her in your home in the first place. Honestly, she sounds like a charity case, makes bad choices, dead-beat kids father and she's just trying to lay her problems out on you. Kick her out to get your privacy back!! Good Luck!! Oh and revaluate the friendship.....

Answer 4

You definately have more patience then me :) I think you handled it pretty darn well! I would sit down with her and explain that as much as you care about her as a friend, you want to see her be independent and standing on her own two feet. Give her a deadline to get her things together, and input some tough love. It's a very opportunist thing she's done, taking advantage of your hospitality, don't let her walk all over you for the excuses she makes. She needs to learn to take care of herself and what needs to be done in life, rather than relying on others.
Is there a daycare that she could maybe afford? Or maybe you could watch the kid when needed, or relatives? Adding kids to the equation gets really tricky, but don't feel as if you need to be responsible for her own doings. Suggest a job where she can sit down, being a receptionist or whatnot, and urge her to find a place that has a daycare for those working who have kids. Again, tough love really may be the only thing that'll help her grow out of this stage.

Answer 5

Yes, I agree, your friend is pulling the guilt card, but most likely out of fear.

However, you did offer your friend a place to stay until she got back on her feet - and you 'assumed' this would be for only one month. Did you discuss your limits/boundaries with her at the beginning? Or did you just suddenly spring it on her?

You say she's been on countless interviews - does that not constitute proactiveness on her part? True friends should be treated like family but you are relating to her with suspicion and contempt. If you feel she isn't pulling her weight then discuss that with her in an honest and forthright manner instead of threatening to kick her out. Another words, treat her like a friend and an adult, not a rebelious child.

Good Luck.

Answer 6

1. Maybe you can get her to do some stuff around the house. This should count as something helpful that might make up for rent.
2. If you have a friend that has extra room, maybe you can work out a schedule in which she goes back & forth from the friend's house to yours.
3. Tell her to get a job at somewhere that is easy to get a job at, so at least she is making a little bit of money. Also, she could babysit or something to earn even more money.
4. Don't let her waste money on expensive clothing.
5. Don't give up on her; she's your friend.

Answer 7

Honestly, I wouldn't be referring to that person as a friend. She sounds lazy, irresponsible, selfish, and immature. You've put up with her for much longer than most of us would have and you shouldn't allow her to keep using you. Set a date that she has to be out by and stick to it. She'll probably try to get you to allow her to stay by not looking for a new home and whining that she has nowhere to go, so I would also look into nearby shelters that you can take her to if she's made no arrangements by the move-out date. My guess is that once she realizes that you mean business and you aren't going to let her stay with you, she'll find herself someone else to mooch off of pretty quickly.

Good luck!

Answer 8

You have went above and beyond the call of "friendship" She is pregnant again? Where is the father?You have done more than enough while she " played" rent free. With friends like this I think I would rather give an enemy a room for a couple mo. At least they would want to "get out of Dodge"

Answer 9

Telling a friend that they're going to need to move out is a VERY hard thing to do I'll give you that. And I understand what you do was because it was driving you crazy that your personal space was being sucked away from you, but truthfully, i think you could have taken different actions to make your friend and you feel a lot better about the situation. I think you first needed to have expressed your feelings to her. Im not saying dropping hints like "oh sometimes i wish i could have the entire house to myself" because in your friends case, it may have been too subtle for her to catch your initiative. I think you should have really sat her down and told her that you said you'd let her stay until she gets back on her feet, but you feel that she is not trying. Or if she is, then she's not trying hard enough. It would have been good for your friend to have a well defined warning and for her to know your true feelings. Trust me, its better than wondering 'does she really understand that I need my space back?' After speaking with her, I think your next move should be to see if she changes. If she doesnt, then warnings need to have been put out there. And finally, if the time comes, yes you should 'kick' her out. But here is where I really disagree with your course of action. Ever heard of 2 weeks notice?? General etiquette for quitting employees is to give their employers two weeks notice. You, on the other hand gave your pregnant friend one week. Im not saying that you should extend the time to two or three, but i think that you definitly should help her to find a place of her own. You were a good friend for taking her in already, but you just got tired of sharing what you've worked so hard to get im sure. if you dont help her find a place before she moves out, then technically, youre kicking her out to the streets to be homeless. now a friend wouldn't do that. so just make sure shes got somewhere safe to go. If I sounded mean, I didn't mean to be, I'm just expressing my opinion to you because i'm sure thats why you posted this question. good luck.

Answer 10

I'd say she's the bad "friend". She is using you and she's playing the race card plus the poor helpless unwed mother card, which is just wrong. By all means explore public assistance options for her-after all you have to sleep with yourself-but get her out of there and don't let her keep using you. You have already done way more than most would have.

Answer 11

No........you are not wrong. She is really using you. Even, she is living in your house with a baby, but she didnt care to get pregnant again.
If you dont stop that, in a while that will be HER house instead of yours.
You made for her as much as you could, and she is not appreciating it.
She is now, trying to manipulate you to stay in your house.
Ask her firmly to leave, before she has the other baby. Even, no one will take a pregnant woman for any job.
Ask her to leave fast..........before your house becomes hers.
Even.........she must go with the baby's father..
Kick her out...she is an abuser and dont care about you. She is living comfortablely thx to you now. has a roof..........food............and dont need to work..
She is not your friend.!!!!!!!