English male / Chinese female relationships; advice requested.?

Question

Hello,

I am a British student in a first year of a mathematics degree, and have met a Chinese student whom I like very much. She is from the Sichuan province, she is also studying mathematics and her English is good but not perfect.

She knows that I like her a lot, at the moment I would say my feelings are stronger than a fleeting attraction but not love. We have been out to restuarants a couple of times, and I often spend afternoons at her house. I have done some research into Chinese culture and asked her certain questions, and I appreciate that in China friendship comes before romantic involvement. I think this is a good thing, and I like her modesty in her dress and the way she speaks. She says that she doesn't really know what to make of me yet, so at the moment I don't know where things are going.

I am patient and understanding so I have no problems with time, but if anyone could offer advice as to "do's and don'ts" as I try to win her heart, I would be very grateful.

Thanks for the advice, some of it I was familiar with, some of it is new to me.

We aren't 'going out' yet, although I hope that's where we are headed. Slightly embarrasingly, I have never had a girlfriend before, we spoke about this and she knows it and I know she has had a boyfriend in China which lasted a year or so. She said she didn't know if she loved him or not. I do know that her father didn't like him, and she wouldn't tell my why they split up and I wasn't going to pressure her but perhaps they are linked.

Regarding her parents it will probably be a long time till I ever meet them, but I know they must be fairly wealthy because they have two children [and the heavy fines put on parents who have a second child] and that she can afford the enormous fees of studying abroad.

As for sex, well at the moment it doesn't bother me much if we ever get that far or not and I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I'm going to leave the question open a little longer...

Answer 1

this is one of the best questions I have seen in China section so far, well, I have been living in China for about 10yrs now and have seen a lot of White male/Chinese female relationships and a few of the White female/Chinese male. In most case they seem to work out well, in some cases it does not. The issues that you will face in marriage to begin with if you marry someone of the same color and country is often difficult, just look at the divorce rates of the "developing" countries, in fact marriage is at it's lowest in your country, right? Anyway, I think you are approaching this right, slow, ask a lot of questions, READ as much as you can about China and it's culture. One thing that you should also remember is that if this lead s to marriage her parents will either move in with you or want to move in this is very common in China, when a couple gets married and soon after has a baby the in law move into the same apartment/house. There are lots of other things to share but I don't want to take up too much space, you can email me if you like
"first marriages between husbands and wives of the same race/ethnicity, the "disruption" (divorce or separation) rates at 10 years are Asians 20%, non-Hispanic whites 32%, Hispanics 34%, and blacks 47%"

I could not find anything but dating services as far as interracial dating

Answer 2

Don't worry about to live with the family too much, if this girl can afford to study abroad, their family must be rich in China. Parents live in city don't want to live with their children's family. But Chinese children do have more responsibility to their parents.

Things you should do:
Told her where you are. Couples from different culture usually have this confusion. A Chinese girl want a stable relationship which lead to a marriage, they don't want just a date. If you do want to be with this girl, you should consider if you are serious about this. And tell her that.

Be super friendly to her parents. Chinese parents are much more influential on their children's relationship than you can imagine. I'm not saying that she will be forced to marry a ugly old rich man. But if the parents hate you, you'll had a terrible time, usually she have to break out with you.

Be patient. The good thing about Chinese girl is they are more like a perfect housewife, clean your house, cook you dinner, wash your clothes, respect you in front of all your friend, always listen to your opinion on everything. The bad thing is they are not so "independent" like western girls. So be patient when she tell you all her problem, ask your help a lot, and want you decide everything. (Maybe you'll feel good in the beginning, but after a while it's kind of annoying. Be prepared for that.)

Things You Shouldn't Do:
Talk about your ex-girlfriends. Don't talk about your ex-girls too much. I mean don't keep it as some secrets or avoid this topic, just don't start a conversation about this. Don't ask me why, I don't know why they hate that.

Hurt her "face". The "face" thing is important, don't let her feel humiliated. Always respect her, at least when you are with some others.

Answer 3

Suchuan is said to have China's most beautiful girls. But from what I remember the most when I went there is : their food is really spicy (^_^).

So now back to the subject. Sorry I'm not English but French with a Chinese girlfriend. Relationship with a chinese woman is difficult in the sence that they can be reluctant to start something with a foreigner because of the eye of the others. It is specially true in China. But as I guess you are in England this doesn't really matter. And also as she is studying abroad proves that she is open minded. Not all Chinese are like that.

In China relationship between Chinese young people are often platonic : hold hands, kiss, hug but it will not go any further because girls prefer to save sex for after they get married as usually a man would prefer to marry a virgin. So a non virgin woman will have more difficulties to get married. So don't rush thing because if she says no it will be no.

Also Chinese people don't really like being humiliated in public as they will lose face and face for them is very important. Girls are really keen on stuffed animal : the biger the better.

Answer 4

It seems that you are on the right track!!!! There isn't any do's and don'ts at this moment I can tell you, because, you two still are just "school-mates" - friends!

I have more than 10 cousines in China who are married and do not live with parents or in-laws, they are just middle class or average. In your case, it is too early to think of marriage!

What I would suggest is you may need to put some effort on learning Chinese Language (that would please her a lot if you are interested in this difficult language) and try to collect more information about Chinese culture, history, pop music or food! When I studied aboard in Japan, what I missed most was Chinese food, your friend may also has this feeling too, Szechuan food is very spicy, I guess it is not easy to find authentic Szechuan restaurant in England, however, may she can cook then you need to train up your digestive system for the spicy spicy dishes... hahaha!

Chinese women usually are smart and they prefer to develop long term relationship, slow but fruitful. Take your time and let her know what kind of a guy you are. Chemistry is very important too. That's something which you can't create it by yourself, I wish you good luck.

P.S. to the fifth answerer.. I can't type your name here.. it's foul..

Not all Chinese girls are what you described, demand for helps, bugging you to listen to their problems, I personally am a very independent one and I have my way to deal with things. Usually, my ex-bfs asked me for advices! (Well that might be the reason of why they turned to be ex!)

Answer 5

To put it simplily, see through the color of your skins and search the hearts instead. The skin implies differences in culture and traditions but IF love develops between you, it conqueurs all.
Search your own heart to determind if she is what you desire and be prepared for the challenges ahead in bridging the cultural gap if you decide to proceed with the courtship.
If her family is willing to send her overseas for school, I believe they are mentally prepared for your scenerio. Just don't push and let things develop. Good luck.

Answer 6

i'm a caucasian man who married a chinese woman. i think the match was made in heaven. we compliment each other perfectly. she is honest, loving, loyal, and completely committed to me as i think most chinese women are. i think that you will be extremely pleased as i am. we will be married 2 years in september. i hope that you discover all the wonderful things that i have found in your chinese girlfriend. consider yourself a lucky man.

Answer 7

Caucasian male / Oriental female relationships are usually good ones...