My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past and its ruining our relationship...what do I do?

Question

I am 25 and he is 26. We are planning to marry in the furture. He has had many more partners than me. But at the beginning of our relationship I gave some TMI that was relevent to the convo about sex but it made him uncomfortable and I apologized. The TMI spawned a huge snowball affect and resulted in me weathering many storms of 20 questions about my sexual history. I have asked some questions about his past but I honestly don't care to play this game of who knows more and who has more amo for negative attacks about sex. His past is his past and I don't really care to know about it unless it has the potential of jeopardizing my life, which it doesn't. He says he wants us to go to relationship counseling but I think the therapist will only want to speak with him. I am completely in love with him and every other aspect of our relationship is pure bliss. He has a problem and can't seem to stop thinking about me with another man, even if that man is in the past. What do I do?

Answer 1

He needs to understand that the past needs to stay in the past. That doesn't mean that there will be repeats. It's also to his advantage that you have experience. He needs to let it go or you need to let him go.

Answer 2

The best bet is BE HONEST lay it all out if you have not already.

If it is the past then it is the past, I mean if it was BEFORE you two started dating why should it matter now to the relationship each of you have together? If there was cheating going on DURING your relationship well then that is another issue.

I think it is VERY important for people who are dating to MUTUALLY discuss and BE HONEST about each other's sexual past even if stuff may have been "wild" or what have you... I mean we all grow up and go thru things in ways... and we come to where we come to. It's probably NOT the first thing you speak about on the first date but it would be something you would speak about before you TWO got into any "sexual relations", you know what I mean...

If you wish to EXPERIENCE HIGHER LOVE together then honesty about EVERYTHING is essential. If you are just dating him for a "fling thing" then make sure you tell him that. There are all different types of DATING relations, I think OPENESS and HONESTY are essential in any type of such dating relation. To not be honest is harming both sides in more ways than we can discuss here... simply put, by not being OPEN ~ each of you would be denying a better road to happiness and who wants to live a life like that.

Answer 3

Unfortunately there may not be much you can do. Chances are he's insecure about your past experiences. He probably worries about how he stacks up against your previous lovers and/or feels that somehow you having done certain things with others makes him less special. I'm guessing you've reassured him more than once that you are with him now and he is special to you. Has he ever told you anything about his past? It's possible that you don't feel the need to ask him questions since you know how frustrating his "obsession" regarding yours is, but maybe if you ask him about his he'll understand that there are some things better left in the past?? I'm sure he doesn't mean to obsess. Maybe it will help for him to ask his friends what they know about their current lovers' past relationships. Maybe his friends can help him understand that what happened before him is really none of his business and wanting to know more about it only makes it worse. Unfortunately, if he can't come to terms with the fact that you have had sex before, you may need to break up with him. I know that's not what you want to hear (read), but unless he's able to change his own way of thinking, the situation won't improve. This type of situation is not healthy for either of you. If you do break up (whether it's "just a break" or a permanent thing), it'll be less stressful in the long-run and you guys should both grow from this learning experience. Keep in mind that there are plenty of mature people out there who will understand that what happened with other people before you met is really not anyone's business but your own. Good luck!

Answer 4

My b/f did the same thing and he knows he does it too.
He tries his best to deal with,and i admire that but occaisionally it comes up in convo and i told him to stop.I wasn't a hooker,stripper or anything like that,so i told him let it go.uless he is a virgin type male i would tell him HUSH
< a man that cannot deal with someones past.Hell if he wants a virgin tell him even 18 year olds have a past!!
i told by b/f good luck finding a virgin,most men who get a virgin won't be satisfied sexually either//compared to someone that's experienced.That should help shut him up!

BUT NEVER EVER TELL A MAN// ESPECIALLY A INSECURE MAN //THE WHOLE TRUTH
ABOUT HOW MANY GUYS YOU'VE SLEPT WITH,SUBTRACT A FEW FROM THE LIST..LOL
GOOD LUCK

Answer 5

While a new sexual partner has the right to know if your intimacy with others in the past may have exposed you (and now he) to any STD's, continuing to focus on it is a sign of insecurity on his part.

Most men want to believe that they are the 'best in bed' that you have ever had. I'm well aware that this is not the most important aspect of a relationship, but for men it can be the most significant in terms of their sense of male sexual identity.

If he keeps pushing you on this, be frank: It turns you off, it really isn't any of his business, and if he keeps it up, he won't be having any sexual history with you, period.

I have a feeling he'll either shut up or show other behaviors that demonstrate that you don't need to be in a relationship with him.

Answer 6

That's too bad, he must be very young---you, perhaps too....., and he very insecure. If you and he are meant to be together in a solid relationship, what happened before the two of you met is immaterial, and frankly, none of his business, unless of course your have been a convicted felon, have a pile of kids, etc.

If you are still in hs, boys generally are concerned with that. MEN are generally not. You didn't say how old the two of you are so..... difficult to evaluate where he is coming from. In any event, he is indeed a boy.

What do you do? probably in the end, dump him...If you're looking for a man, he's a baby.

Answer 7

If this is the only thing he seems to be obsessed about, don't leave him. u should ask him y he wants to know and if he seems to have a sincere reason, u guys can discuss y u prefer not to answer or his answer my change ure mind. I think it really depends on his reason 4 wanting to know. I ask my fiancee the past history question because I wanted to know what I was getting into, in my opinion ure past can tell alot about ure future. When he met me I was a virgin so I felt I had a right to know a lil about his past. But he was comfortable with sharing also. I wouldn't say everything went over perfect but now he is my fiancee.

But I must be honest, I have a pair of friends who agreed that their past wasn't important but he secretly told us hold he didn't want to share his past with her cuz he had like 50 partners and that prob. wouldn't go over well with her. I think it really depends on u and is he willing to share his past?... Good luck, work it out

Answer 8

Give him very short answers... like if he asks, "did you and so and so ever sleep together?" tell him yeah... but he doesn't hold a candle to you.

Your guy sounds like he's a. less experienced than you... or at least geels that way and b. is insecure because of your experience. Tell him that you know that's the problem.. and reassure him.... if this doesn't strt helping in a few weeks... tell him that you can't see how any of this is good for either of you and maybe you need a break from eachother. if he's really nasty or pushy about it still.... flat our dump him.
It's not like you're married and have a lifetime commitment to try to uphold.

Answer 9

This is a sign of insecurities in him, and really has nothing to do with you at all. Until he resolves this issue, a relationship CANNOT WORK. If you have a date set, then I would unset it, and let him know that you will not marry him until he gets help with his problem from a qualified therapist, and that he needs to get into therapy in X amount of time, or you'll leave so you can move on with your life. Sometimess, you have to be tough with people you care about in order to motivate them to get help. If he doesn't want to get help, then you really have to leave him.

Answer 10

If he loves you he wouldnt obsess over what happened in ur past. Your in the future now, and he should let by gons be by gons, and go on. life is too short to worry about what you should have done, or what someone else has done. You should set him down and talk with him calmly, and if it doesn't work, then you be better off to break it off with him, cause he won't let you live without throwing it in ur face. trust me, i have the same situation sometimes with my husband. so good luck

Answer 11

if you really care for this man and you know he cares for you, tell him whats done is done, you cant change the past. if he cant change then leave him. you dont need that kind of guilt, im sure he prob makes you feel guilty about it too, huh? he must be looking for a virgin then because almost everybody has a sexual past