The Bride from Hell!!?

Question

How do I put this nicely? My BIL is getting married...he has been engaged for 2 yrs & decided to set the date about 3 weeks ago. Unfortunately they decided to get married in August & its not a normal wedding its a destination wedding! Now, to add insult to injury they have asked both my husband & I to b in the wedding. In addition to flying to Florida to be in the wedding staying for a week because of the activities we now cant go on the vacation we had planned. In addition to all of this she is the most disorganized bride ever and has NO IDEA how to do anything. She didnt block rooms at ANY hotel they are not paying for ANYTHING for the wedding party, in fact they want us to pay for things & now they are booking the hotel room we wanted the honeymoon suite as we didnt have one & r using this as our honeymoon. She has not picked out a decent dress only dresses from Juniors departments. How do I help her w/o being bossy or bitchy? Can I tell her she should be paying for stuff?

I have sent so many links to websites and even sent books. She just doesn't get it. Her mother actually asked me to pay for 1/2 the bridal shower and then sent me gift ideas for what to get them. How much money are we expected to spend on them? I got a freakin George Foreman Grill from them when I got married! We are going to be spending about $4000 on this wedding and etiquette suggests they pay for at least 2 nights at the hotel and the flight there and back. I just feel so used in a way. Its like they are forcing us to take a vacation we didn't want!

TX- The only reason we wanted the honeymoon suite is because we were going on our honeymoon that week anyway but to mexico rather than florida and we assumed it wouldnt be a big deal. How can they ask us to change our plans and then not be accomodating?

Maybe I'm old schol but when I got married I paid for EVERYTHING from Tux rentals to hotel rooms. As far as etiquette goes they pay for everything. And they knew this was our Honeymoon because my husband couldn't take his when we got married! I'm not trying to be a ***** but this is not what I wanted for my honeymoon, I dont like florida and didnt want to go.

Ok, let me just make a point here, the honeymoon suite I was staying at WAS a different hotel from them SHE decided to stay at that hotel instead because she liked it better. My husband and I had already done the right thing by going to a different hotel!

Answer 1

I am so sick of hearing It's her day just live with it. If you are going to plan a destination wedding 1st of all, you do have to expect to pick up a good portion of the cost if you want people to actually come. Otherwise send a freaking Wedding announcement instead of an invitation. I know this is your BIL & SIL. They can't expect everyone to to be able to afford this trip. I always tell my brides if you are going for a destination wedding expect to pay airfair for your wedding party. That is only fair.

And the fact that they planned it the week you were supposed to be taking your honeymoon. Thats just rude. However if you knew this was the date when they asked you to be in the wedding then I would have said I would love to if you choose a different date be will be out of the country that week. Sorry.

You still need to have a backbone. Just because she is the bride doesn't mean she gets absolutely everything she wants. She only gets within reason..

Answer 2

Welcome to the "ME" generation. My real estate broker just told me how wonderful her daughter's wedding was because they booked a destination wedding in the Bahamas. As it turned out they especially liked it because she didn't have to plan anything or pay for anything. The all-inclusive hotel/flight package was $1000 per guest and all they had to do was call local restaurants whenever 5 or more of them wanted to eat together. She thought it was the best idea ever. So your new SIL is not alone in her thinking.....

You can't tell her she SHOULD be paying. You can tell her you can't pay or you and decide not to go. Period. The rest is her shindig and your dear brother's prob. As for my broker, they expected only 5 or 6 people and they had 30 family members show. She did say they had a great time because it was a small group that stayed 5 days so they had lots of time to relax, catch up and visit----a chance in a lifetime really for todays families. I suggest that if you go, you figure out your REASON for going and stay focused on that. Cause if you stay focused on how lame you think this is you will have an awful time and could cause a riff that will last a lifetime instead a memory.......

One more thought---if you and her h ave such different tastes and ideas and if you are finding your really just can't keep your opinions to yourself, consider booking a different hotel--there are plenty of honeymoon suites in florida. Stay in her hotel the night of the wedding, but beyond that, its your dime.

Answer 3

Ok, so you're mad because she's having her wedding the way SHE wants it? Oh, the horror! How dare the bride plan her big day based on what she wants and not what you want?? Grow up! Did you let her plan your wedding for you?? Did you consult her before making every wedding decision just to make sure that she agreed with it? It's her wedding, and she should do it her way. Period.

She wants a destination wedding, and she can't afford to fly everyone there (obviously), so everyone has the choice of either not going or paying their own way. You picked the "pay your own way" option, so why are you complaining about it? If you couldn't afford to go, you should've said so. And I can't even believe that you would be mad that THEY wanted the honeymoon suite instead of you. It's HER wedding, not yours! Of COURSE they should have the honeymoon suite! You don't want to "help" her, you just want to tell her what to do.

You should politely back out of the wedding.

Answer 4

Obviously you and this woman have "issues" - you wrote a huge question and it seems that she rubs you the wrong way. You shouldn't have agreed to do this, but you did & you're stuck. I'd suggest you figure out a way to deal with it, or you'll be miserable for the next four months. Where's your husband in all this - is he upset over the $$$$??? Maybe HE should speak with his brother & family about the costs & you should stay out of it.

Try and get into the wedding. HELP the woman - take her dress shopping, for chrissakes! And yeah, she gets the honeymoon suite - it's her wedding! Maybe there's a wedding planner at the hotel that can help. And stay somewhere else AFTER the wedding, so you can have your own vacation.

You're going to be family - I'd suggest you all figure out how to get along for the long haul!

Answer 5

1. Back out of the wedding now as it only sounds like you accepted to be nice/keep the peace

2. That will look tacky but it's better than despising the woman and saying that she's from hell

3. You aren't old school but you are very generous, I don't know any bridal party that wasn't expected to pay for their accommodations and clothing

4. NO ONE except a few nice people in this thread apparently typically picks up the cost of destination weddings, they are entirely too pricey

5. As you know from planning your own wedding your date is sometimes dependent on where you get the venue and if you are heart is set on a certain venue you just pick the date that is closest to the one you want

6. Please book the honeymoon suite at another hotel--why would you expect her to give up the honeymoon suite on HER honeymoon lol

7. You can't help her plan her wedding more than you have already attempted to, your tastes don't match hers and you can talk about how tacky everything was later but she is allowed to make her wedding as wonderfully ugly as she likes

8. Relax, you are married and happy, this wedding shouldn't be stressing you out

Answer 6

We are having a destination wedding, but paying for our immediate families to go (12 people, including us) for 4 nights hotel plus airfare. If they want to stay longer, we explained it would have to be on them. We are not having a bridal party so nobody would have to pay for a dumb dress to wear for 10 minutes, and it is in February, so they've all had one year's notice. I think if you're going to ask someone to participate in a destination wedding, you need to give tons of advanced notice, and make every effort to accomodate those guests who can make it.

About the honeymoon suite--I really can't blame them for wanting it--it is their wedding night, after all. I would suggest helping the bride however you can, but remember you aren't responsible for how it turns out. I'd also explain about the shower--you're already in this for so much money, unless the shower is very inexpensive, you just can't do it.

Answer 7

Maybe they can not afford to pay for everything. These days more wedding parties are paying for more things. And the hotel room really should go to them as it is THEIR wedding. maybe you could get a honeymoon suite in a different hotel. How would you feel if someone reneted that room during your wedding? Let her plan her own wedding....if it is chaos then so be it. It's her deal her issues. My sister had some God awful bridesmaid dresses but we wore them with a smile (and laughing later together at the pictures) because it is what she wanted on her day.

Answer 8

First off - accepting to be part of the bridal party goes with the underlying understanding that YOU will be paying for your own things, including any room or transportation money that might be needed to complete said wedding. It is not the place of the bride and groom to pay. Sometimes they do if they are extremely well-off, but 95% of the time, they don't. So back down before you sound like the bridemaid from Hell.

As to the rest... Perhaps you can suggest was needs to happen as far as planning goes. Explain the bride and groom that blocking off rooms for a hotel is necessary, and unless things are well organized, it's too much of an inconvience for you to participate in their wedding. (Which I recommend against, it's your BIL, even if you hate the bride.)

And as far as you getting angry because you're missing a vacation? The wedding is in Florida, and you can go early or stay late and enjoy somewhere around there. You're asking for the honeymoon suite? Are you getting married? NO. So stop whining, grow up, and see what you can do to help from your end.

Answer 9

I'm assuming this is your husband's brother. Have you talked with him about how he feels about this? I'm sorry, but they are not obligated to pay for your hotel/transportation/etc. I know some destination wedding guides say they are, but realistically, how many people can afford something like that, and all the other expenses associated with a wedding besides? Could you? Let your husband make the call here, if he wants to miss his brother's wedding in order to take you on vacation somewhere else, then that's his business. Personally, I think you're being just a wee bit selfish here, you can go on vacation with your husband any time, but how often is his brother going to get married?

If you don't have the money to go to the wedding, then you don't have the money. My sister had a destination wedding--we all paid our own way--and we all have children as well, 1 sister had to buy 7 plane tickets for her family. However, we had a year's notice. She kept an eye on flights from our cities for us (and notified us if she found a good deal), and yes she booked a block of hotel rooms, but she didn't have to do that. It sounds like you DO have the money, you were just going to use it for your own personal vacation. Guess what, that's called LIFE, and it happens all the time. With that attitude, I'd suggest you refrain from ever buying a home, or having children, because unexpected expenses are part of life.

Your comment about the honeymoon suite is ridiculous. If you want to stay in a honeymoon suite, then stay at a different hotel, there are plenty of hotels with honeymoon suites in the state of Florida. I'm sorry you didn't get a honeymoon when you got married, and I'm sorry you'll have to re-adjust your plans to accommodate your brother in law's wedding, but a honeymoon isn't about where you go, it's about spending time with your husband. It should be the same if you're in Florida, Europe, or Armpit, West Virginia.

On the dresses, it's her wedding, she can pick any dresses she wants to. And yes, since you've accepted to be in the bridal party, you have to pay for it. That's part of the expense of accepting the role of a bridesmaid, if you can't afford it, then don't accept the role of a bridesmaid. Same with the shower, if you can't afford it, don't be a bridesmaid. Hosting a bridal shower is in the list of bridesmaid's duties.

I'd say you need to do a massive attitude adjustment here, and pretty quickly. I do not forecast a good relationship with your in laws and especially your future sister in law if you keep this up. She will remember for a LONG time that you were the one making a huge stink at her wedding. My husband's sister did at my wedding, and it's over 19 years later, and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I've forgiven her for it, but I still remember. It also affected not only my relationship with her, but also my husband's relationship with her, and not for the better either. If you don't want to be in the wedding, fine, don't be in the wedding. Of course, if your husband is in it, you still have the same expenses, and I'd assume you'd go to the wedding with your husband.

So I'd say, suck it up, re-adjust your plans, make a honeymoon with your husband in Florida, and enjoy your brother in laws wedding. Like I said, you'll be with your husband, does it really matter where?

Answer 10

The wedding party pay for their OWN accommodations, attire, etc. NOT the bride and groom. ONLY if they can afford it and want to.

Regarding the honeymoon suite, its their prerogative where and when they want to have it. Apparently they beat you to the hotel reservations, or else you'd have the hotel room you wanted. You snooze, you lose.

And, picking out dressing from juniors departments is actually GOOD for you, since now you don't have to worry (hopefully) about spending a FORTUNE on a bridesmaid dress!

How is it an INSULT to be asked to be in the wedding?

WOW, rename this "bridesmaid from hell".

Answer 11

I understand all of your frustrations! I would be frustrated too!

I would suggest talking to her about getting organized and maybe getting a daily planner to KEEP her more organized. Also, let her know that even though you realize she has plenty of things to deal with and pay for, the expenses are piling up for everyone else as well, including (especially) you.

If she doesn't listen to your suggestions (or you want to be a little more discreet) try buying her a couple of books on weddings: one on planning, and one on etiquette. Go to your local bookstore and browse through a few (making sure you find the ones that emphasize who pays for what depending on certain situations). Tell her you thought she may need them as you've been noticing she's been getting a little too tied up in things and make her promise to take a few minutes out of her day to read them.

If she doesn't get the hint, either she's a lost cause, or you're just going to have to be blunt and tell her exactly what you think of having to pay so much for her wedding. Besides, $4000 is WAY too much to ask anyone to pay to be in a wedding.