Ok, so I was married to my hero and the love of my life on 1/1/07 exactly one year and one day after we met. We just wanted to have a court house wedding with only our parents there on Camp Pendleton, CA and have a bigger wedding later. I am from Northern California, and my husband's from Wisconsin. My mom pitched a fit about a courthouse wedding, and bullied me into a big wedding. The whole time she complained about how much money they were spending, and made me feel bad when the total came out to over $30,000.
The thing is though that I only got to pick out my veil, the flowers that my brides maids and I carred, the bride's maids dresses, and the cake. My mom picked out the rest (including not allowing me to wear my dream dress). She invited all of her friends and my family, and sent out invets to my husband's family only because she "had" to.
We were married in San Francisco, and only my husband's parents and grandparents made it. The whole wedding screamed my mom.
2007-04-23 22:23:35 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
So my question is... is it disrespectful that my husband and I want to have a renewal in Wisconsin? Is it a disgrace to the effort my mom put in as well as the money spent? Or should we be able to have OUR dream wedding?
2007-04-23 22:24:55 · update #1
Thanks for your answers so far ya'll. The only reason she got away with controlling the weddin before is I'm an only child, and my mom is REALLY emotional and over reactive. My husband is deploying to Iraq in a couple of months (we just found out), and would be home in about a year. When I brought up having a renewal for our 2n annv, my mom screamed and cried, saying it was disrespectful and she couldnt believe she spent the money.
So I just wanted some other opinons :)
2007-04-23 22:35:21 · update #2
A mother's dream should be giving her child the wedding the child wants. Isn't it supposed to be a parent's wishes for their child to be happy? Sounds like your mom's dreams are to control your life. Have another ceremony, just for his side, since your mother probably made it apparent that she didn't want them at the first one. Tell your mom if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to come.
2007-04-24 02:46:13 · answer #1 · answered by Lady in Red 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
A second wedding and a renewal of vows are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. A second wedding is basically "the ceremony and reception YOU wanted and didn't get." A second wedding can occur anytime, a renewal of vows usually occurs on an anniversary, but it can also happen anytime. A second wedding usually involves "a wedding gown and a tuxedo," and quite frequently bridesmaids, flower girls, a three tiered wedding cake, and a honeymoon . . a renewal of vows is much simpler. If you did not have "the wedding of YOUR dreams" the first time and you have the financial means to pursue it a year or two later then here is your opportunity to do it "your way." No, it is not being disrespectful to your Mother by having a second wedding ceremony, she got the wedding that SHE wanted, now it's your turn . . and remember this lesson in life when you have a daughter. I have planned and conducted several "second wedding ceremonies" so I speak from experience. Your wedding "should be a great memory," and if wasn't a beautiful memory, then start making plans to change that right now. Answered by: A Certified wedding specialist / A Professional bridal consultant / A Wedding ceremony officiant
2007-04-23 23:37:21 · answer #2 · answered by Avis B 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Have the wedding you wanted all along. Keep in mind that your mother will never see it as anything but disrespectful. Also, keep in mind that it may be sore spot for many years to come. I do not say this to discourage you, but simply to prepare you. Many people grew up with the understanding that a wedding day was not your own, it belonged to your mother. Your mom is probably one of these people. It is only recently (the last 20-50 years) where the bride and groom have been taking over the right to make these decisions. As such, people like your mom are having a hard time adjusting.
Again, do not take anything I say as suggesting that you not go ahead with your plans. A second wedding is perfectly acceptable and, in your case, seems to be the only way that you will finally be happy with the way it was carried out.
I do find it odd that one of the answers by a pro in the field makes a point of differentiating between a second wedding and a renewal of vows. They are in fact almost identical. The shortest 2nd wedding I've ever been to was with 7 people in a church. The groom had been married previously and could not get married in the church. They were married by a JP. Later his first marriage was anulled and so they wanted to have a wedding in the church. They did it on their anniversary to avoid having two anniversaries a year. It was a tiny ceremony and very brief. I went to a renewal of vows on someone's 25th anniversary and the thing lasted longer than most people's actual wedding ceremonies including this particular couple's.
Anyways, do what makes you happy. If you don't, then you will most likely resent your mom for "ruining" your day. Let her "resent" you for being "disrespectful." She's in SF anyway so what difference will that make. :D
2007-04-23 23:59:13 · answer #3 · answered by Fin 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You are already married, whatever the circumstances were. Hopefully, the two of you are happy in your marriage, regardless of the strife you felt regarding the wedding day!
I guess what you went through can usually be prevented by what a lot of mature couples do now, they pay for their wedding themselves, and budget the type of celebration they want accordingly.
Having a vow renewal ceremony could be really nice, although it's most often done at the 25th wedding anniversary, some get it done at the 10th more recently. It's just a nice time for family and friends to get together - an anniversary party, not a "second wedding" of course. You can have a vow renewal ceremony at a church or other location, followed by a dinner for family and close friends at your home.
Wish you luck and love! You will make your own life a lot better if you let go of all this resentment you have toward your mom; she won't be here forever, trust me, I know that.
2007-04-24 03:16:10 · answer #4 · answered by Lydia 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Not at all, people do big vow reneawals with receptions afterwards all the time. I'm not so sure that doing it on your 2nd anniversary is the best idea though, thats usually saved for a big one like 10 or 25, but you have extenuating circumstances and you could probably get away with it. I bet his family would love it, have you spoken to his mom about it? If not mention it to her and see what she thinks of the idea. I would guage whether or not this is a good idea on her reaction.
As for your mother, sorry, but you are now married and an adult, she holds no power over you any longer. You can offically do whatever you want. If she complains, hang up or get up and leave, you are under no obligation to listen to her tirades any longer. Honestly, try hanging up on her the next time she pulls this stuff, she will get the message pretty fast that you arent going to listen to it any longer. And I would also suggest if you decide to do it, you tell her once and then just dont discuss it with her, ever. She will get an invitation (if you give her one) and she can be a GUEST at your renewal, you owe her no other consideration than that. She'll just have to deal with it.
Good luck!
2007-04-24 01:59:31 · answer #5 · answered by kateqd30 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
it is not stupid to have a 2nd wedding. some people may look down on it, but so be it. i seriously would not have an over the top wedding though since it is the 2nd time around. here are a couple of options:
1. get married in front of the justice of peace and afterwards invite everyone to a reception.
2.have a simple outdoor cereamony then have teh reception at a park
but it's your wedding and don't let anyone talk you out of something you want to do. especially if your first wedding was already been small or one of you have never had a wedding before.
this day in age anything goes!
2007-04-24 07:02:22 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Are you kidding!!!? it is YOUR love, YOUR marriage, And YOUR lives together!!! You should have had your and your husband's way to begin with. If your mother, no disrespect, didn't have the wedding of her dreams, it is not your fault. She should have backed off and let YOU and YOUR man decide. She is your Mom and I know you love her, but HONEY, that is just the tip of the iceberg!!! If you son't speak up now and let yur voice be heard and respected, whats next? She'll want to plan your baby shower, your sex life, your... everything!!! It is your life and you are both adults. It is not fair that other relatives who wanted to be there on your special day couldn't. If you still want to do another wedding, then go ahead!!! Good luck!!!
P.S. I married ARMY and I didn't have the wedding of my dreams cause my father-in-law thought it was stupid and a waste of money. He wanted us to do EXACTLY like he did and have a dinner party for close friends only. If I'd known he would have convinced everyone to be on his side, then MAYBE I would have at least worn white to the lame and boring court wedding. :-( I got so pissed that I decidd not to have a real wedding, I regret it to this day and will for the rest of my life!!! Don't be a statistic of the ruined dreams club!!!
2007-04-23 22:30:04 · answer #7 · answered by Mexi Poff 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Hey Princess! How many weddings does one girl need? You are blaming your mom but somehow you managed to let her spend the $30,000. A renewal at two years sounds like the two of you are struggling-----plan a renewal for your 10 yr. Have an anniversary party or a going away party if you want. You've already had two weddings, which is tacky.....let it go.
2007-04-24 02:30:27 · answer #8 · answered by Sweetserenity 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
i understand what you advise, even while my chum have been given married for the 2d time and asked no presents, I nonetheless made them a token present. while you're no longer cunning in any respect i could bypass with something own like an engraved photograph physique, or maybe discover out what they elect to drink and get a good bottle of something. present enjoying cards are good, there is often something they might use. How approximately some his n hers bathrobes? eating place voucher and a voucher entitleing them to a pair unfastened babysitting (by employing you) or you could lead them to up a connoisseur basket. in case you could bake make some particularly depraved chocolate cookies, contain a bottle of wine, some cheese, crackers, a pair of exceptionally glasses, some candles and a picnic rug....rub down oil? the record is going on wish that helped rather.
2016-10-13 08:40:18 · answer #9 · answered by rafael 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally I don't feel it is disrespectful at all. It almost sounds if your mother made the first wedding into her special day, and not into your special day. If your mother can't respect your decision to have another ceremony, isn't that disrespectful to how you and your husband feel? Eventually in life, you will need to make a choice that will only benefit you and your husband....it happens more and more down the road. So have your second wedding and enjoy your time together. I was in the Navy, so please pass along my prayers and good wishes to your husband as he goes overseas.
2007-04-23 22:47:06 · answer #10 · answered by mikhael k 1 · 3⤊ 1⤋