Estranged from my mom?

Question

My relationship w/ my mom has always been hard. I am 22 now, the 2nd oldest of 8 kids. The only sibling older than my is my brother, and being the 2 oldest we had lots of responsibilities, and took lots of the s*it from my mom and dad, who never got along and abused all of us. My mom claims we 2 are the most f*cked up and the worst of anyone she knows. She kicked my oldest brother out 4 years ago, and threatened to kick me out, saying I was a problem and I undermined her authority. I think she was just mad I did not let her crap and cruelty bother me. I did well in school, had lots of friends and also had boyfriends, a job and a car, all that I achieved on my own, after her telling me I was worthless, stupid, not to mention fat and ugly. I met my current fiance when I was 21, about 2 years ago. She had hated men since divorcing my dad when I was 17 and did not want me dating and she did not date either. She was nice to me and my fiance until we got serious. Then one night, when no one

was around, she told me to get my stuff and get out. She knew that if she did it in front of anyone they would object. Mind you I was working and going to school full-time and she said as long as I did that I can live at home rent-free. I move in w/ my fiance and his parents the next day. This was 1 year ago, and I have not talked to my mom. She told everyone I moved out and would not even let me come back to the things I forgot. I went over to get it and my brothers would not let me in, saying Mom said I was not allowed over, something she never told me when I left. I said bye to her when I left and she would not say anything. She tells people she will talk to me whenever I apoligize for all the problems I started with her and for her. She was downright cruel to me, telling lies about me and openly favoring my sister over me. My sister is 21. Any advice on how to deal with not being allowed to see my own siblings and having my mom and sister hate and reject me. It is so hard for me.

Answer 1

Wow, yea tuffy. One thing you need to began to do is seeing truth in life. I'm not talking about god, ether thats easier. I'm talking about the fact that family is it, it means everything. No amount of money, or accomplishments is going to take that away. With that said its time to start up a new dialogue with your mom. Only instead of letting her control were the conversation goes, you control it. This isn't going to be easy to explain because it took me years of self-reflection and self-neglect really before learning how to do it.... but basically understand the goal isn't to get her to love you more, she does. It isn't to make her amit that she was wrong, that never works. It isn't even convicing her that she is a cruel person, she knows. Its about, and I hate to say, espacially to you, forgiveness. Yep that word sucks much but is the most powerful feeling in the world, and you don't need god to have it! You need to understand her. This isn't going to be easy, but you need to be able to emphasize with your mother enough to see that it isn't really you she made the enemy, thats a symptom of the problem. Her problem is that she has made herself the enemy. And I'll level with you there is a large chance that her self-hate, anger, and frustration well never be overcome, and you may never fully be apart again with that family. That unless you can find aways to disfuse it. I can go on and on about the ways, and if you like to hear more about I;m more then happy to tell you, but just for space sake I'll explain a few things to you that might make it seem more.... confrontable? manageable? Ether way... love is a symbol/word that man has came up with to sum up the whole feelings we feel for an object, person, entity. So your mom does love you, she loves you alot, she just doesn't know how to make the feelings she feels for you, make her happy. Or better yet, what ever she does feel for you is hard for her to handle. Maybe she was treated in such away by her mom, maybe she wish her mom had treated her that way. But understand that isn't hate thats being thrown your way, hate is a complete lack of any feelings, and theres plenty of feelings being thrown your way. You need to find out truly why she is so anger with you, or why she is so frustrated with herself. I get the feeling its going to come down to the fact that after the divorce she didn't just give up on dating, she gave up on herself as a person other then a mom, which apparently for her wasn't the best thing to do.... she didn't make the best mom, which she knows, she has to, but has no idea how to overcome that. Untill you can relate enough with her thou to fill in the blanks you'll have a hard time understanding the why.... but let her know it doesn't have to be this way. And just do what you can to fight for her peace of mind, your out of that house now, your in control, only thing she can hold you down with is something she never really gave you in the frist place so she has found it easy in a way to wash her hands of you. But its a product of an extremely insercure mind to believe that your daughters is to f'd up, or just doesn't need you. So just keep in mind your not dealing with an evil person really, just broken and she hasn't had anyone try to fix those pieces. It could be worse then that and she has an extreme emotional detachment disorder, but even then theres a chance... its up to you, try to save the old family or/and make a new one... your not the only one whose had to make such chooses....