At what point am I over protective?

Question

My daughters can't get their ears peirced until they are 12, can't wear make-up until they are 14, can't date until they are 16. I monitor their e-mail traffic and phone calls have to be 15 minutes or less. We don't have cable or sattelite T.V. and we preview our DVD selections before the kids can watch them.

Other parents critisize us and call us over-bearing and snobs. Am I really doing anything wrong?

Answer 1

Good job. AND NO CAR OF THEIR OWN UNTIL THEY ARE 18!

Answer 2

I think that its a great thing to see that there are parents out there that do put a hault to the makeup and boyfriends and yes even phone calls and emails. That way, no you aren't being overbearing. Even with the monitoring of the movies that they watch isn't bad, but you know if you don't have cable or sattelite because of the girls and stuff, but you can afford it. That may be taking it a little overboard. You know the V-Chip really does wonders. We also monitor everything that our children watch. We used to have cable, and yes it is scarey because of the garbage that is on TV. But i used that little wonder the V-Chip. Worked great!!! And at night after the kids would go to bed, we would make it parent safe, so we weren't stuck watching info mercials all night...lol Same with the comp. i have a very good parental control and during the day, i set it to childrens mode. They are only allowed to play games on sites that i see fit.
So no you aren't being snobby for putting an age on when to date, to wear makeup and have their ears peirced. I like to see that the old fashioned parents are still out there.

Answer 3

Do you sometimes forget that it's been more than 15 minutes since they got on the phone? But most of the time stick with only 15 mintues...
Do you let them visit their friends houses even if they might watch something you havn't seen already? Then talk about what they did and what they watched when they return home...
Do you let them pick out their clothes even if they are borderline what you would prefer for them to wear? But also let them know why you would prefer for them not to wear it (ex: that outfit says "rape me")
Are the video games carefully selected and the timer set as too how long you can play? But every now and then you give them a "free play day on video games"

If you do all of this then it sounds like my house! It's all about balance, kids need to know that the rules are there for their protection but sometimes you are willing to ignore that they went over for a little, plus you don't want their friends thinking your mean ALL the time do you? It seemed like too much when my parents were that way with me and my brothers but now as an adult with my own daughter I plan to raise her the same way. The important thing is that you don't take away all of their independance and that they learn to limit themselves so that they don't go off the deep end when they turn 18 and run from home.

Answer 4

I will say you obviously care about your children's well-being. However there is a certain point in which you need to let them grow into their own person. By being so overprotective and monitoring everything they do they will be more likely to rebel. You need to allow them a social life, allow more than 15 minutes on the phone and do not monitor that time. By monitoring that time you are showing them you do not trust their decision. I would not go as far as calling you a snob, because you are no such thing, but allow your children to breath a little or the outcome you are hoping for may not be the outcome you get.

Answer 5

Well, if you sense that it isn't working for you to be an authoritarian parent, it is time to look into what else you can do.

Ask yourself this:
Do I expect obedience without question?
Am I highly intrusive?
Do I show little trust toward my kids and is my way of engaging strictly adult-centered?
Do I fear losing control?
Am I strict, punitive and unsympathetic?
Do Ivalue obedience and try to shape my kid's behavior to meet a set standard and control their wills?

If you say yes to some of these, you are an authoritarian parent. Which is not good. Look up parenting styles on Yahoo. You need to be an authorititive parent.
You need to meet half way.
Why do their phone calls have to be 15 minutes or less? Isn't that a bit harsh? Let them have some freedom, really.

I am somewhat firm with my kids and do monitor their T.V. because there is alot of violence and meaninless shows out there. But I do let them watch child-centered shows that are appropriate with some learning involved. Not all T.V. is horrible.
You have to be careful in how you raise them.
Your kids run the risk of having future problems later on in life.
Overbearing parents tend to turn children into having low self-esteem, have poor social skills and more depression in the future.
They may end up not thinking for themselves and might rebel.
What about a little more give and take?
Aren't your children's needs just as important as your own?
You can set limits but within reason.
What is your fear?
Would you want to be under a microscope all day long, someone micromanaging your every move? No, you would end up rebelling and you would get tired of it fast.
Kids need to feel they can be trusted and they need respect with normal amount of freedom.
Think about it?

Answer 6

I might back the dating one up a year (are these boys or girls?). I would never monitor the emails or restrict the phone calls to less than 30 minutes. TV can be a good tool with all of the choices there are out there. What do youu consider to be previewing DVDs? Do you actually watch them prior? That would be a bit extreme, considering the rating systems that are out there. You don't want your kids to be sheltered, but if they can't watch TVor date, they should at least be able to communicate with the outside world without someone hanging over their shoulder.

Answer 7

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, and I think you're right to protect your children. The reason you are often criticized is that most children have much more freedom. There are also many parents who don't care or don't have to time to do these things you're doing.

If the criticism bothers you that much, consider compromises. Say they can get their ears pierced earlier if they agree to take care of them, and limit what kind of earrings they can wear. Maybe they can date in groups once they're in high school, but not alone until 16. I agree with monitoring their email, but I'm not sure why you limit the phone calls.

The main thing that no one can tell you how to raise your kids; you have to do what you think is best for your children. If this is the way you feel is best, then do it.

Answer 8

I wouldn't care for a second what other people think about your parenting. Afterall they are YOUR children. I don't think that you are over protective. I actually wasn't allowed to pierce my ears twice until I was 18 and I wasn't allowed to wear make up until I was 16. I think with all the dangers out there, and the girls looking a lot older than what they are, I commend you for being a great parent who really cares about the safety of your children. Maybe if every parent was like this, our children wouldn't be getting pregnant at 15, having sex at 13, or getting raped. But at the same time, remember that you can't protect them from everything. YOu need to let them experience life a little bit. If you don't when they get out on their own they are going to either be scared of everything or they are going to go completely wild.

Answer 9

I agree with most of this, however my daughter is 5 and has her ears pierced. And she also wears make up designed for children, however not to school. Some things are not neccessarily bad things. You can teach that with makeup less is more and the secret to wearing makeup is to look as if you are wearing none at all. And ear rings well they are only earrings, as long as they are lady like I see no problem. All of your other issues I agree with you, this is parenting. And just think if more parents actually instilled something into their kids wow what a wonderful world we would live in.

Answer 10

I understand all of that, except the limited phone time, and maybe the ear piercing is a bit much. As long as you also allow them to express themselves and consider giving them some freedoms and choices that they want... there's nothing wrong with protecting your kids. They will still learn things you don't think they're ready for, it's natural, just don't be so protective that you don't address their questions because a lot of things are better learned from you or under your supervision and if you keep too much from them then they'll go the extra mile to learn from someone else.

Answer 11

it's not that you're really doing anything wrong, you genuinely are trying to be a good parent, but i think you are overdoing it. i can understand waiting until a certain age to do things, but you've gotta be careful about how strict the limits are. as they get older, the more you try to control them, the more they're going to want to rebel. it would be better for all parties involved if you gave them a little more freedom. stop monitoring their email, that's the digital equivalency of stealing their diaries. up the phone calls to one hour per day, because young girls really need to talk with friends, and 15 minutes just isn't enough. instead of putting so many restrictions on them, talk with them and teach them how to make good choices for themselves. that way once they're old enough to make the big decisions for their lives, they'll be much more likely to do the right thing. best of luck.