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I love my fiancee. She's the greatest thing to me. Her mother....is a different story. I never had a bad relationship with her mother. She was friendly and we joked around. Now, I'm engaged to her daughter and things were still fine until planning the wedding. She doesn't have any money but is making some serious demands about the wedding and I disagreed being I'm paying for it. Now, I'M the bad guy. What's worse, my fiancee is taking her side on anything. It seems that she puts her before me. I am the kind of man that will put my wife first. She is giving me the impression that her mother, and her opinion, comes first. I'm concerned because I would like to be put first as well. In her eyes, her mother can do NO WRONG. If I disagree with her mothers opinion, my fiancee and I get into an arguement. It's insane! All because I disagreed with her opinion. What should I do?

2007-04-23 04:47:00 · 25 answers · asked by Snuggles123 4 in Family & Relationships Weddings

It's everything, from the guest list, seating arrangements, a very pricey band that my fiancee didn't even want originally, food selection, clothing, HONEYMOON DESTINATIONS! It's a friggin nightmare!

2007-04-23 04:52:32 · update #1

25 answers

Man I am SOO sorry to hear this, not a easy pair of shoes. I must admit, I have been in your wife’s shoes. I love my mother very much and we have a VERY tight bond. This has caused friction between my [soon to be] husband as well.

What my honey did was sit me down, and honestly talk to me. It went something along the lines of “honey do you love me? Do you want to be my wife?” … of course I do! Why do you ask me that? And that’s when he explained his understanding of the situation.

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He told me that a marriage is bond. So I applied my own words and terms that helped make it clear what marriage is to myself and also my honey… it’s not just a bond, it’s a TEAM effort. Your ‘team’ is you and your wife[ and the children you may or may not have]. You’re a unit, and mom is no longer in the unit picture… mom is family. I am seven years my husband senior so this was a fairly hard thing for me to adjust to.

He did not force me to believe anything he was patient and let me take some time to adjust and we talked about it often. Communication is the biggest key is any relationships especially marriage. He explained his feelings as that he feels a marriage is a bond and a team effort and that means to him that he has my back first and for most. That’s what got trough to me “It’s a bond and team effort in my mind, that means to ME that I will have your back, defend you and be your team mate. A team works together, bringing in another person puts a strain on the team and causes waves hazardest to the efficiency of the team.”

He told me that if I disagree, then this could cause more problems in the marriage… like when raising kids. I know that my mom and I will have differences when it comes to the way I will raise my kids. If I always let my mom dictate what goes on in my relationship now, it will only be the same when kids are on the way. Which will then cause relationship problems between my mom and I.

So after him and I were on the same page, I had a talk with my mom. I explained to her that she may or may not like my mate… but he does love me, and we ALL [the whole family] know that. He is not a perfect person, but he’s understanding and does what is best for our family. Even if our family is just the two of us and our many pets, it’s still a family/unit environment. I told my mom that I love her, and she is my best friend but my husband is my best friend too [after all you can have more than one] and our union means that I am starting my life with that comes my OWN life decisions. I told her that I very much so value her opinion, but its just that… an opinion, not an order. I take and make my own orders and she is going to have to respect that. I am grown and I am an adult. I told her that now is the time to let go and trust that she raised me right, now is the time I get to put to test all the things she taught me.

I know this was a long answer, but I thought that my situation would help you communicate with your wife. Your not in an easy boat, but it’s just one of those things that will only make your bond stronger. Hopefully she will understand where you are coming from, if she doesn’t understand then maybe she’s not ready for marriage…

I wish you the best of luck, and congratulations on your engagement and up and coming wedding. It’s a long and hard road, but its worth taking…

2007-04-23 05:38:14 · answer #1 · answered by girl_in707 3 · 2 0

It's wonderful that you are going to put your wife first - that's absolutely the way it should be. I think it's shameful that your fiancee won't do the same for you. A marriage is about a whole lot more than a wedding day, and in your marriage, your spouse, not your parents, come first. It's not good to start a marriage with a wedding dictated by the parents.

A wedding day should be a reflection of the couple getting married, not the bride's mother. Sit down with your fiancee and tell her how you feel. It may help to try counseling - your fiancee may feel less defensive hearing from a neutral third party, but make sure she doesn't feel ganged up on or ambushed.

Most importantly, don't force your fiance to choose between you and her mother. Chances are you'll end up losing that battle. She has to come to the realization that her husband will come first in her life now and it's time to start establishing herself as a grown woman independent from her mother.

Does she have any girlfriends who can talk to her about this?

Also, I don't agree with people who say this is her wedding day, let her have her way. It's not just about the bride, it's about the couple, and the wedding day is the start of a marriage, a partnership. Yes, lots of women have dreamed of their wedding day since they were a little girl, but the most important part of any wedding are the TWO people who are getting married. Your fiancee really needs to take your feelings into consideration. Otherwise, you're just a faceless fantasy groom and it wouldn't matter who she married. I don't think that's what you want for your wedding day.

2007-04-23 04:55:16 · answer #2 · answered by Silver_Stars 6 · 1 0

The one thing that you have to understand is that this is not only what little girls dream of from the time they are little. Their mothers also dream of helping them plan their wedding. I think what you should do is give your fiance and her mom a reasonable budget, but ask to be included in all decisions. Maybe if they have less money to spend they will be less likely to go for the expensive band, and you will have a set amount that you plan on paying so big numbers don't take quite a hit. If you really don't like an idea, don't make it a fight. Explain to your fiance that you don't like it. I bet you will get better results if you leave the "I'm paying, I get things my way" approach behind you. As for seating arrangements, you may just have to go with the flow on that one. In my opinion, they don't really even need to be done. Just make sure that if you have some sort of input that you really want to have done, let them know how important it is to you. No matter what it is, even if it includes having someone sit somewhere that they don't like. The biggest thing is to have a talk with your fiance. It's your wedding too, and maybe she just isn't looking at that part! Good luck and congrats!

2007-04-23 05:07:41 · answer #3 · answered by Mommy to Boys 6 · 0 0

This question should be a wake up call for all of us brides out there. DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE GROOM!!!! While many grooms don't want to fool with the wedding planning, you seem genuinely interested and I commend you for that. The whole tradition that its "The Bride's Day" is frankly a selfish excuse to go haywire. Its not just about the Bride. Its about two people making the decision to share the rest of their lives together. That was a mutual decision to begin with, wasn't it? Why should it be different when planning the wedding? I say sit down with both your fiance and your future MIL. Tell them honestly that your feelings are hurt. This is supposed to be a day about the two of you not just the bride and her mother. Obviously, you are the one footing the bill and you should have a big say in what goes on. This process is a big indicator of how your wife will respect your opinion in the future. The two of you have to build a life together, and a marriage is not a dictatorship on either part, Its a partnership. I would definitely sit down with both of them. Try to be as honest about your feelings as possible without becoming confrontational. It might help to write down what you want to say beforehand so your thoughts will be organized. They may not realize that you are as interested in being a part of the planning as you are. Communication is the key to any happy marriage, and I wish you nothing but the happiest. Good luck, and I hope everything turns out well.

2007-04-23 05:21:38 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3 0

Unfortunately, weddings can sometimes bring out the worst in people. My mother-in-law was a terror while we were planning the wedding and even threatened not to come (she did anyway). Luckily, after the wedding, she calmed down.

Try sitting down with your fiance when you're both calm and discussing how the two of you want to plan the wedding. Explain to your fiance that you feel like your opinions aren't being put before your FMIL's opinions, and it's so important to you that you and your fiance plan the wedding together with minimal interference, since it will be the most important day of your lives.

Keep in mind, however, that since her daughter is getting married, she wants to feel involved in the weddin planning (it is traditional - although not mandatory - that the mother of the bride helps with the planning). Maybe decide on some minor issue and put your mother in law "in charge" of it (deciding the menu for example or planning the seating chart). That way, she feels involved, and you don't feel like you're losing control of your own wedding.

2007-04-23 05:03:39 · answer #5 · answered by greeneyes_bjb 6 · 0 0

Your fiancee and her mother are planning for the wedding of "their dreams" and got carried away, it's natural to wanted to have the best and make a dream come true. You are so sweet for footing the bill and giving them both the oportunity to have a beautiful wedding, however, you have to let them know that they have started to be inconsederate to you.

I suggest for you to talk to your fiancee set up a BUDGET. Tell her that all plans should stick to that amount. Tell her that you love her and that you want her to have the wedding of her dreams, but it has to be within your means. Tell her that the "wedding of her dreams" has to become "the wedding that you can afford".

Tell her that a marriage should always start in good financial standing. Thell her that if she or her mother insist on expending more than you have budgeted, then you will have no other choice but to postpone the wedding (that will cool her off) until you can come up with the extra money OR, they should come up with that extra money themselves

Good luck and congratulations.

2007-04-23 05:27:54 · answer #6 · answered by Blunt 7 · 1 0

So you've disagreed about the wedding planning. What's your disagreement about, I'm guessing it's money related.

What I would do if I were you (and I'm a girl, so that would be tough) is to simply set a budget for the wedding, and let your fiancee and her mother go to town. Back off, and let them plan it. They've both got a vision of how they have both pictured this day, her mother since the day she was born. Women tend to get a little nuts over wedding planning. I wouldn't think much about it.

If it's really bad though, have a talk with your fiancee, tell her what you told us, that you're planning on putting her first, and feel she's not putting you first. After all, it is YOUR wedding as well. Explain to her how she's allowing her mother to intrude on your relationship, and that's not a good thing. She needs to leave her mother, and depend on you now. Be careful with this though, or you'll simply have a hysterical bride on your hands.

Seriously though, it sounds like the typical wedding planning related stress. I wouldn't think too much about it.

p.s. after reading your additional details, it's wedding planning stress. My suggestion...stay out of it. Give her your guest list (after deciding on a budget) and let her mess with the seating arrangements, food, flowers, whatever. The 2 best words you can say to her right now are "yes dear." If she wants the expensive band now, as long as the money's in the budget for it, then let her have it. It's not worth fighting over, because this is a fight you can't win.

2007-04-23 04:55:03 · answer #7 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 1 3

I think you should take your fiancee out one day, just the two of you somewhere where her mother wont be around. Talk to her, tell her you want to give her all she wants, but you also dont want her to loose sight the most important thing which is the marriage and not the wedding. The wedding will only last one day, the marriage will last a lifetime. Make her tell you exactly what she wants right then and there and compromise with each other. Make your wedding plans and tell her they will not be changed anymore.

2007-04-23 05:06:35 · answer #8 · answered by MariChelita 5 · 3 1

I sort of have the same type of situation with my mother-in-law. If her opinion differs from mine, my husband will almost always take her side. Maybe you could tell your fiance you're having a problem with the direction things are taking regarding this situation. Before you bring it out make sure you have a really good idea of what you want to say and if an arguement follows, make sure you can back up your points and make sure you don't just give in on it. Good luck!

2007-04-23 04:54:07 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

hi...

you could consider talking with your future wife about the situation.

you could let her know that while you want a nice wedding, you will have expenses afterward -- and since you want what is BEST and most PRACTICAL for your futures, you think that spending money on a lot of extras will take away from your lives AFTER the wedding.

let her know she is first -- and that you'd like to come first in her life too. tell her the wedding is important to you, ... but you are looking beyond that day alone, and that you don't want to compromise your future by spending too much for the wedding day.

i don't know what else to tell you?

as for the mother in law.. don't let her rule your emotions. you could also tell her the same things -- it's YOUR money, your marriage, too.

i hope it works out and that you get some good answers here. take care.

2007-04-23 04:55:14 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3 0

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