What is the defining factor in whether or not to have a baby?

Question

I am 33, married. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have discussed having children for years and cannot come up with a decision. When my hormones are raging I really want a baby, and often cry over it. Other times I think of our freedom and the lack of it when a baby is part of the family. My heart and my hubby's heart wants one but our minds keep getting in the way.
To add to it, I have been told I would need a mild form of hormones to become pregnant. On this type of hormone the most babies any woman has ever had has been twins. So, this being added and the fact that I'm 33 I'm getting anxious about making a decision because what if it takes a few years to become pregnant. Also, I have OCD and Panic Disorder and take meds for it- I'd have to stop while pregnant and breast feeding. Everything put together is overwhelming but the desire to have a baby growing inside me, breast feeding, changing diapers, etc. is something that isn't going away. Any suggestions?

I do feel like something is missing in my life and I do believe I would be a terrific mommy. When I was growing up if you asked me what I wanted to be is was always "a mommy". So now I feel lost. I have a good job, a great husband but the one thing I've wanted my whole life I don't have and we (hubby and I) can't make a decision.
I am scared, not that I would mind giving myself to my child, but rather it's a decision that can't be turned back from. That's hard for me. It's absolute. But then the love for my unborn not even conceived child overwhelms me.

Answer 1

I was with my husband for 8 years and we weren't planning to have kids. When I turned 34, we were finally in a "happy place" (we lived within an hour from family, both of us had good jobs, and we were mostly out of debt after 3 years of hard times). That's when we discussed if this was a good time for us. I also knew that the OBGYNs get a little more concerned with more appointments and tests if you are having a baby after 35 (even if you are pregnant at 34 and the baby is due after you turn 35). So we discussed trying to have a baby because we felt ready.

We ended up getting pregnant right away and it worked out well for us...but I don't have the medical issues that you have (OCD and Panic disorder). We had discussed that if we didn't get pregnant, we could try to adopt later in life as an option (so that also took away the "rush").

Here's the deal...it's different for everyone. You may feel like you'll change your mind a lot of times but when you make the decision to go for it, try not to look back. With a pregnancy and a child you will no longer be fancy free. You will no longer have time to travel and go on dates as much. But if you truly want a child, it is the sacrifice you make in the short term. Down the line, you should have the time again (and make the time for yourselves as a couple to keep your relationship happy).

Make your own decision with your husband. Try not to listen too much to family or friends....they are not you and will not have to live with the decision you make.

I went from traveling a ton with my husband and going out late at night, to spending most nights and weekends at home together with our baby boy (he's a year old now). And we adjusted to it and are very happy. But it's not for everyone.

You should definitely speak to your doctor about your concerns about the meds you take for OCD and Panic Disorder. He or she should be able to help you.

Good luck and best wishes to you!

Answer 2

This is an excellent question. I guess the question is: would you choose parenting as a career because that's really what it is. If you work a regular 9 - 5 job, it will be like having two jobs. One you can quit, the other, you cannot.

Having a child can be the most satisfying thing in the world. It can be really amazing, but like any career - if you're not suited for it, it can be years of really hating that you got yourself into the wrong job.

The duties can be described fairly easily - love and nurture this beautiful little being. Give birth, breast feed, clean up after him/her, shop for him/her, provide a home, food and all this little person needs.

The intangibles, the satisfaction and joy derived from being a parent, is harder to describe. It will likely be the greatest love you will ever feel. You will look at this child and your smile will be the truest it has ever been - full of joy and genuine pride.

And if you need help, you will have it. Your husband can help, you can hire a sitter or a nanny if necessary, there are parenting classes, etc.

My guess is that you simply need more information and there are a few things you can do to help you decide. You might speak with your doctor and try to go off your meds for a few months (if he thinks this is advisable) to see if this is even tolerable. If not, maybe you adopt if you still want to have a child.

You might post a question on here to moms with OCD/panic disorder to see how they fared through pregnancy and breast feeding.

There are also "Baby Think It Over" dolls you can get - they use them in high schools so that kids can see what it's like to be a parent. Try it out for a week and see if that's tolerable. They have settings for "normal" and "sick" so you can see what it'd be like.

You might also ask to volunteer with a toddler room for a week at a daycare center or non-profit that works with kids to see what you think.

You're just at a place where you need more information. And you need to know what level of involvement you want with kids.

Once you decide one way or another, you can find a way to get your "mommy" needs met - either by having a child, adopting, being a foster parent, being a mentor or volunteering.

Answer 3

I believe that everybody has hesitations before starting a family. I also had infertility issues, and the fact that I may have never have a child made the desire even stronger. Life does totally change when baby comes, it is no longer "me" but "us" and there is a strong demand on the mommy. But at the end of the day when you are watching your child sleep, all the chaos and frustration you may have felt that day melts away, and you can't wait for them to wake up and start all over again tomorrow. It is very hard to raise a child, don't let anyone tell you it is easy, it will try your patience and shake you to the core sometimes, you will sometimes fight with your husband more so than before, and you will feel like you will never be alone again. And then you are so grateful that you will never be alone again, you will always have this little person that is learning how to love, how to laugh, how to eat, how to live, from you. What a great reward. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and your husband. Good luck.

Answer 4

Having a child can be the most blessed gift a person can have. If the whole pregnancy thing is what freaks you out, have you thought about adopting? There are SO many children who would give anything to have a good parent and you two sound like you're ready to give a little one just that. If having your OWN child is what you want, then go for it, you definitely not miss your freedom. You won't have time to miss it! Good luck to you. Discuss your concerns with your Doctor and I'm sure you can work around the OCD and Panic Disorder meds. You may also want to discuss going to counseling because it seems with your health issues you may need just someone there to talk to because a baby does add a new level of stress you may not expect. Good luck, again!

Answer 5

There are a few things, one age is a big factor. My hubby is much older than I and age gets in the way of having a healthy baby. Also, commitment. even though many people say there is a certain joy in parenthood (I don't have children, so I cant say from experience) but I am sure there is, but many people don't want children for personal reasons. The point is, only you and your husband can decide when the time is right. If that time doesn't come for a while, then skip the hormones to get pregnant and adopt, there are many many many children that need a good loving home. We plan to adopt, much farther in the future, because I can't have children. I guess GOD didn't want that for me. You have to examine your life with your hubby and then decide, no one can give you the answer you are looking for.. that can only be found in your heart. ** Best of luck to you both.

Answer 6

You are walking a path many before you have walked. You've come to a fork in the road and now a decision is needed. Remember, no one has the answer. There's no book to tell you right or wrong. Everyone who ever decided to have a child has faced your fears. If we waited until we had all the answers there wouldn't be a population explosion. :) Each must weigh it out themselves. For we all fit differently in the same shoe you see. Who can know the future? Some things must be taken in faith. I have not read any of the answers here, I simply wanted to get right to an answer for you. If I repeat anything said I apologize. First ask yourself how does it feel seeing yourself down the road 10 years from now with a child. Then ask how it feels seeing yourself without one. Try to weigh it out. It is a decision you & your spouse alone must make.

I can only tell you from experience that if you decide to answer that yearning inside of you, you will be fulfilled in a way that is indescribable. There is nothing like it. Of course there will always be the "what ifs", and "if only." There will be days of frustration, and fear. But there will be more days of joy and laughter. You will lose sleep. Not just the first year but every year of your life. If it's not colic then it's someone at playschool who hurt your child's feeling. Or it's a date that's caused them to miss curfew, or their own finances and later on their spouse, their children. Oh yes you will lose sleep, but in exchange you will gain so much more than I can say here. Life is a trade-off dear. We can't have it all. No one does. Decide what you can live without, what you can't live without and make your move from there. God bless you in your decision.

Answer 7

You have obviously given this a great deal of thought - and it is a difficult decision to make. But reading your submission, what comes through loud and clear is the desire to have your own child.
Don't be blindsided by the diapers and committment issue. Yes, during the first few years (the formative and truly most important years) you will be sticking close to home. But once the babe is past the toddler stage, you can go on vacation with young children, you can enjoy a number of activities with them. So it isn't as though you are going to be chained to the house for the next eighteen years.
Once the children are in school, you have a great deal of freedom. And then suddenly they are teens, they graduate, and you have an empty nest again. The time you will have with your children is surprisingly short.
If you are going to have children, do it sooner, rather than later.
Good luck to you and your husband.

Answer 8

If youre gonna have a baby make sure that you & your husband stick together for the rest of your lives(coz you might not be able to handle the situation well in case something goes wrong).
Also you say your 33, so better hurry up & take a decision fast. Coz there are more chances for complications as you grow older.
Whatever you do youre gonna miss a few things in life. By taking the right decision, you'll enjoy most of the things that you do.

Good luck with your future.

Answer 9

Having a baby is great, but you really need to talk it over with your husband and it is something that the two of you need to agree on. There a several things that you need to take into consideration (sp?) when making this deciding. And with your medical history you need to think about that as well. With the hormones, twins are not for sure, although you will have a greater change, and an even bigger change is twins run in the family. But all the medical aside, you also have to think about the money part, can you afford a baby, do you have insurance? Are you working, what kind of maternity leave program do they have, after the baby are you going to stay at home, can you afford to do that, if not are you going to have a babysitter, how much is that going to cost?

There are lots of things to consider, with deciding on having a baby. It is one of the biggest decisions you will have make.

Answer 10

Raising a child is hard work cut out for to people, but having a baby is a blessing. If you are unsure of yourself than don't become pregnant. You should talk this over with your husband and doctor. Think about how carring a baby may effect your disorders. You are 33. I think you have had enough free time. If you feel that you will really be a great mom than you should have a baby.