Need some advise please?

Question

i have been married to my indian husband for 4 years now and we have a 2 yr old and another on the way,to cut a long story short we moved interstate away from my family and everything for his work promotion,he is controlling everything like
1)how much the phone bill should be,and the amount of times i call my relatives.(he suggests once a fortnight for 20 mins)
2)how much money is kept on my side of the joint account
3)what i buy for my daughter(it has to be absolutly needed otherwise it's a waste of money)
4)where we live
just basically everything he controls i don't really get much say at all,and he seems to think that because i didn't go all the way through school that im uneducated and dumb(im not at all)and he can make all the important decisions and i have to just shut my mouth and go along with it,he is also extremly money hungry,to him money comes first and everything else comes next,we have a new mortgage just a few months back,now he wants to take out a second buisiness

loan and i said thats not a good idea but he said because i am "dumb" i don't know anything about buisiness anyway(so not true) just seems he is controlling everything and im never going to get a say...i try my best but he is just to manipulative...

he only lets me call my family once every two weeks for 20 mins.. not once a night .

Answer 1

As an English major / Management minor who knows at least a bit about the whole financial aspect, I'd say you're definitely not being dumb about this. Your husband is taking illogical financial risks, and you are suffering because of it. Besides, he is controlling you physically and emotionally, telling you what you can do and when. I would suggest taking a stand against him, telling him that 1)you will call friends and family as much as you wish, and if it goes over his "limit" you could reimburse him for it; 2)you will cancel the joint account and have sole control of your cash, so you can spend it as you wish, and you could get a new account to share but at your discretion (maybe try an overseas account -- my aunt has one in Ecuador and raves that it is the best thing she's ever done); 3) tell him that your daughter needs food and clothes but that the occasional toy never hurts, and go toy shopping for her with your husband so you can agree on what to buy her at which times; 4)you should have a say on where you live. This is vital and both of you need to enjoy the neighborhood and your quality of life. If he loves it while you're miserable, it could hinder your relationship and the well-being of your daughter. If your neighborhood is entirely undesirable, consider moving elsewhere, and offer to help your husband look through Real Estate catalogs and contact realtors for open houses. The level of schooling one has does NOT determine how smart they are. I am a sophomore in college, and I hate it when people label others who do not attend college, or attend a "lower-level" college than they do, etc. There are really smart people who do not attend college at all, then there are people who get their doctorates who have cheated throughout their schooling and end up making stupid mistakes that ruin lives. You may want to remind your husband of this the next time he makes you feel like "less than he is" due to his pre-conceived views on your educational status. As for the idea of a 2nd mortgage, this is typically a bad thing, and you are within your rights to be concerned. If he does not take your word for it, find an account manager at a local bank, and have a joint meeting with your husband. In order to make your entire family's life more enjoyable, you must stand up for yourself and ensure that you have an equal say in the marriage. Do not attempt to dominate your husband by any means, but do not let him do that to you, either! Consider seeing a marriage psychiatrist if you must, but discuss finances and the kids first. When he sees that you are informed and have a true stance on the issues, he will take you seriously. Good luck!

Answer 2

I'm an x-military wife.i was married to my childhood sweetheart for 20 yrs.I swore the worst thing that could have happened was to have moved away from my family.Once he got me off my own turf i was dependent on him and he knew it.It became so that i didn't know this guy at all anymore.He controlled everything.He even did the food shopping.Don't let your husband brain wash you into thinking you're stupid because you didn't finish school.But get it finished as soon as you can.Meanwhile,let him be cheap,if he's trying to make it so you can all live well.Beware of any abusive behavior.that includes him telling you you're stupid.20 minutes a night (phone calls) really isn't too bad.it could be 20 mins. a week or month. why does he want to know how much $ is in your side of a joint bank acc.? If he wants you to sit back and let him make all the decisions,then he doesn't see you as an equal.That all decisions are made by the man.With the new mortgage and now another bus.loan,it's going to get pretty stressful.Hopefully he won't take that out on you.Find a way to stash $ away for yourself in case you want to go home..You say he's indian?Asian?If so-they are traditionally chauvinistic. Beware,you may only have seen the tip of the ice burg.

Answer 3

Watching my sisters and their husbands and watching my own marriage I have found that if you can not have a equal marriage then you need some help from a third party to help sort your problems. My husband and I have an equal marriage, and a understanding of each other. We to did move for his job away from my family, if he cares he will under stand that you do need to have some kinda contact with them to keep happy. There has to be some kinda compromise between the two and develop trust. It sounds like he doesn't trust you. I don't work right now we have 4 boys and I also did not finish school, and we are trying to get a business going together. Ask him and see if you can sit down and talk about what is bothering you and see what he is thinking about and what is going on in his mind. If you need some to help keep the cool ask a friend or professional. These are just suggestions and I do recommend you both sitting down and talking about it. Good luck to you both.
PS My husband and I have a understanding that we both make the decisions in the house and every were else we go. I wish you both luck.

Answer 4

Well, we all set our standards of what is acceptable to us and what is not. For me, it wouldn't be acceptable for my husband to call me stupid or tell me I have no say in how our money is spent - it should be a joint decision. And yes, it's "our" instead of "his" money, even if he is the one working, because once you are married and especially have a family, it is family money, regardless of who is out there earning it. You're earning your part by taking care of the child, and cooking and cleaning, I imagine.

His domineering personality doesn't seem likely to change to me, so you have to decide if it will be acceptable to you or not. I'm not saying that he is a bad person or anything like that, but given what I've read from your question, I don't think you'll be able to change his mind or his treatment of you in any significant way. So you have to decide if you will accept it or not. If yes, try to talk to him and make him understand that you're both in this together and he makes you feel really bad when he writes your thoughts and opinions off as meaningless. Tell him that you have a lot to offer to the family and the business and if he will allow you to show him, you think you will all benefit from it and things will be better.

Good luck sweetie!

Answer 5

When did his control start? That may have been the time to question his control. If it's been the full 4 years, you may need professional assistance........to hopefully have him understand the situation. Moving you away from your family may have been just another niche in his control tactics. Of course "work promotion" would have sounded more reasonable to you.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, in the society that he grew up in, such behavior is acceptable, and even preferred among men. He won't change the way he is, ever. That's who he is. Period. If you don't like it (and I wouldn't) then you have a couple of options. You can leave him, or you can grin and bear it--looking at the good points he does have.

On the money, you could get a job of your own, and keep that money separate from household accounts.

Answer 7

I believe that a wife should let her husband be the "leader" of the family, and support him. I also believe that it's fine to give your opinion, but not nag or whine. It is not okay for your husband to call you stupid; were you in a fight about this when he called you stupid? Did you call him any names as well? I'm not trying to say that what he did was okay, just trying to get things in perspective. I think that you should gently express to him that you feel that he is being a little extreme in his requests of you, and that you feel as if money is more important to him than his family. Make sure you say I FEEL LIKE instead of YOU ALWAYS xyz....Be sure to be gentle and not yell or name call. Sometimes people get so wrapped up in themselves that they do not realize how they are acting towards others...perhaps all he needs is to have his eyes opened to what he is doing. I hope this works out for you.

Answer 8

well honey, i think it's about time you and him have a very serious talk...that's really bad what's going on then. that's what used to happen a long time ago...

*why don't you prove him wrong and get a job...then you can show him about money and that you can do things too and still do everything you have always done. DON'T ever let him put things over you like he has been....

-if he's not willing to listen suggest councelling for the both of you...if you don't pull him up now, it's just going to get worse...

good luck.

Answer 9

I raised a son, and a daughter, so i think of i delivers you good propose. at the start, in case you like this lady, talk on your father and mom and notice if a get which comprise all of you would be arranged. that must be efficient, because of the fact then the girls mom could get a raffle to work out what environment you reside in, plus, there could be a raffle for the two father and mom(the lady's and yours)to chat. this is amazingly usually that fogeys do no longer understand whom their toddlers take care of that motives them to be strict on their very very own toddlers. next, set an occasion. you're the two 14 years previous and this is a father and mom' accountability and duty to make upstanding citizen out of our youngsters. So abide by making use of the regulations--do all your homework and learn for college. which will provoke the different father and mom to boot. We mom's do no longer % our women as much as now a guy who would not % to get forward in life and who thinks college isn't for him. As a be sure we do like the good adult adult males. finally, make a take care of your self which you will wait. Get to renowned the lady, attempt to get permission to take her to a action picture or different relaxing journey the place you got the permission of the two father and mom and then be sure you persist with the time you're meant to hold her back. back, we mothers love the good and solid guy. in case you get your threat and do all that, then you definately extremely have a raffle. something will fall immediately in place as long as you do no longer attempt to hurry issues.

Answer 10

Some men are that way.He sucks for calling you names and putting u down.If you've let him run your life this long there is no changing it now.I'd get out if you dont care for him there is others that would love ya without putting you down.Start if ya can by putting money away to get out.He's complete control freak and he will proably start hitting you next. Good luck girl and congrats on the new baby.