Why do we fight after 20 Years of marriage?

Question

I have been married for 20 years been with the same man for 27 years. That is more than have of my life. Our life has been very good. We have had a good marriage. The past six months have been a nightmare! We fight, argue can't seem to communicate. We have had many changes in our life lately. Major life changes they have been that is for certain. But I thought our marriage was stronger and could handle them. Anyone else have this 20 year curse!? Any suggestions

Answer 1

i don't know anything about being married for 20 yrs. but i do know about life seasons. we all are either coming out of a storm or going into one. no one is exempt, no marriage is exempt. first, recognize the problem for what it is, a test. you said yourself your life has been very good. so now it's testing time. constantly cover yourself in prayer. cover your husband in prayer. always remember, that the arguing is not him talking. it's the effect of the major life change talking. everybody handles stress differently. be patient, have understanding even when you don't want to , and stay on your knees. the storm will be over soon.

Answer 2

If the two of you can't sit down and talk this out between you, you made need to go get some counseling. I would try talking first. Take an evening where you will have no interruptions and just start a dialog. See where it takes you , if you end up fighting, you need more help. I am hoping that both of you wish to keep the marriage working, if you do, go get help. Major life changes can cause problems and sometimes stress and upset from the changes can wear on a marriage.

My hubby and I have been married for 30 years and have had some major changes in our life; retirement, husband had major illness, etc. We are still hanging in their and I think it has brought us closer together. I wish you and your hubby all the best.

Answer 3

Many men go thru mid life crisis. Some husbands tend to blame their wives for their problems, and vice versa. Is communication really the problem, or is it the message being communicated? People change over 20 years. Maybe some of your or his needs have changed, and you (or he) need to adapt.

You both need to focus on the positives in your life together, and not focus on negative things. Keeping a relationship very positive and loving requires effort. If you both want the relationship to get better, then you have a common goal, and you can sit down put your heads together and figure out what to do about it. Maybe marriage counseling is a good idea.

Answer 4

same thing going on here been married for 23 years without any major fights at all and now suddenly we fight all the time. We too are going through many major life changes now (kids off to college, menopause, moved recently, etc.) I have put a lot of thought into why this is happening to us. I think that maybe we as women instigate fights sometimes to just get attention. Maybe things are going along so smoothly that we feel threatened by the boredom. Maybe we think that if we are fighting we are at least FEELING something strong and different. My fear is that my husband will give up and decide that it is not worth it.

Answer 5

Go see a therapist by yourself. Don't worry if he doesn't have an interest in marriage counseling. You need someone to talk to. Someone you can't hurt, who has no investment in your life. Someone who you like, you think is smart, and that you look forward to seeing. This may take a lot of asking around.

Then, just refuse to argue. It does take two.

And take that vacation with your husband. You don't say whether money is an issue, but in the event that it is, the vacation should be cheap. A road trip to stay a a state park, or something of that nature.

You're very lucky that you remember the good times. I hope your husband does too.

Answer 6

Get out of the house and have some fun together. Do new things you both want to do. After a while, you'll find new grooves, but the old grooves aren't working, and you two are so bored and discontent that you are picking on each other for something to do. Life gets uncertain sometimes, and it just means it's time to grow.

If you two can't grow, then your marriage can't grow, and things that stop growing die. Get a positive attitude, and then start finding some common ground, and get out there and explore life together. Respect each other, and take your mind off the grooves on the past. Create a new life together.

Answer 7

I don't, but my friend Patty did. She and her husband had 25 years together and 4 children. Towards the last few years they found themselves fighting more and more. When the last one graduated high school, Patty thought "Now we'll get back to us." He apparently didn't think that and handed her divorce papers. Their downhill slide started with arguing and lack of communication.
Not that this is your situation, but don't make the mistake of thinking that the rift will just disappear. I would suggest having a real sit down heart to heart with your husband, see where he is coming from. If the many changes in your life are settling, why not try a short vacation somewhere where it's just the two of you? Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Answer 8

psalm 54 and 45
you are going to fight back and forth u all ready know this
fate are u strong enough to cope if it is a final my ma and pop broke up after 25 years .
pop remarried a nother kid ma just seen a nother guy never married again
step at a time deal moment by moment
look at your one sentance -------we have had ???? a good marriage , had is a pass tense.them three words---we have
had ---tells a lot when you stop and think about it .takes two to fight u could walk away .or try a differant aproach start leting him take you out like a real date dick clark does that with his wife he said that is what keeps his marrage going ,,,,,,me ???i do not know. personaly if it is your time to split cope ,or hang in there with prayer and hope things will get better.or keep being the strong one just come right out and tell him .after all these years i'm not about to give you up .so go set down some were or do what u got to do i'v invested to much and all my good years .so stick it up your computer brain i'm not going no were. get it. see what hapens good luck

Answer 9

Sorry I haven't been married for 20 years. However, I did notice a terrible stint in our 10th year. Did you have that as well? One thing I've learned is that you can argue till the cows come home, but it doesn't change him. The only thing you can change is yourself. I've noticed when I was edgy and irritable, I was overwieght and not happy with myself, so how on earth could I be happy with someone who was? I was so irritable, that when I started to control myself, he started to become NICER!

Again, I am not married 20 years, but maybe there's a little wisdom there that could help.

Answer 10

Get a private time to just talk to him, see if he has been noticing these changes, and how he thinks you guys can fix them together. Figure out ways how to calm yourselves down before you guys start to argue. I think that it is normal to fight a lot, even after 20 years of marriage. If you guys didn't argue, it would seem like a too-perfect marriage, which everyone knows does not exist. You can also go to counseling, if it gets serious. I don't really think you would need to worry that much :]