I finally ended my 22 year marriage three years ago...?

Question

The (now) ex-husband was addicted to gambling. Long story short, I walked away with a 30K 401k plan, a 12 year old car, and the burden of bankruptcy. Six months later, I met a man that has loved me back to life. He was on disability, owned nothing but a '75 pick-up, and a sincere desire to find a type of work his disability would allow. While he looked, I used the majority of the 401k to earn my teaching license and am now finishing my first year in the classroom. Problem: we live paycheck to paycheck, his truck isn't working, and neither is he. He remains the kindest person I've ever met, but we're both feeling the stress of making monthly bills (no frills lifestyle, trust me). I'm working 65+ hrs week and am beginning to feel 'used'; he cooks & cleans and also feels 'used'. After a 22 yr. marriage, I'm wondering if (again) I'm blind to the truth. We talk of splitting up, but need to save $ for the physical move. We're beginning to resent each other. Do I hang on or let go?

We're not married. And thank u for the two responses already received.

Answer 1

a guys point of view.......monkey j.......i too have been married 22 years this past june...my situation is a bit diffrent but none the same,i too have felt these pains...this guy you described seems honest and kind. by this i mean you two have been able to talk and come to a compromise. i have always found in my years that the cleaner the split the better it is for everyone. you havent said what his dissabilities are so i cant make any suggestions there. but do you know for sure he is really trying to find a job? its hard to read a person you havent been with for very long. some put up a good front until they get what they want, then they're gone. but there are some that really try. do you really trust this man? do you really know him? is he really sincere? i knew a guy once who was the same way,he was amazing with the kids, a great housekeeper,and an excellent cook.if he were a she he would have made someone the perfect wife. but (theres always a but), he didnt want to earn a living. what i'm about to say i never want to say to anyone.but (there it is again),it may be best if you two do part company. as far as the expence of moving. for him beings he is disabled, there are agencies that may help him move, especially if he goes to public housing. but your another story. you are gainfully employed, so public assistance may be out. but, maybe you can check into your teachers union or credit union to see if there is a way for you to borrow enough to move on. surely it shouldnt be that much. unless you live in california. check into your union and see if there is a hardship loan or something that they can help you with.and just remember this...just because one door closes that dont mean that they all will close. dont give up. ever... be safe...be kind and i wish you love...

Answer 2

Let me get this straight. This guy has lived with you for about what -4 1/2 to 5 years- and he's still trying to find a type of work that his disability will allow? Why does he feel used? You bring home the bacon and he cooks it and cleans up after. If you are working 65+ hours a week, I'm sure he isn't doing much cleaning up after you, so, he objects to cooking for you and basically cleaning up after himself? What would he be doing if he wasn't cooking and cleaning?
You sound like a really sweet person that met a user just when she needed to have someone to lean on. Sorry, kindness doesn't pay the bills. If he had seriously looked for work, I'm sure he would have found SOMETHING in the time it took for you to go through schooling for your teaching license and first year of school teaching.
Come on sweetie, stand up for yourself!! You are worth much more than what you are getting from this guy. I can appreciate the idea that he was there for you while you were going through the hard times after divorce, but you don't have to support him for the rest of his life to repay him. Give him a specific timeframe to get a job and if he doesn't have one in that time span, kick him to the curb, because he's never going to be self supporting at the rate he is going now. He sounds like the type that will continue letting you carry him until the very last second.
Don't let things continue until you hate each other. That way leaves some evil scars that never go away.

Answer 3

Hang in there mate, I've been there, through thick and thin. It's hard times just don't shy away from it. Sometimes you've just got to wake up and think f**k it, the past is the past and I don't care what anyone thinks, this is a new start and a new job might be what you need right now, something to kick start the adrenalin. I've tried anti depressants I wouldn't recommend them unless this really was your last chance, I've been to social meetings they were pointless as well, the best thing I found was sport, I started golf and eventually football I entered into some competitions and made some friends for the first time, I was shocking at first but i didn't care, I had some mates to knock about with. Mates are everything, girls don't matter they'll come and go, just smile, she's the one missing out. As for the job, I can't really help you pal all ill say is, is that you never know what's round the corner, things come in twos just keep your head up, if anyone tries to put you down be the bigger man, that was always my problem, I would have the p*ss taken out of me but when I started to fight it, people did it more, life's full of them twisted pricks there's no hiding from them sadly. Don't worry lad, we've both got years ahead of ourselves, all the best mate!

Answer 4

God doesnt give us more than we can handle but from time to time he sends a challenge like the one youre describing to see just how bad we really want something.In your cas this wouldbe your relationship with this man. Your challenge is miniscule compared to some here on Q&A and in time things will change. God may be just wanting to see how you two handle this as he may have a bigger plan in mind for you guys just around the corner. Really dont see any reason to hit the divorce panic button yet that a little time and patience wont cure. Hang in there, tomorrow is a new day and we have no idea what it holds for us. Good luck

Answer 5

Sounds like you should have healed from the wounds of divorce before getting into another relationship. Maybe you should both go in to counseling to see if there is any way to salvage things. If after you give it a try with extra help and it is pretty clear things aren't working then let go and move on.