Husband is depressed and I don't know what to do?

Question

We met each other around June ' 04, got married December '05. Ever since our honeymoon (seriously)things have been wierd. He's stressed about work, money,everything. He tells me at least once a week he couldn't live without me and would probably kill himself if he ever lost me. He asks me daily if I am happy, and the more he asks me, the more un-happy I seem to get. Last month I kissed his friend on the cheek...then about 2 weeks later I did kiss his friend - I know I am a ***** for it, it was a mistake I know, I was drunk bad excuse but I was REALLY drunk. I already know I am wrong. In a previous question I asked if I should tell him I really kissed him. He answered the question for me...last night he told me that when I kissed his buddy on the cheek (which was in a FRIENDLY way at the time) he almost beat the guy up and thought of hurting himself. So if a friendly kiss on the cheek got him thinking that, how would a drunken kiss make him fee. So I cannot tell him that. Which is,.,

which is making ME depressed because I want to tell him to get it off my chest, but don't want him to hurt himself....

He tells me he has dreams of suicide. And begs me every day not to leave him..even though I have never even mentioned it. i love him!

So, how can I help him not be so depressed. How can I save our fairly new marriage from crumbling?

He listens to AWFUL music, which I tell him is causing part of his depression, but he insists it helps him feel better. He is too prideful to get any professional help. I feel so nervous for him every day, I don't even know what to do!

Yes I do work, 5 - 10 hour days / wk.

Answer 1

There are a lot of red flags here. I know; my wife spent a number of years with clinical depression. Her faith and her medication saved her life.
His talk of suicide is not to be ignored. His devotion to you is admirable in one sense, but it is expressed in a way that is scary. You should not have a marriage built on his threats of suicide. Obviously, it is dragging you down. Understandable.... been there.
Do what you can to:
1. get him professional counseling with the possibility of prescribed depression medication. Be insistent on this with him. It could save his life.
2. rise above this yourself. Get involved in areas personally that are fun and where you can volunteer to make the lives of others better.
3. find a friend to tell your kiss story to. He does not need to know about it.
4. make time to pray daily for him and for yourself. God will listen, heal and forgive.

Answer 2

Personally, I can see a lot of reasons why you would feel hatred toward your husband. It's to your credit that you are doing as well as you have done. One drunken kiss is not nearly as devastating to a marriage as a husband, who abuses, lies, manipulates or uses force to usurp his wife's will ..."lovers" who are physically or emotionally unstable or abusive are unsafe and undependable.

First of all, I'd stop playing his game. All his talk about hurting the other guy for kissing you may be true. So what? Let them fight it out. The other guy deserves some pain for what happened. If he commits suicide, that's his decision. I've battled with depression for years at a time and had many suicidal thoughts; but, thinking and doing are very different. For your own sake, honesty is still the best policy. You'll be surprised what will happen when you treat him as though he's fully competent to deal with this. I think you want to believe he's incompetent so you can avoid injecting any 'truth' into your marriage. This seems to be a female thing.

As far as your husband goes ... if he isn't depressed enough to get help ... then he's just being manipulative. And, I think you have been happily sucked into his game. If you want to help him ... get honest. It may be uncomfortable and may even lead to divorce. Either way ... as least your drunken kiss will be resolved ... and you'll have a relationship based on truth.

Answer 3

Tell him this: Tell you husband that you are happy but could be even happier if he was to get some therapy. Say honey I worry about you all the time and it is depressing me because I'm unsure what you may do at times I'm sacred everyday that you would hurt yourself and that you love him too much to allow that to happen. You guys need counselling right now. Tell him that you do not feel like staying in a marriage where both people are in a state of depression and that we need some guidance from a professional. I would also tell him he either stops playing that music or every time he plays it your going for a walk out of the house because it just makes you sad.

He has the classic sign's of someone that is contemplating suicide and I would tell him that you can not live like this with him always talking about killing himself.

You need to tell him about the kiss the most important lesson in marriage and to keep it going is Honesty "NO SECRETS".

God Bless and my prayers are with you and your husband.

Answer 4

I've been going through the same thing with my husband, except I've never kissed anyone else. He tells me all the time that he loves me and he doesn't think he'd want to live without me. He seems to be in a depressive state also. But, through communication I've found that he feels like he has to reassure me and himself that he's worthy of being loved by someone. Your husband may have the same issue, he may think that he doesn't deserve to be loved. And I know it's very confusing to you, heck it still is for me too. You just have to be patient with him, encourage him to talk to you more and be more open. You do the same, tell him about that kiss, cause if you don't, it'll turn around and bite you in the butt later. He's going to find out. Basically, with my husband it boils down to this. He's never had a real woman. His previous girlfriends either cheated on him, took advantage of him emotionally, or just plain played around with him. So, this is the first relationship he's been in that someone really loves him and cares for him. He doesn't know how to handle that. But, we're working on it cause we love each other. So talk to your husband and work that stuff out.

Answer 5

You should tell him that he will lose you unless he is willing to get help from a therepist and psychiatrist, I say both because a therepist is there to communicate with and psychiatrists are there for medication, and I believe he needs both to be happier, however, those things wont work if he isnt willing to put in the effort himself, he cant pop a pill and expect miracles, it doesn't work that way. If he's scared to lose you, I think that you should let him know that you think he should see someone, that it would make you and him (you believe) feel better, and happier. I think you have reason to worry and you have an advantage to use here, because of his devotion to you, he needs help, it doesnt make him a different person, it makes him who he was before he became depressed.

Answer 6

Do you work? What is your contribution to the household? What if you were to tell him that you will stick by him (and mean it)? It sounds like he's very insecure in your feelings for him. It sounds like he isn't sure that he's taking care of all the things a man is supposed to take care of adequately and he is worried that he's not pleasing you. Do reassure him! You say that you love him...SHOW HIM!!! Don't wait for him to ask you how you feel...start saying little things several times a day like, "You are a good man and I'm lucky to have you." "You make me very happy." "Thank you for working so hard for our family. You are very much appreciated." Little affirmations like this will build his self-esteem and probably your marriage too.

Stay away from his friend. Even if you don't have any intentions of cheating on your husband (and that includes drunken kisses), you have now given him an open door by letting him kiss you twice. SHUT THE DOOR!!! Let him know it can never happen again and stay away from him. Do you really want to hurt your husband this way?

Sounds like you have a great guy on your hands...keep him! Work on your relationship...do what you can to relieve his stress. Good luck you and your husband.

Answer 7

I know exactly how he feels, and I can now understand your feelings. He needs to seek help. You both do. If you both want to save your marriage you need to talk to someone and get this straightened out. He is ensecure and has low self esteem. That is why he asks you if you are happy all of the time. He needs to swallow his pride and get help. The reason that the music that he listens to helps him is because he can relate to it. I know how hard it can be to go through this because I had to, but it was too late for my marriage. Don't let this happen to you. If you or your husband ever need to talk to someone the can be unbiased feel free to message me. I can relate and would never judge.

God bless and best wishes!

Answer 8

don't dare tell him about the kiss when you were drunk!! your husband needs professional help anyone who even remotely talks of suicide is very depressed. he needs help right away! don't blame yourself it is not your fault!! i know you're wondering about the kiss on the cheek if that caused his depression? NO NO it did not!! your husband sounds like he's been depressed for a long time now. call his physician and ask about a reputable psychologist tell him why. you need to do this right away. good luck!

Answer 9

Get him to the doc. If he's depressed there is medicine that he can take. You already asked this question. My answer was and still is (my humble opinion) it's much better to find out from you than someone else (people do talk). Tell him it was nothing. Get him to take the pills. He'll get better. Not normal to discuss suicide in any context.

Answer 10

okay, this is seriouse. You can not do anything about this. Since you love him just assure him that you love him and you will never leave him. Then get a phycologist. He is depressed and since he is saying things about suicide he is calling out for attention. I am dead serious right now. Don't look at this and think, ah whatever. get. a. phycologist/phycyatrist/counceler, whatever there called who can help people with depression and get your husband there. You are not an expert so you don't know what to do. Bring him to an expert and the expert will straiten him out. Listen to me. This is serious you need to go do it right now.