"for better or worse"? B.S. This isn't supposed to include in laws?

Question

I'm sure some of you will say i'm being unsensitive, but I'm about to blow a gasket with my mother in law. She is 81 and has lived with us the past six months. She supposedly has alzheimer's or something, which I question. There are lots of days when she is completely fine, but any time i threaten to throw her out, all the sudden she has symptoms again. Coincidental? I think not. She is lazy and talks back to me way too much to tolerate. I will not be spoken to in my own home disrespectfully by anyone. I'm considering moving out for a while to give her and my wife time to bond and to give myself a much needed break. I understand my wife wants to take care of her mom, but she is being taken advantage of, and I'm not going to suffer any longer for it. I'm going to be the bigger person and move out. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

I have the exact same situation except my mil is 80 and has been with us for over 6 yrs after suffering 2 severe strokes. Even before that she was a pain in my a.s and a day hasnt passed in the last 27 yrs I havent prayed something would happen to her. Her speech is impaired so she cant talk well enough or I would have the luxory of throwing her out to some other family members. I start on her and it upset status quo with my wife so I just sit back quietly hoping the day will soon come. We have to schedule our vacations around her going back to Cleveland for 2 weeks at the holidays or whenever, we have to haul her wherever we go unless my adult daughters will watch grandma. My oldest even moved out because of her. Ive come up with so many ways of getting her to "move on" over the years, even tried to get her to stand in the front yard when we got hit by those hurricanes for some perspective on my filming and even tried to offer to take her fishing with us although our lakes are frequented by alligators and no luck. She doesnt trust me. I even work out of town for half the week so I dont have to be near her. Nothing works. Thought about moving out but then I have too much invested in this marriage and then I figure if I went then her mom will have won. If you come up with some sure fire way, please let me know, but til then I wish you all the luck in the world and I really feel for you as I understand

Answer 2

As a guy I can empathaize. While I am am on your side, there are some things you should take into consideration.

1) Old people are rude. When they get that old they start talking to everybody like they are crap. Not that we have to take it but thats a fact, I have even gone through it myself.

2) Your wife is likely going to side with her mother right or wrong. You should focus on trying to come to a solution that leaves her mothers well-being intact so she does not feel like you are throwing her mom to the curb (no matter how much you want to)

3) The more reasonable your wife is, the more you can just sit down and be real about how you feel without it being swiched around and becoming a secondary argument. If she is not a very reasonable woman then you might need to say how you feel.. somehting alonng the lines of.. "Darling, I love you and I love your mom but her living here is making me uncomfortable. Not pointing any fingers or anything but can we look into another living situation for her?"

She might say "Screw you! My moms staying and then you could probably spend a couple nights at a hotel and collect your thoughts and decide what could be done. Are there any relatives that can take her in?

For the record, for better or worse mostly spoke of financial blessings and behavior. It does not mean that you have to accept everything she wants to do and anybody who wants to stay there. You married her. So if she is thin or fat, rich or poor, sick or well. Thats what that means. If she said that then she is pulling a fast one on you. Would it be OK if your degenerate college buddy came to stay for a year or two? Hell no. If it is not a two way street then it is a line of bullsh*- crap

Answer 3

I'm not sure is she has it or not. However behavior is not kind when someone has these diseases. HOWEVER... it is tough to keep this in your home and cope with it all the time. You need a healthy relationship with your wife. Be gentle when you talk to her about this. I am sure she will not want you to move out. She may need more medical care and have to go into an assisted living or nursing home.

If she has Alzhiemers she will get to the point where it will be far to hard on all of you to cope with it. VERY painful and endless until she would pass on from it. She will start to forget who you all are, her body will break down, and she can likely become violent not realizing it.

I worked in a nursing home having to see this everyday. You both will need to stand together and strong. It is very hard!

Please don't leave her alone with this. She may turn to who ever is there for her then. I realizde it is tough on you. However she needs you too. This won't go on forever. But your love should.

PS. has a doctor diagnosed her? any meds?

Answer 4

My goodness, you are insensitive.......but you must also
remember to respect your elders,,,after all she is 81 years old/
How much more time do you think she has.......I hope you don't
treat your mother as disrespectful and volatile as you speak to
your mother in law......

You children will learn the behavior to see you displaying and
think that it will be fine to treat you with such contempt when you hit 81years, if you are that lucky.

If you really love your wife, take it easy on her mother. You
are stressing her out....She is in the middle and probably
does not know which way to turn.......for God wake be kind
and generous, that is what life is all about......maybe you
have other problems, at work and you are displacing your
anger./.....I hope this gives you a little room to think.....Please
don't move out and leave your family, they really need you.

EDIT: Would you have asked this question had it been
your mother, living in the house, under the same circumstances and how would you feel if your wife disrespected your wonderful mom....?

Answer 5

This is a hard question to answer, but I will try to do my best. When a person is diagnosed with alzheimer's it is very hard for that person to come into reason when a sane person does not understand about it. Somedays that person might be fine and could act like she has all her faculties in order, but just as she might be showing signs of recovery, the next morning she is worse than before, you should try to have a little consideration about this situation with your Mother-in-law,and do not try to act like you are the victim in this situation, if you really love your Wife you should not give her any more worries than she already has. Don't you think that the thought of putting her Mom, in a nursing Home has not crossed her mind? But maybe she knows that one, she cannot afford it and second, she feels guilty in having thoughts of getting rid of the lady that gave her Life, Please try to give a little bit of your part to keep the peace between you and your Mother-in-law, People like her act like little kids,sometimes and the next day they are acting as normal as as you and me. Reconsider your decision and try to keep peace for the sake of your Wife. Talk to your Wife and see if you two can come to an agreement of some kind, concerning her Mom. I care.

Answer 6

My ex MIL was and still is always self diagnosing. I would ask for the medical records proving this. She should not talk to you disrespectfully in your own home you are right. This coming from a woman. My mom downs people all the time so I refuse to bring friends over any more because of it.

Answer 7

No, you are not being insensitive.

I went through something very similar. I tried to hide my personal habits from my in-laws. I like to drink beer. They don't agree Wit alcohol. Eventually I got tired of not being myself in my home. It's my home!

Anyway, I finally got fed up with them coming for a visit and I had to change my ways. Not anymore!

But, you are in a little different situation. I'm sure your wife knows how you feel. You married your wife, not her parent(s). Getting disrespect in your own home is a little to much. To heck with that!

On the other hand, look at your mother-in-laws situation. If she is living with you, she wants to be with family. She is old. She is afraid of being alone and wants attention.

However, she has no right to be like you explain she is. She should not get a attitude with you.

You shouldn't leave your home, that's BS! There is no way I will ever leave my home. I have built what I want around my house and I feel very strongly about my home. I built it to enjoy it.

Ok...I'm rambling but first talk to your wife, in a calm conversation find out what she thinks and explain to her what you think. Make a clear explanation of your thoughts and feelings. Make it known you are not happy.

Answer 8

sure sounds like you al ready have made up your mind about moving and just looking for reinforcement here. Lazy- at 81- please- she's done her time she is no ones servant. Talks back- she is not a child to correct- but an adult. Perhaps your right- moving may be your solution as it appears you are not in control and need to reinforce that you are head of house- by the way what if it were your Mother and not hers? then what? You asked- its just my opinion.

Answer 9

Please talk to your wife before you storm out of the house. She may actually agree with you regarding her mother. It is incredibly difficult to have an elderly parent in the home let alone one with serious illnesses. If you do a little homework and have some assisted living facilities that are available to propose to your wife, maybe she would be more willing to agree. It's worth a try.

Answer 10

you need to really have a good talk with your wife and let her know that the situation is not helping your marriage. you want to continue having a healthy relationship, but can't because someone is in the way. but do you hav the money to put your MIL in a nursing home or assisted living home?? b/c if not- you may just not have a choice.

but for your question- we all leave our parents to start a new life with our spouse...in laws are not part of our marriage unless we invite them in!