I had an affair last year (biggest mistake I ever made).?

Question

I was away from my family working for months in late 2005 early 2006 for 10 months. (Hurricane Katrina relief) I had been married 10 years to an amazing wife and mother. I F'ed up down there and had an affair. I can't even tell myself why I did it. Just stupid and selfish. My wife has forgiven me and we now have our womnderful marriage back. She has good days and bad days and I accept that and do everything I can to make it up to her. Here is my question. She never used to drink or smoke and now she does both. She has gotten a tatoo and her nose pierced. Nothing trashy, actually very sexy. Her sex drive although it has always been strong is out of the roof. I feel like she is changing into a different person. Is this normal for what I have put her through? I know she still hurts inside and that kills me, I do not know what else to do but show her all the love I can. Is she going through a phase or have my actions changed her that much? How can I show her that I love and support her...

But I do not want her to lose herself by trying to be something she is not. Anybody been in this situation? How can I help her?

I want her to realize I love her the way she is, that my stupid mistake was not about her. That she did nothing wrong. That she does not have to change for me to love her. I love her anyway she is.

My wife is 33, I am 37....we have done the counseling...renewed our vows...and No, I did not tell her about the affair, I was too ashamed, guilty, scared ( I knew it was wrong and regretted it), but the other woman (whom I found out has a history of affairs with married men) made sure to contact her after my job was done and came home and tell her EVERYTHING and even made up some BS to go with it.

The other woman does not even come close to my wife. Not in looks, integrity, class or anything else. There IS NO competition there. It has been over for over a year. But yes, she was single and did party some. Maybe this has something to do with it?

Answer 1

Sweetie, she's lost. If the old her didn't keep you out of some other woman's bed, then she trying to find a new interesting sexy woman in herself so you don't stray again. Then again, she may have decided that being the goody toe shoe wife didn't do anything but get her heart broke, so she's trying new things for herself.

You tell her what you wrote here. Take her out on a date, dinner and dancing make her feel the love that you have for her in your arms. It's a phase, but how you deal with the changes are going to a major factor. Don't be critical of her. The last thing she needs to hear is that what she's doing is stupid. She needs your strength and love to survive.

You are her road map, and she's trying hard to make it back to you, but these feelings and thoughts of not being enough for you are detours. She will be back, maybe a little different, but she will find her way with your help. Give her time, and room but also smother her with love and assurances that you won't ever take forgrant her love and the promises that you have made to her.

Thank you for be so understanding and concerned. You admit the wrong, and you are being a true man trying to fix the wrongs. That's wonderful. Remember to say "I love you" and let her know when the changes are "sexy". As far as proving to her that you are in love and will be faithful to her, that's going to take time. Send her emails, text her, pick her some flowers, take her on dates, make time for her! Time spent together whether it's snuggled up on the couch or in a fancy resturant is important. Time together is very very important. Remember how much effort you put into winning her heart...well get busy man, and put in some overtime!

God bless us all..........

Answer 2

I have read what every one had to say to what your problem is, but to be blunt to you sir,it kinda make me sick cause your wife didn't deserved that. What you did can not justify to what you put her through. It doesn't matter if your away for 10 months volunteering for the good of our country, Yes you got lonely and maybe you missed your beautiful wife, but it doesn't meant that you can pick up someone that is available to satisfy your needs.
You said that she forgave you, so all is forgotten and you want her to move on with you, I think not sir. First of all you ruined your wifes trust and respect towards you. Did you expect that because she already forgave you, things will be back to normal?..I dont think so, you put her in a place where she wonders what she did, why you did it,and how can you do it after all she is your love of your life. This are some of the hurt that she have now,even the two of you worked on your marriage. It will take a long time for her to forget it,esp. if the two of you are having intimacy. Deep in her mind she will always think what and how you did her in bed, and please don't say that it's not good and its not the same like with your wife. A man that have an affair will not do the same what he did with her wife, instead it will be different because this other woman is new to you and its not your wife. No one will blame her why she start smoking and drinking, it does help her to ease the pain that she have now. Not even councelor can her her because it was you that put her there.
Your life now can not be like what you have before, and yes your action is the one that making her do this. You need to make a lot and do a lot things so she will not fall deeper to where she is now. I hope to god that she can pass this through,because mine was a bit similar with what your wife is going through............

Answer 3

Yes, you really hurt he and this is the way she is dealing with it which is not healthy. Did you tell her about the other woman, did the other woman smoke and drink and do wild things. I am not sure but maybe she is doing these things to show you that she can be what you want her to be and what you need he to be and maybe she is just throwing caution to he wind and doing what she feels she want to do. This is because you cheated and she thought that being the careful person she was and being perfect in your sight you would never stray and you did anyway so now she feels like she is going to do whatever she wants to do and not worry about anything because what she feared the most (you cheating) has already happened so hell with it, she is going to do what she wants. The damage is done and all you can do is continue to show her that you are sorry and that you love only her and will do whatever it take to reconcile your marriage, maybe even try to get some type of counseling. My question is did you just come right out and tell her you cheated or did she catch you ? I believe if you had cheated on her and never got caught you probably should have never told her but I believe you love her and will never do it again. It sounds like she still loves you but now has to discover things on her own....maybe time will heal the wounds but I would seek help

Answer 4

My husband didn't exactly have an affair, but while he was out of the country on business, he got himself a bj. He came home and told me about it right away, but that's done it for me. It's been 2 years or more and I have such a hard time believing him. Before this happened, he was the most honest person I knew. Now, everything's changed. After some time, he said to me something like "After seeing how much it hurts you, I wish I'd never have told you because you would have never know." He thought it would have been better just to deal with this on his own, without also hurting us. Now I wonder, every time. Of course you rebel. You wonder what happened. You were a good wife all the while, sure with ups and downs, but you thought you had something. It changes you. That level of respect isn't there anymore and you always wonder...
I know my husband is so sorry for what he did. And I'd like to think he'd never do anything like that again. I knew he'd never do anything like that before this happenend. But now, ...??? I feel sorry for him and I feel sorry for us and for my two kids. It's so hard. I hope I can let go. I want to, but it's so hard.
You need to talk to your wife. If you're talking to us about it, you should be telling her the same thing. You need to talk this out. As I know I should, and my husband should. We try to ignore it, we've talked about it so much...There comes a time when you just have to let go...but how do you do that???

Answer 5

I am pretty positive that she feels like the "old" her didn't keep your interest up. She may be trying out new wings. I don't think she is neccessarily changing for you, but more so for herself. SHE needed a change. . . SHE needed something a little different. You never know,. . she may have been bored with herself and the affair brought out the HER that has been hidden away for years and years. We all change in different ways. . consider yourself lucky. . . . most women are wild, crazy, and fun and then turn into a laid back prude (ha ha). You have the reverse situation. Cherish it. . . . . . . I wouldn't worry so much about what's going on with her. . . . . one thing that you should pay attention to is. . .. SHE LOVED YOU SO MUCH, that even though you made a mistake. . . . she is still there. That is REAL REAL LOVE.

Answer 6

My husband had an affair too. For awhile, I felt as if I had to "compete" with the invisible woman. I too tried different hairstyles, read up several different sex books trying to see if I could learn something new to make him feel better in bed...just everything. It could be that she is feeling that she is still in competition with the other woman and she has to do these things in order to keep you from having another affair. I applaud you for your honesty and for accepting responsibility. But if things have been truly "forgiven" on her part, she should put this behind her and not play the "guilt" game with you. Keep rehashing the past isn't going to change it...it just will keep the hurt "fresh" for both of you. Try to be supportive, but let her know how you are feeling too. The question to answer for yourself is "am I doing the same thing I did then to make her think I am having another affair?"...that could be fueling this new way of thinking too. When our husbands cheat, it does something to our self esteem. She may just need to be reassured by you that she is still sexy and you desire her very much. Hope this helps.

Answer 7

I think she is trying to change herself into what she thinks you want or were attracted to while you were away for Katrina relief. Do some of the things she is doing reflect anything
of what you told her the girl or woman you had the affair with was like?

Maybe she thinks you are attracted to women that are a little more risque than she was prior to your affair. She may also think that unless she shows a high sex drive you will go elsewhere.

I think maybe her misguided struggles to save the marriage are driving the two of you apart. You might do well to set up a meeting with a marriage counselor.

Answer 8

I am not sure how old your wife is but it sounds like she is having a form of rebelion. The tattoo etc, is this something that she may have thought that you may not have like previously and now this is her way of saying 'I will do what it is I want' or something.

Putting myself in her shoes, I feel that she is kind of expressing her anger but in a funny kind of way. We all express things different but maybe this is just her way of dealing with it. If thats the case then all you can do is be supportive. Maybe she feels less attractive now you have had an affair and feels that she needs to change herself or her appearance.

Unfortunately, affairs happen, its part and parcel of life but neither of you can go beating yourself up over it, it happend, you got through it and now its time to carry on. Although it cant be ignored what you did, the love is obviously still very much there so just work with it.

I think it certainly sounds like just a way of her expressing who she really is. sometimes it takes somerthing like this for people to find out who they really are. Good luck though x

Answer 9

I will confess I did that too after my ex had an affair, I was trying to deal with it and told him I would work things out, but I just couldn't get past it. I acted like the good wife except I went and changed my hair from blonde to red, got a tattoo, started working at a bar bartending and decided I just hated him to the core for what he did to me after how faithful I had been to him and giving him a son, I was in full denial for nearly a year before I realised I couldn't even stand the site of him. Yes I did find someone new too right before I divorced him. I was always looking to fool around on him but I couldn't until I knew in my heart it was over.

Answer 10

Well, you sound very sincere and I think you are going about things the right way! You just need to let your wife get some of her feelings out and express herself and it seems that is what she's trying to do from getting hertattoo and nose pierced! The smoking and drinking may be a stress reliever and may also be her way of letting you know she is now going to have some fun and be carefree! But, just kind of let her continue to express herself, however, I would watch and see if the drinking seems to be excessive! Because that isn't good, and you don't want to nag her, but you do need to let her know that drinking too much may harm her, and reassure her that you aren't trying to be her dad, but that you just love and care about her and your children, and that you dont want the drinking to get out of control, as it could have an impact on you, her and the kids! You were very brave to be able to tell her the truth and it was very good of her to forgive you and agree to working things out! Good luck to all of you!