Why do some people like BDSM bondage?

Question

I find it bizarre that some people's sexual fetish is getting tortured. Any theories as to why people might like this?

To ChadKyle: I prefer peanut butter. According to my doctor, my body requires more salt than sugar. So I naturally prefer salty foods, like peanut butter. So, answer my question biologically rather than with useless sarcasm.

To Middleman: Thats a useful answer, and what I was looking for. There is a biological/psychological reason for everything, and that is a good point you made. I also think it might be connected to our inherited instincts. Humans in history have been tortured and killed. Perhaps sexual excitement was a means of psychologically protecting the mind against the trauma of rape and torture. We may have inherited this emotional defense, since we have the same basic instincts as our primitive ancestors had. I think the less repressed people are more open about exploring the darker side to human nature through BDSM. Personal factors, and childhood losses or shocks may also factor into the equation.

Answer 1

Well, I can think of a few differing reasons, so I'll lay them out:

1) Aesthetics. I think a lot of people aren't aware at how subtle and nuanced the BDSM world can be- I've heard people say "Why do they like to beat each other up?". But from what I've seen, so much of BDSM is about creating a sensual beauty, albeit a beauty different from what is traditionally considered sexy. Some people find it beautiful and erotic to see a person writhing in ectsasy, and some BDSM people may find nothing more beautiful than a person struggling against ropes. A lot of the time, it's simply a different aesthetic- loving the look of rope on skin, the gleam of metal, the smell of leather, the sight of a raised welt on a lover's bare bottom. Considering the high focus on paraphenalia within the community itself, I have to say that this definitely plays a big part in it.

2) Relinquishing control. I think people seem to forget how stressful sex with a partner can actually be. Not all the time, of course, and for some people, maybe never, but usually, good, considerate partnered sex takes a lot of thought and work. You have to balance out the taking of your own pleasure with the giving of it to your partner, lest your needs not be met or his/hers not be met and you be seen as greedy; you have to focus on technique and particularly if you don't have a vocal lover, must intuit how you're doing based on detailed bodily observation; you have to cultivate or fake the right degree of emotional connection (or otherwise usually suffer the effects of your partner's viewing of the detached sex later) . . . it's tough, and I think it's why so many people find being on the submissive end of BDSM immensely attractive: there is no responsibility. It's a very primal thing, separate from the worrisome arena of the mind- you do as you're told, you take what you are given, and there is no place left for your mind to get in the way of the sensual pleasures, which are here, now, and tactile. You often hear of lots of people who have tons of responsiblity, obligations, and who are leaders in their outside lives to enjoy being sexually submissive, and it's because it effectively takes them away from that high-pressuredness into a place where they can truly relax and simply enjoy the sex in a way they can't often otherwise.

3) Freedom to do what you want. Many practices are often linked with BDSM despite not really being about sadomasochism really, at all- practices like forced cross-dressing (sissification) and heterosexual male anal play are two that come to mind. Many times people have desires that they want but are for some reason unable to voice or practice, usually because of shame or mental blocks, and that is where BDSM comes in to help. Men who cannot seemingly be okay cross-dressing or asking for their women to initiate anal play can tremendously enjoy the acts once it is firmly placed in the context of BDSM- they have no choice. This lack of choice frees the person; mentally, it makes some sense, that if they didn't choose it, then enjoying it has no lasting meaning or reprecussions. For many people, then, the mental or actual bondage of BDSM allows them a certain freedom in what they can enjoy, ironically enough.

4) Pain as pleasure. No, most people don't want to entertain that thought- it's sick, to enjoy something that hurts, they say, or at the very least, bizarre. And yet most research seems to show that pain and pleasure are not diametric opposites, but rather, exist on a continuum. A Harvard medical school study found that pleasure and pain are recorded in the same brain structures, and that the mental circuits associated with pleasure appear to react more quickly to hurtful stimuli than do sensory areas of the brain traditionally associated with pain. When we are hurt, the brain produces endorphins, those natural opiates, to compensate for the pain, and when sexually aroused, your pain tolerance levels raise dramatically. Some people- those into physical BDSM- can enjoy "painful" sensations during sex. Others might not, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either.

5) The stories of BDSM. One of the things I love the most about BDSM is the fact that it quite often provides a narrative. Vanilla sex, unless with some roleplaying, just doesn't seem to allow for the expansion of so much erotic possibility that BDSM does. I'm not saying that it is completely without it, but the roleplaying that is inherent in BDSM usually has to worked with and deliberately maniupated in vanilla sex to get the same effect. In BDSM, the roles are delineated- there is the top or dominant and the bottom or submissive, and it is clearly understood what each one symbolizes, and what they will do, even if nearly any act is open to either of them, it is open within the pre-set mold. Vanilla sex is messier, it is more chaotic, and I think that some people are drawn to BDSM for the sheer wonderful orderedness of it- it is a template but still allows for spontanaeity, and it has rules that everyone agrees to follow (quite honestly, if you start comparing the two, it really does seem like BDSM comes out as a winner in this regard). The stories and roles of BDSM often appeal to people who have strong elements of theatricality and extensive imaginations. And lastly, BDSM is a phsyical expression of the relationships many people have. Many relationships have healthy, normal power differentials, aspects of tutelage and mentoring, caretaking, that translate much more beautifully into BDSM than they do into vanilla sex. For many people, the implicit trust- and the required vulnerability- of BDSM is the ultimate expression of love, far more potent and real than just rolling around in the bed could ever express.

I don't know that these fully explain it- can we ever really get down to the root of any of our sexual proclivities?- but I hope it sheds a little light onto things.

Answer 2

Psychology Of Bondage

Answer 3

You know I have thought about this a few times. I have friends who are into this type of fantasy world and others who find it not for them. It has occurred to me that there is a difference between the regularity of this type of behavior, and it being just a sort of fantasy or occasional occurrence. At least I think that is so on one level.

I guess I see relationships on not just a physical level, but rather an emotional intimacy, a spiritual kinship if you will...and I guess I do not understand how there can be this loving, gentle exchange of that intimate level if one is constantly thrilled by the level of pain that one can take, perhaps facinated by that, and moreso one's desire to give that pain, and to call it " love." Could it be love?...If there is an equal dispensement between one inflicting pain and one receiving it greatfully? I don't know but it occurs to me that maybe it has nothing to do with love. That maybe the agreement, even if it is a long term relationship and it is unspoken, is to keep the relationship on a pure physical level. That everything inside the bedroom and outside becomse a sort of transaction, a sort of "trade" if you will. I dunno it is confusing. And why it is liked? Who knows. But I do know that "like" finds "like" a conversation starts, and through that conversation sometimes a relationship forms. It would seem to me though that there is a reason, there is always a reason why someone does what they do, and therefore it is true in this case as well. I do not know why it makes me sad though. I do not want to judge this but I feel it is ok for me to have a feeling of sadness around this.

Answer 4

I'll give you the psycho-dynamic perspective, in a WAY too simplified form (but there are tons of books and papers about this).

[just because we tend to bash the hell out of each other here, I am reminding you that this is not necessarily my perspective].

They view BDSM as a defense against abandonment. In sum: intimacy and trust are too hard for some wounded people to trust in. The BDSM allows for instant faux-intimacy. It's very hard to build a mature relationship of mutual respect if you are so wounded that you are constantly on guard with your lover. Be either degrading them or yourselves, the relationship becomes more primitive and easier to define.

Answer 5

BDSM is not about getting tortured. It is not about abandonment. It is not a sick, twisted or depraved method of behavior. No one should be degraded through it. Some people are into humiliation. Do not confuse humiliation with degrading behavior.

BDSM forges a very intimate kind of relationship. By placing your trust in another, or accepting that your other has placed their trust in you, is a heady dynamic. It tends to promote stronger, more passionate relationships than in "vanilla" life.

A large part of BDSM is that very power exchange. Have you ever held your lovers wrists? Smacked their bottom? Blindfolded them? Then you too have engaged in a form of power exchange.

There are so many facets of BDSM that it would be difficult to encompass them all.

Answer 6

Some people just want more pleasure.

The more you inflict the pain, the more sensitive your body will be.
The more sensitive your body, the more pleasure you will recieve.

Just try this:
Lick your hand... How do you feel?
Slap your hand then lick it... Now, how do you feel?

Don't overdo it though.

Answer 7

Because most people are inherently empty and are constantly seeking another thrill to make them feel satiated and fulfilled. It can also be a result of repressed memories of physical or sexual abuse.

Answer 8

BDSM is a fetish. Fetishes, to me, are a direct result of something.... I see it as an aberration.

Answer 9

People like a lot of things. One thing I have learned is while one's sexual fetish's or preferences may not agree with yours, that does not make them bizarre. People like things for a number of reason, namely because they find it pleasurable to them.

Answer 10

I liked being gaged and tied, I think it's because I'm used to being the dominant one in bed, it's just a nice kinky change feeling helpless...