Does anyone else struggle with being a parent?

Question

I am 32 and have a lovely 9 year old son who I think the world of but sometimes I really struggle being a parent and the responsibility that comes with it. When I look around all I see is people who adore the role and want more kids! I wouldn't change a thing but my son was unplanned and I had him at 23. I'm no longer with the father after he walked out on us but live with my new partner who helps us both a lot. I know I should be really grateful and at times I love it but a lot of the time I seem to resent how much hard work it is and how much of my young years it has taken up. Perhaps I'd feel differently had it been planned and I was still with the father. I desperately want to be a good parent but feel sometimes I am just no good at it as I don't have enough patience! Perhaps this is common but I do feel some people are more natural raising children than others. I do my best to take him out and spend time with him and encourage him with school and hobbies anyone else relate to this

Answer 1

some people are naturally maternal and others.. well i know for others it can come as a shock.. I was 18 and married when my first child was born and 19 with my second but by the time my third child was born i had separated from my husband and was seeking a divorce and i can tell you now it doesn't make any difference if the baby is planned or not or if your still with the father or not.. parenting is a tough job and in the world we live in now it isn't getting any easier. Having to be always on the look out for unsavoury people, the cost of everything and the demand put upon us as parents...
you care enough to have thought a great deal about it and that shows me your a great parent and I'm sure your doing a grand job.

Answer 2

I think you hit it right on the head when you said "maybe if this was a planned pregnancy or I was still with the father."

I was 21 when my oldest was born, 23 with my second and I have loved raising my children. But, our pregnancies were planned and I am married to my children's father. I don't feel Like I suffered any loss when I entered parenthood because I made a conscious decision to end the "care free party years" and begin the "family years." I can totally sympathize with your situation though, I would probably be mourning the loss of my freedom if my pregnancy had been unplanned at such a young age.

Every mother (no matter what they may tell you) has days when they resent their responsibilities. It's only natural to be overwhelmed from time to time, or just worn out! Make sure you are giving yourself a night out once in a while to rejuvenate!

Answer 3

I think that every good parent doubts themselves at some point in time. I think that every parent gets sick of being "responsible & in charge" 24/7. It's a hard job, only made harder when you are doing it on your own. Remember to try to take some "time out" for yourself. That's how you re-energize your batteries...soak in the tub with bubbles & a good book. Sit on the pourch in the sunshine with a soda and ignore the dust in the living room for the day. Slow down and enjoy some fresh air and some quiet time. Take a day to be young and silly at the mall with some friends or alone.

I am over 10 years older than you, I have 15, 13 & 10 yr old girls....all planned. And there are hours, days and sometime weeks when it gets overwhelming and annoying. That's when I take a day to myself! I need it, just to remind myself that I have a name....I'm not just Mom or Hon....

Don't dwell on what could have been or what might have been. Can't change it so why waste the energy. Make the best of what you have today. Take a time out! :)

Answer 4

Sorry I can't cheer you up, I had to choose between work and school just to keep up the rent, so now I feel stuck paying rent without furthering my education. I didn't have anyone to help me in anyway because I was in fostercare and once you are old enough, you are out. Owning a home is simply out of the question for anyone who has to work and make it on their own unless they are willing to put everything on the line in the lending lottery or buy a 'fixer-upper" that may never be 'fixed' due to lack of funds. Add in taxes and all the other costs of home ownership, and its no wonder a lot of people carry around massive debt on their credit cards and elsewhere. Many lenders take advantage by giving you easy rates that change to extremely high in a few years, causing many to lose their homes and renting is just a money pit. Even two incomes can't keep up, as you can see from the real estate downturn many states are having right now due to those adjusting rates. I just feel like you have to have had well-off parents or a really high-paying job to keep up. Or started saving every penny you could from the moment you were legal to work while living at home rent-free until you were 30, lol.

Answer 5

You are a good mother, don't let anyone tell you any differently! People who seem like they just adore being a parent and want more kids are putting up a FACADE. There are parts to being a parent that NO ONE really likes and if they claim they do, they are lying just to seem like a better parent or trying to convince themselves.

It's normal that with great sacrifice, which is what parenting is, comes some resentment. Even if you love your child, which you do, it's perfectly normal to resent having to do some of the things that we have to do as parents. Anyone who tells you any different is lying to you. There's absolutely no way NOT to resent some parts because being a parent is a thankless, endless sacrifice.

I took on the care of my niece when she and I were both quite young. Even though I willingly chose that sacrifice, I still resented a lot of what I had to do and sometimes, what I still have to do. I planned to take on the care of my niece and I still feel the same as you do so that tells me it's universal with all parents, some parents are just willing to admit it and others aren't.

As long as you love them and are doing the best you can, you're doing a great job being their parent. Don't let it get you down too much and enjoy the best parts of it. All too soon they'll be old enough to move out of the house.
Peace,
Jenn

Answer 6

I think everything you are feeling is completely normal. Especially since you may hold a few healthy resentments. I was 18 when I got pregnant with my daughter, and her father relapsed on heroin during the pregnancy and didn't let me move in with him until I was 6 months pregnant! So I still hold a lot of resentments for the way I felt back then. I feel like he took a part of my life away that I could never get back. But now he's worked really hard to change things and I think that it has made it easier for me accept life the way it is. I love my daughter and now I really enjoy motherhood and can't wait to have another. Forgiving and moving on may be one of the best ways to cope with your feelings. But just know you're not alone!

Answer 7

First of all ((((HUGS))))

Its natural to struggle and doubt your own abilities. I remember a wise Nurse telling me that guilt comes along with the family allowance book - every single parent feels it.

Guilty that you aren't spending enough time or money on them, guilty that they sleep all night (or was that just me), guilty when your happy they are in bed, guilty that they have to go to school!

The list is endless!

You've raised a wonderful son, if you hadn't done a good job this long then you would know about it by now, the school would be on the phone!

Ok, you had him young. By what standards? I was 21 when I had my son and am looking forward to my 40's when I will be free to do more of what I want when I have the time and means. Think of all these 'career' woman who have struggled to prosper in the workplace only to give it all up at 35 when they had to spend all their money on IVF as they were 'to busy' to have kids earlier on!

Its swings and roundabouts with regards to when your best years will be! My parents were 20 when they had me, when I moved out they were 40 and went on 3 holidays a year, one of which was always a 3 week cruise, they have more disposable income than they have ever had - they lived hand to mouth bringing us up.

No matter what stage we are at in our lives when children arrive, they are the biggest SHOCK ever. The responsibility and the certinity of it all is frightening.

You are doing the best that you can. Don't be afraid to ask for help - from friends and family. Or even professionals. There are helplines (Parentline) there and even classes. Kids don't come with instruction manuals - its ok to double check what your doing is ok.

All the best.

Answer 8

You're doing fine. Think of all those people who get a career and leave it later to have kids.... They've got to put everything on hold, and sometimes leave it too late,whereas your son will be older and you will have all the time in the world to persue your ambitions and aspirations, with the added benefit of life experience to go with it.

I can relate to this because I am in a similar situation. There never seems to be enough time to do anything except work, school, washing, cleaning, ironing, studying, etc.

Then your son does something special, usually something small and thoughtful, and it makes it all worth while.

I'm sure you are doing fine. You obviously care otherwise you wouldn't be asking this question. Keep it up!

Answer 9

I can completely relate!! Raising children is not easy. My childs father is very supportive and i have a supporting family and i still struggle - cos you have to sacrifice so much of yourself. My daughter was wanted but wasnt planned either. I had this really naive, unrealistic, romantic vision about what having children would be like and the dream wasnt very similar to the reality. I love my daughter to bits but sometimes wonder what has happened to MY life, and to my sense of ME!! And I wasnt a young mother, i was 32 when i gave birth to my daughter, so I have enjoyed my youth!!

Please dont feel bad, i am sure you are doing a tremendous job.

I actually admire single parents immensely because i dont think i could do it alone. ALthough you are not alone, i expect you carry most of the burden of childrearing as it is your biological son, and that must be a bit of a strain.

Answer 10

LOL!!! I think all mothers feel the way you do at some point. I have felt the same way and then I feel guilty because I wanted this. If you talk to any random mother she will confess that she feels overwhelmed too. Being a mother is tough work. You should be proud of all your good moments and not the doubts get you down. Being a mother is only job I can think of that is 24/7, 356 days of the year, for the rest of your life. That can be exhausting.