My son is learning to disrespect me from his father. I set boundaries and I am consistent but?

Question

he presses the envelope and is very disrespectful towards me. The more trouble he gets into the less respect he shows toward me. His father was very verbally abusive when we were married and is now teaching our son to be like this. I am at my wits end. How can I instill respect in him without turning him against me? We used to be very close and have drifted some becuase of the damage his dad is causing.

He is 8 years old. He also tells his dad whatever I spend and everything that goes on. His dad and me are fighting for custody.

Answer 1

I would try counseling. I would have a male counselor. Someone has to show/tell him that it is a must that he respects women. Eventually he will be out on his own and you will be rid of the disrespects but some other woman will have him disrespecting her. I think that it sounds like you are doing everything else right. Good luck.

Answer 2

Anybody ask the boy how He wants this to go? Has he said he'd prefer to live with Dad? You may be on a sinking ship, dear.

I'd talk with the child and ask him how he would handle this. If Dad is going to turn him against you and use him as an informant, and has him conspiring against you, you are not going to win this one. Best to be the weekend Mom and keep the conspiracy to a minimum.

If you do decide that the boy wants to be with his Dad, and you allow this to happen, hon, odds are your son will be back on your doorstep shortly and so much the wiser. But,it is a gamble. I'd be willing to bed Daddy is playing a game and he really has no intention of winning. He just wants you miserable. Call his bluff.

My ex used to come to the foyer to pick up the children. At one point, while in MY home he made comment that I was a bad mother. I told him then he better get on it and make sure he got the kids out of my home and into his. He never said another disrespectful word.

Answer 3

Nasty custody battles are never a good thing--for parents or children. I'm sorry you are going through this.

The best thing I can tell you to do to not say a word to your son about how his father feels toward you. If he says, "Well, dad said that you ____." Then just tell him that if that's the way he [his dad] feels that's fine. Stay calm and let him know that he will not say or do that in your home.

I'd explain to him that while everyone is entitled to their own beliefs that you wish to not hear about what his father has to say about him.

Don't take to his father. The more you talk to him [about non-parental things] the longer he'll have a hold on your son.

Don't act angry or upset if your son does tell his father about what you guys have been doing. What's the difference anyway if you're doing the right thing?

I know it's hard, but don't bad mouth his dad in front of him. It must be hard enough on him without the pull from both mom and dad about each other.

I wish you the best of luck. It's a tough situation but you'll see it through. The best thing you can do is explain what is acceptable and not acceptable in your home.

Answer 4

Don't get into shouting matches you have the authority to say NO use it. If he still insists ignore his persistance by acting as though he hasn't continued and YOU direct the conversation to other topics. If he is obnoxious about his meals pick his plate up throw away the food and DON"T make him anything else to eat. If necessary set up a recording device and as you are performing an act state out loud (so the boy understands and the reason is recorded) what you are doing and why and how much time has elapsed. It seems complicated but you may end up back in court and have to prove you are not mean and rotton. lastly NEVER tell him he shouldn't visit and ALWAYS tell him you love him. Yes I have had a similar situation.
Lastly and 8yo child does NOT need to know about what you spend or how you spend it. Give him as little information as possible to take back to his father.

Answer 5

I am very sorry you are having this problem. First your ex-husband is teaching him this behavior. You may have to address this problem with the ex first. I am sure he knows that this was part of the problem. Lay it on the line and tell him that if he cannot be respectful to you in front of your son that you may have to go to court to keep him away unless he get counseling for his behavior. Since I do not know your son's age I can not say if it may also be just a stage of testing. Please remind him every time he is rude, in your nicest voice, that he does not talk to anyone like he just did. Respect is earned by ones behavior so keep up the good work and he will learn how to behave by your behavior too.

Answer 6

I would get advice from a counselor. Immediately. Also, can you go to court and request that visitation with his father be monitored? I forget the term, but don't let his dad be alone with him? I am sure that this can be done especially if your son tells a psychologist (do this befoe you go to court) that he's copying his dad when your son is so disrespectful to you. If the dad finds out what you plan, he may warn your son not to be disrespectful to your face, although your son will continue to pull away becasue dad will continue to bad-mouth you.
Act now, before it is too late and your son feels only contempt for you because he will perceive that you are too weak to stand up for yourself.

Also, and this should inspire you if nothing else does, the way a boy treats his mom and sisters is the way he will treat his wife. If youdon't want your son to be divorced, and there go the grandkids, your son will wind up visiting his kids, and you may lose contact with them altogether, then get on this problem immediately.

Answer 7

I have the same problem but 10x worse. My son is 16 and I have been dealing with for years to the point. Any consequences I put in place my husband would undermine me. To the point my kids would say things to me like this is Dads house or Dads car because I was a stay at home Mom....
Tried counseling several times both marriage counseling and counseling for my son. Husband never followed through instructions from Psychologist for son to receive individual counseling and specifically said family counseling would be important for son .to work on problem solving and communication.
Just after that son was diagnosed with ODD and ADD.. and sent to DH for assaulting another young man... We had to attend a class for parents and make up rules and consequences. We left an eight week class with nothing!!!! I wrote down what I thought was important in order to discuss with him... Did not happen...

My husband would also say and act one way in the office and another at home. The bad thing is my son does not listen to him either.... But my husband blows it off as no big deal. Son flunking 9th grade oh well sits around playing PlayStation all day after not fulfilling his promise to get a job.
It is beyond me how a parent (father) can one allow his son to disrespect his mother but watch your sons life going down the wrong path and just sit by and do nothing !!!!! Nothing listen to any of the numerous counselors or even our 21 year old daughter who is concerned about her how Brother's life is going to turn out..... He completely shuts down we discuss our son and makes excuses by saying things like it no big deal and you did it when you were young. Different time, I never got caught and I'm not a minority male.

Hindsight is 20/20 I personally would have left along time ago had I realized the effect the emotional, mental, verbal, and financial abuse would have on my children. I was young (to young) when we married and these types of things were not discussed. It will only get worse as he gets older. It is a plus if your husband dies not interfere with your discipline mine did and my son barely dies anything I tell him to do.. II'm the only one still in counseling .One of the counselors stopped seeing my son because he saw my husband was not going to follow through with the instructions he gave for us to use for our son. And I am definitely concerned about whatever girl my son dates.. My advice to her would be don't. My heart us breaking watching a train wreck with my child on it . Good Luck hopefully your situation won't turn out like mine has so far.

Answer 8

So I take it you and his father are not together anymore? If so, I would contact a lawyer and explain that his father is making for an unhealthy lifestyle for your son. And write down everything your son says to you, or about his father so you know what to say all at once instead of trying to remember. There comes a certain age where it is to late to turn back what has been done, but if he is young you have time to save him from being a very disrespectful adult. Good luck!

Answer 9

I cannot speak from too much experience since my daughter is only 3....but I would try maybe rewarding him in some way when he treats you with respect. Maybe if he goes the whole day without being argumentative...you could take him out for some ice cream. Play games with him to show him you care....Help him with his homework (if he's in school) and just sit down and talk with him....Good luck!

Answer 10

How old is he? Find a good looking girl and get her to tell him how very uncool it is to disrespect his mother. Also the silent treatment works too. When my daughter said to me "what ever" I took her phone,shut down the computer and nixed the TV. Twenty four hrs later, got an apology and have not herad it again. Good luck