All of us are of Asian origin & immigrated here to the U.S. I was raised up here & been here for 22 yrs. Husband & his family been here 17 yrs. We married when I was 19 & have been together 10yrs.
At the beginning of 2006, MIL said she wanted to stop working & could no longer afford her mortgage. Husband wanted MIL, FIL, and little SIL to come live with us. I was hugely against this but promised to give it a try becuz husband really wanted it. Before my baby, everyone was busy working and we got along only civilly in the same house.
MIL quit her job after my baby was born and set her heart on babysitting. The problem is I plan to be a SAHM. Soon I had issues with her hogging my newborn baby, taking him to her room and closing the door, napping with him, trying to act like a 3rd parent, giving unsolicited advice, invading my privacy. We got into a fight & MIL returned to work and moved out. SIL called me out on this & that I was unfit to be DH's wife and a bad mother. WWYD?
2007-04-21 06:48:49 · 19 answers · asked by lemontree 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
We are not cutting MIL off from seeing her grandson. She will get to see him at least once a week. Also, husband visits them and we are helping them out financially a lot.
2007-04-21 07:53:07 · update #1
FIL was making the same steamed buns every couple of weeks for months. I ate some in the beginning but didn't care for them too much. One time, I finally said to MIL that I don't really like the buns that much. Now, they say I don't show respect and honor to them because I won't eat the buns they make.
Last year, one of my 2 1/2 yr old toy breed dogs died of an illness right before my eyes and I was heart-broken. Following that, I noticed my FIL giving table food to my remaining young doggie and the table food had bones in them. I nicely reminded him to not do this because it could hurt the dog's stomach. Then one time, I found my dog playing with a very, very sharp chicken bone. I showed this to FIL, who confirmed that he did give it to my dog, and then sternly asked him not to do it ever again because I don't want my dog to go to the hospital or die. Now, FIL says I love and care more about the dog than them.
It seems like I just can't do anything right in their eyes!
2007-04-21 08:27:00 · update #2
Living with your mother-in-law seldom works. Be glad she moved out and I hope you can repair the relationship to the point where you are civil.
I'd tell your sister-in-law to butt out. None of her business.
And your husband should never expect you to have to put up with this.
2007-04-21 06:53:47 · answer #1 · answered by True Blue Brit 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would think the heavens above that she moved out. Have him talk to his mother. He should stand up for you and your choices as the mother of his children. She should have known that you wanted to be a sahm, so she was being a real jerk about the situation. Stand your ground. I would.
I would like to add on now. I can see her point a little bit about wanting to be around the child. And I can see your point, if they can even abide by the rules that you have set for your dog, ie no bones, then are they going to respect your wishes about your child. Maybe you should ask your mother-in-law if her mother-in-law gave her this much problems, don't be sarcastic...be serious. Tell them that you are not disrepecting them but only telling the truth, ie the buns, and in your family, which I am not sure about but I would think so, your family tells the truth to one another.
And ask them, if you are such a bad wife and mother...why hasn't their son divorced you? That is a right in USA. Our culture is indeed different than theirs but they obviously need to open their minds and hearts to this culture and learn that we do things differently.
And yes maybe you will never do anything right in their eyes but does that matter? What matters is what your husband thinks and you should seriously talk to him about this matter since it is bothering you so much.
2007-04-21 13:57:09 · answer #2 · answered by mrs_nisius 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She should have been more considerate and should not have been taking the baby like he was hers. A new mother wants to be close the child at all times and if she does not get this, then she should not live with you. Explain why you are upset and eventually she will get over it. Your husband should also back you up on this one and put his mother in her place. Is is not the sister-in-laws business and that is what I would tell her. She can take the mom in if she wants.
2007-04-21 14:23:15 · answer #3 · answered by Shanna h 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
When a man gets married, he is supposed to shift his priorities and loyalties to his wife. She's his family now, and his parents take second place. When a couple has a child, their priorities and loyalties shift to their child, and secondly to each other, and thirdly to their extended family. At least that's the way it works in my culture. I know Asian family values are different. I think what you need to do is talk to your husband and get it straight between you where the priorities are. Your sister-in-law's opinion isn't really that important, and the opinions of all of us aren't important at all. Your husband is the one you need to be asking this question of, and you need to get on the same page and then stand strong together. If you discover you don't share the same parenting values, then you need to figure out what the next step is. Counselling maybe?
2007-04-21 14:04:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ride out the storm. You are in the middle of being right here. Different cultures have different values, and you obviously have adapted US culture fully. But your husband's family hasn't ...not much else to do but let the storm pass, it will in time, but I am not so sure you will be the favorite DIL....that is a decision you have already made, stick with it. And yes, you will be bad mouthed forever more, but worse things can happen, that is for sure. I only hope that your husband is strong enough to withstand the storm...that may not happen. Good luck
2007-04-21 13:59:37 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow! so many abbs. made my teeth sour with the lemon your id. Although I didn't get the full form of SAHM but think I understood the preblem per se.
What problem do you have in your MIL babysitting the kid? In India lots of MILs do that and in fact that binds the child to grandparents, otherwise generation gap which takes its toll on parents won't let grandparents survive with the grandchildren.
If she could make a wise and dutiful man out of your husband, believe me, there may be difference of opinion but she can make a good being out of your child too.
Yes, there remains a problem and conflict of some habits that you may not want the child to have and she wants or vice - versa but adjustment is the name of the game in marriages.
Besides, she could also be a help as sometimes the child doesn't listen to one person and listens to other. You get more freedom as a mother and wife also. You need not worry, when you are busy in a party or in the job.
Yes, as I have listed there could be more +ves then -ves in a grand parent taking care of the child but that doesn't make you a bad mother or wife. You have your own thoughts and convictions. Do what you like best but as you have the right to stay with your baby your MIL too has this right. In her old age, she needs the help of your husband also and he has a duty towards her also.
In laws are not always villains, they can be best of friends too. It is just the perception you carry.
2007-04-21 15:16:34 · answer #6 · answered by sanjay 4 · 0⤊ 3⤋
I know how you feel My monster in law is a real pain in the but. You were totally in the right.
It is a sad thing when grandparents don't get to see grand kids , especially considering the culture your in-laws came from where grand kids spend allot more time with grand kids then we are accustom to.
Maybe you could come up with some kind of rule list where they could spend some time with them, but not so much that it would cause allot of friction.
Try not to let this cause a permeate rift in the family, if you can help it.
2007-04-21 15:01:22 · answer #7 · answered by Mad Maxine 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mother-in-law has no right to dictate how your child is raised. You have every right to tell the busy body to stay out of it because being a grandparent does not mean she has control over the child. If you want to be a SAHM and raise your child then that is your right.
2007-04-21 14:13:51 · answer #8 · answered by Tara R 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Asian way of life is different than American. This is a culture clash. A bad one. Frankly, I'm on your side. But your family (for that is what your in-laws are) look at things from a different cultures perspective. That must be taken into account.
HOWEVER, "when in Rome". None of you are in the countries you immigrated from any longer. They need to adapt to American customs.
2007-04-21 14:08:06 · answer #9 · answered by Poppet 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
SIL was out of line. You have a right to live happily with your husband and child. The baby is yours, not your mother-in-law's. Your husband should be standing up for you in this and your sister-in-law should mind her own business. Good luck to you and congratulations on your new baby!
2007-04-21 13:53:08 · answer #10 · answered by la buena bruja 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
MIL's have to learn to respect the DIL. Your kids-your rules- your time. if MIL does not like it then I guess she is SOL. You have to set boundaries in the beginning and you did the right thing. Regardless of culture, you should still be able to set your own rules and feel comfortable in your own home. I had a MIL similar and her nose got out of joint and she tried to "punish me" but once she realized she was affecting her own relationship with her grandchildren she quickly got over it. You go girl and stick to your guns!!
2007-04-21 14:18:17 · answer #11 · answered by annonymous 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋