How do you get over the regret of having kids? Sad question- I know?

Question

I have read some previous questions r/e having kids and regretting it. How do you cope now that they are here? I wished I stopped at one. I really enjoyed parenting my one child. Now that I have three ( twins in 06). I cannot grasp the ideal of parenting ALL of them. I know this is sad!!!! Don;t say anything about PPD, I REALLY Want my old life back. I am married , career, over 30 yrs. it was planned, I thought I did everything right. I feel soo bad and anxious. I can not see how I will fuction if these feelings don't go away. I don't want to harm the kids or myself, I'm not that bad. But I just need to know from parents who has had these feelings , do they ever get better? Should I tell my husband I feel regret? I know so people may suggest therapy or date - night w/ hubby ( we do that twice a month) we have another couple with kids we hang with regulary, but I can't grasp it. I never thoght in a million years that I would feel this way. I know I should have put more thought into it (

Answer 1

I went through something some what similar to what youre going through. I have a degree in both child dev and early childhood education. I wanted to be a teacher ever since i was in my early teens, loved kids and couldn't wait to get married and have a family of my own. I had everything planned: Married at 27, first kid by 29, second by 31 and back to work by 33. Needless to say, it didn't go the way i planned. I married my high school sweet heart at 22 and had my son (planned), Nicholas at almost 25. I went back to work not long after my son was born and was happy. My life wasn't exactly the way i planned but it wasn't bad at all. My husband and i then wanted another kid and i had my 2nd son, Steven, at 27. He was a...hard to deal with baby. He was born premature and had a lot of heath issues, constantly up and constandly crying. My husband wasn't home a lot to help me and i didn't want to seem like a "weak" mother and ask someone for help. I was also trying to work at the same time. Then one day it just hit me; I wasn't happy. Here i was, my late twenties, happily married, 2 sons, a nice house, a great career and all i wanted was the life i had back before kids. I felt like a HORRIBLE person. People told me it was PPD and a list of other medical reasons, but it was just that i needed some time alone. I was tired and stressed and now had two babies. It may not seem like a big difference, but 2 babies is a lot more work than 1, especially with one not being healthy. So i stopped working. I stayed home with my boys and sometimes put them to bed early so i could have some quiet time to myself. I talked to my husband about the way i felt and he suggested that i go away for a weekend by myself and he'd take care of the boys. I did that, went to the beach and just sat there and read. Within a couple months i got over it. It just took some time, relaxation and support from those i love. I'm 35 now, still very happily married with 3 boys, ages 9, 7 and almost 3 and love every moment i have with them. I couldn't imagine my life without any of them.
I understand exactly how you feel and the pain that you're going through. Having twins is a lot of work, but you'll get through it. I'd talk to your husband and see what he says. Maybe take a day every once in a while and go somewhere on your own. See if you can get some help in the house when he's not around. Maybe even go to talk to someone if you feel the need to vent. It'll take some time, but i promise these feelings will change. You'll see. Little ones grow up very quickly and before you know it, they'll be up and running. Take each day one at a time and and don't be afraid to ask for help.
Best wishes to you and hope this helps. Good luck =]

Answer 2

No. Not ever. Sure, it's a struggle more often than it is not, but that's not synonymous with regret. If they are draining all your resources--time, energy, personal goals, money, then I think you need to step back and regroup. How much are you doing for your kids that they ought to be doing for themselves? Are you good with following through on things or do you let up occasionally? If you ever dole out a punishment for one thing and then don't give the same punishment when they commit the same offense later, they learn very quickly how they can take an inch and then a foot and then a yard...etc. If you are not 100% consistent, kids will pick up on it and do everything they can to milk that for all it's worth. And yes, sometimes I do feel like crying and walking out the door, and sometimes I do. Not walk out the front door, but walk into my bedroom and close the door and completely ignore my five misbehaving kids. Often when that happens, they regroup and feel bad for how they've behaved and then we have a long talk about it all. And you do need to take time to rejuvenate yourself. The greatest myth among today's parents is that they have to do everything and be everything for their children. That is simply not true. Generations past have raised good people without going crazy doing it because they know that it's not supposed to be "all about the children". Kids require food and shelter just like they did 100,000 years ago and meeting these basic needs isn't extremely difficult. Because we have better standards of providing food and shelter, parenting has become a difficult art and modern parents feel obliged to spend all their "free time" revolving their lives around their kids. Yet that is not necessary and parents should give themselves a break. As long as you provide food, shelter, love and discipline, your kids will turn out fine and you need to stop worrying and killing yourself over it.

Answer 3

I love my kids but I have felt regret many times for having them so young. My oldest son who is now four years old was born when I had just turned 18. I just thought at the time when I was 17 that I really wanted a baby... then as the months progressed I realized I really didn't but I took care of him and I love him and we're now bonded. Once my 2nd son was born in 2005, things were really good for a while but once again I felt regret after so long but now that I'm 38 weeks preg with my 3rd boy, I'm doing a lot better and I realized quickly that I brought these kids into this world and whether I only thought I wanted them young at the time or not, they are mine and I have the responsibility to care for them as much as possible, and to raise them without regrets. So yes, the regret feeling will eventually go away but it'll go away faster if you stop missing all the things you could be doing if you didn't have kids... there are lots of things you can do that will still make you happy that involve your kids. Yes you should take time to yourself with your husband now and then. I know this may be difficult but try and go somewhere that there are no kids. You can try to tell your husband that, but make sure that he doesn't think that you wanna just set your kids out on the side of the rd or something lol... anyways, I think things will get better for you :-)

Best Of Luck

Answer 4

I have 4 little ones that I thank God for everyday. I do understand the feeling sometimes. I wonder if I only had 1 or 2 would they get more attention from me. You just have to accept the fact that you have 3. You are having regrets for all the wrong reasons. So what you have three kids. There are women out there that will never even get one. They grow up so fast and you can have your life back. When they are all grown and doing there own things and don't want anything to do with Mommy you are going to miss them. Weigh out what is really important. Your career will be there when you get done being a mom. I suggest you talk to a councilor. Sometimes the 2 dates a month just isn't enough. You need to make time for you to be you. It sounds like you are wrapped up in being wife and mom, taking some time for yourself so you can remember who you are is probably a great idea. Please talk to someone. If you decide to tell your hubby take it easy on him. He may be happy and not know that you aren't. There is a very delicate balance that you might tip. Have you talked to your mom or grandmother about the way you feel? It may make you feel better.

Answer 5

I know exactly how u feel, my house is never quiet and someone is always crying. Sometimes it gets so bad - to the point I have to make them go in there rooms for 5-10 minutes so I can "breathe".........But for me it has come to the fact that I just try to enjoy the times that they are little. Because they grow so fast pretty soon you'll be waiting for grand kids just so you can see all the cuteness again. Stay strong - I love my kids with all my heart and soul but sometimes I wish the same thing. But since it was my decision I TRY to do the best with what I got. I think you should try and move on and get the regret out of your head - cause the more you dwell on it the more you'll think about the "what if's".

Answer 6

I have had a similar thought that you are having now, but atm I only have one child. I would love to have another baby, but then I think of all the time I spend with my son now that would be interrupted by having another child. He's 20 months old now, and he loves to cuddle with me in the mornings when he wakes up, before going down for a nap, and before bedtime we sit and rock for sometimes an hour before I put him in bed. Then I think of how I couldn't do that anymore if I had a baby that would need my attention as well. So I can understand what you're saying. BUT, you are aware of your feelings, and it sounds more like you are just a little overwhelmed, especially with twins. First of all I would suggest talking to your husband, your mom, any sisters/close friends you trust, anyone you can get support from! There is no reason to hold these feelings in yourself. A lot of people go through the "ideal of parenting ALL" of their children at some point (I've heard it from many friends and 2 sisters with children) but when they tell friends and family they need help, we're all there to jump in and get them through their tough times. Keep your head up and share your feelings with your family, especially your husband, and seek professional help if you need it. Like I said, it doesn't sound like you regret having your children, it just sounds as if you're a little stressed and overwhelmed and don't know exactly how to handle your feelings. Good luck to you and God bless! Everything will turn out fine! You'll see! :-)

Answer 7

It is a huge adjustment from 1 to 2...from 1 to 3 must be even more overwhelming. Try to get help with them when you can and be sure to take care of yourself and get enough rest...it will make a huge difference in the way you view the world. My sister only ever wanted one and she was so happy but they had a surprise and she got pregnant again...3 weeks after her oldest's 2nd bday she had identical twins. She was overwhelmed at first and it took a bit for her to adjust. They are older now (they are 9 and 7) and she wouldn't trade them for the world and couldn't image life without all of them. You may want to talk to your husband about it...just let him know it isn't that you don't love your twins, but how overwhelmed you are feeling and how you "cannot grasp the idea of parenting all of them". He may be able to put your mind at ease, he may pitch in more which would help you feel less anxious and stressed. He is your partner in life and in raising these children, give him the chance to be there for you...talk to him about it.

Answer 8

I never had the problem but I do know some people that did. They all said to fake it with the kids until the feelings become real. And they assured me that it does become real after a time. As the kids get older, it gets a little easier because they don't need you for every little thing. Everyone I know who has 3 or more kids says that 3 is the hardest number. And you have twins! Of course you're feeling overwhelmed.Talk to your husband, love on your children, and seek counseling if you feel like you really can't go on.

Answer 9

I can't say I know how you feel, because I don't regret having my kids. They are the only good thing that came out of my marriage to my ex. I would try to have a time for yourself everyday to unwind. Try to spend some time with your kids everyday doing something fun for all. I would also try to talk to your husband about how you feel and see if he can offer any help, and maybe you should talk to a therapist to maybe give you some help on coping skills. I wish you the best of luck in this, because I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.

Answer 10

You sound like you are feeling guilty for having these thoughts? I know you don't want to hear it but it sounds like you are suffering from depression. You definately need to talk to your husband, don't go through this alone. You might be surprised how supportive he will be. Just because your children were planned doesn't mean that it is meant to be a happier experience for you. It is tough work being a mum. I feel a bit like that at times, like i want to scream and escape it all. I suffered for along time until I sought help for my depression, everyone else could see it but me. Well I didn't want to believe it, cause I thought that it meant I was a bad mum. Truth is it doesn't mean that at all it just means we are all human and we are allowed to feel this way at times. I wish I had a magic answer for you darling, but I don't. I just suggest to talk to your husband (you never know maybe he feels the same sometimes) see your gp and find a support group. Hang in their sweetheart you are stronger than you think, and you obvisouly love your kids or you wouldn't be beating yourself up so much. Wish I could give you a big hug. good luck