I know a lady friend who has just poured her heart out to me cause she's in love with me and were sharing deepest secrets, and she shared her early life experience of sexual abuse from a custodian, since then she has never really enjoyed sexual intercourse and gets turned off midway. can anyone help????
2007-04-20 22:50:54 · 8 answers · asked by sola e 1 in Health ➔ Women's Health
Encourage her to get counselling. Very few people can overcome this problem without professional help
Good luck to you both.
2007-04-20 22:57:16 · answer #1 · answered by Alice K 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Human beings don't forget--that's how memory works. Where we draw the line is when memories or consequences from memories get in the way of the normal sort of things most people want or have.
Some important points:
- talking to a professional or going for counseling is an individual's decision. If she has decided not to, respect her decision as long as she is not suicidal or the like. On the other hand, if she has really wanted to but has been too afraid, compassionate support in doing so is certainly reasonable
- we often tell people to go see a professional because it is actually us with the problem, such as an alcoholic husband who tells his wife to "see a professional" because she is depressed (due to her husband's drinking). Think hard and make sure this is not the case beforehand, because this is quite insulting and demeaning.
- If she is interested in help, there are certainly possible options for psychotherapy or medications that MAY be helpful, but she should have a specific goal in mind rather than just generic "help."
Let me advise you of the old tongue-in-cheek adage -- "Don't just do something, stand there!" Relax and let her take the lead on this. She's an adult and she is fully capable of deciding to seek help if she needs to.
2007-04-21 06:55:29 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This kind of thing never truely leaves your mind. It will lurk in my mind until the day I die. But you can gradually learn to cope with it.
For most people that requires regular and intense therapy with a qualified therapist or pyschologist.
When in a intimate situation with a man, it is very easy for such memories to be triggered. The tiniest thing can remind you of something that occured while you were being abused. The simplest touch or expression can trigger horrible memories.
It takes time and patience. Always let her set the pace. Never be pushy and demanding. Let her know that she only has to say the word and you will immediately back off and stop. You will need to learn to tell when she is beginning to feel trapped or afraid and you must then immediately stop. Try pleasuring her WITHOUT expecting satisfaction (orgasm) yourself.Focus only on her. Avoid penetration untill she is ready, just use other techniques.
She needs to be shown that males are capable of compassion and gentleness without expecting anything in return.
If you are not, or do not plan on having sex with her, then the best thing for you to do is to just BE THERE. Allow her to come to you when ever she needs you. Always be gentle and patient.
But it is important that she gets proffessional attention, gently suggest it to her.
Best of luck, be gentle, dont rush anything.
2007-04-21 07:27:20 · answer #3 · answered by . 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well with this is a tough one. She must relax and take charge. With having that happen to her she didn't feel in charge and she feel over powered. This can break a women. She needs to take charge of the sex. Make her do what she wants to do. She will enjoy intercourse when she wants to. This younger fatal situation will always be burned into her mind but she is a big girl now and she needs to let it go. Tell her to talk to a counselor or something. This can help he reach her right state of mind about sex. Good luck!
2007-04-21 06:19:51 · answer #4 · answered by fxysxysrkly 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Forgetting is not typically an option.
First of all, let your friend know that you appreciate her sharing her personal history with you. You should feel honored that your friend trusts you and wants you to better understand her. It's not always easy to tell friends and family about the past abuse you've survived. Reassure her that she's a brave woman, and that you're there for her.
Secondly, ask her if she has ever talked about this before. If not, she probably never received any sort of counseling to deal with the past abuse. Encourage her to get the help she deserves. She may be scared to get help, but remind her how brave she is and that counseling can really help her with her current problems (as you mentioned with her not enjoying sex). Do a little research for her and find a some local resources for your friend. Is there a local rape crisis center or a good therapist you know who specializes in helping trauma/sexual assault survivors? Help point her in the right direction.
Your friend has shown you that she loves, trusts, and needs you right now----don't let her down. Do not share what she shares with you with others. Do not destroy her trust---that has been done to her too many times before. Let her have the opportunity to share her story with others IF she wants to and only IF and when she's ready.
Do not expect healing to happen over night. You may wish that for her, but the truth is, is that healing from sexual abuse can be a life-long process with many ups and downs. Expect to see everything from extreme rage to depression. If your friend is ever hurting herself or threatening to hurt herself, don't wait to get professional help right away.
Educate yourself. There's a world of literature and resources available to learn about the effects of sexual trauma and how you can be there for your friend. Educating yourself on the matter may help you to better understand the feelings and actions of your friend.
Get help yourself. This all may be very difficult for yourself. If you're having trouble handeling and processing all this new and devastating information about your friend, consider seeking counseling for yourself. The effects of abuse hurt more than just the victim. Friends and family also feel anger, rage, and sadness for what happened to their loved one.
Hope this helped a bit. It's going to be a long, rocky road for her, as it already has been. Glad she's got you along for the ride. :)
2007-04-21 09:56:50 · answer #5 · answered by Lilith 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She needs to see a professional. She will never forget but she will overcome those feelings and some day enjoy intercourse.
2007-04-21 05:55:52 · answer #6 · answered by j81s79j06 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She shouldn't forget it, it's a part of her history (herstory).
Remembering and learning makes it more unlikely to happen again.
What she can do, is not blame herself.
Encourage her to get help and take back her power.
2007-04-21 05:56:40 · answer #7 · answered by Yuck 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
its not easy, She has to be comfortable with herself and eventully it will get easyer to forget.
2007-04-21 15:31:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋