Do I let her move back in?

Question

My daughter has a really nice boyfriend, he has a good job, goals in life, etc. She cheated on him, and on top of that contracted chlymidia(std). She says they will probably break up. Shes been living with him for 2 years. She (told) me that she might have to move back home. Do you think I should let her, or let her figure out what shes going to do(accepting responsibility and being responsible). She has done wrong and got in a lot of trouble over her life time(she's 23) and Ive had to pick up the pieces and suffer for her mistakes over all those years. This just finally took the cake. I dont think I should have to keep bailing her out of her messes all the time. Meanwhile, she has lost her job, and just got out of jail for violating her probation.(Got a DUI and probably going to have more jail time.) I've had it. Anyway, do you think I should let her move back in or no, and please explain your reason. I dont know what to do with her anymore. Thanks

Answer 1

I would not allow her to move back in. She is an adult now and she needs to face the consequences of her actions on her own. Part of being an adult is taking responsibility and cleaning up your own mess. You have done you best, and been there for her when you could. But, she is too old to run to you now. If she has not grown up enough by now with your help, I would say she is too dependent on you and any further help would be enabling her to make more bad decisions. I am not saying not to continue being there for her to talk to and seek advice from. But, it is time she learn to take care of herself. I am a parent of small children, so I have not had to deal with this, but I sure put my own parents through a lot. Once I became older, they made me handle my own problems and made me a better person for it, despite how hard it was for my mother not to come to my rescue. This will be tough, but that is a part of parenting too. I hope you do not mind being given advice by someone too young to have gone through this with my own children, but I do have experience being the child making the wrong decisions. Maybe not to the degree your daughter has, but I've still been there. Good Luck and I hope your daughter comes to her senses soon and is able to straighten out her life, I am sure she will in time.

Answer 2

I'd say let her move in (she's your daughter, after all), but make sure the ground rules are laid out and non-negotiable. Such as: She has to get a job ASAP, or take a class, or anything constructive with her life, not just hang around and clutter up the place. She has to do certain chores at home to contribute to the household upkeep, such as dishes, laundry, whatever. She has to keep her nose clean, one more probation violation, or any other nonsense, and she's out that very day. She has to join AA to get help with her drinking-and-driving problem. Anything else you might wish to add to the list of rules. Then present her with the list and say: "I will be happy to have you living at home if these rules are understood. No, I will not discuss them. Them's the deal. Take it or leave it." Then follow through.

Answer 3

well honestly your daughter should not be depending on you anymore shes 23 you dont have to suffer for her mistakes guys like that dont come more often let her learn but also dont let her live in the streets if your going to feel bad just let her stay at your home for like 2 weeks or until she gets a job but not more than2 months until she gets a job and enough money to get an apartment or something but if you see that shes not taking you serious then dont let her step all over you kick her out youll feel bad but thats the only way she will learn and if you have done this for her before then dont let her shes jus taking advantage of you and dont give her money she will just be asking for more good luck

Answer 4

No way! She's 23, she can find her own place. She should be on her own now...even if this is just "teaching her a lesson". Let her move home for 2 months, and make her find an apartment or something by the end of that time.

I am 23. Frankly I would hate living with my parents. Adult children need to be treated like adults...not children.

Answer 5

You're a parent. Your sole responsibility is to your children. But, at the same time, you cannot become an enabler. Let her stay for an amount of time, say 6 months. Then, if necessary, kick her out for her own good, and let her know before hand exactly what the rules are.

Of course, if you don't believe she can follow your rules, all deals are off and she will have to make her own way.

Answer 6

She has to learn how to stand on her own feet.

My brother got into serious trouble with drugs and after YEARS of bailing him out, my parents finally decided that he was a man and he had to get himself out of his own mess. After some time, he straightened up and is working hard to restore his life. He is married with a baby and he is doing really well. Had Mom and Dad continued to pay for everything, he never would have learned. He is 24.

My brother-in-law has been in trouble with the law most of his adult life. Has no driver's liscence and my mother-in-law has ALWAYS paid his way out of jail, tickets, etc. He is not 39 years old and his Mom still balances his checkbook and gives him and his live in girlfriend money when they ask for it.

THINK LONG AND HARD BEFORE LETTING HER MOVE BACK IN.

Answer 7

Tell her "NO". It's time for tough love.
This girl is living fast & loose, never having to face her mistakes. Every time you bail her out of trouble you are sending her the message that she'll NEVER have to face her mistakes!

Tell her that she is old enough to take responsibility for her bad decisions, and you will no longer help her. She will have to find a friend to move in with, and she WILL.
Don't waste time feeling bad--at her age, my son was already in IRAQ, and at 23, I was Mom to 3 kids under 5.

You will make her a better & stronger person by NOT helping her....remember that if she tries to guilt you!!

Answer 8

She is old enough to be on her own. She is never going to be responsible if you keep getting her out of trouble.
You need to quit bailing her out of her own messes. If you bail her out, you are what is called an enabler. She will never learn.
I have dated a man for 6 yrs who I cannot marry because he is an enabler. He has 2 kids who are 30 and 26 yrs old and they alternate who moves back home next. Now the problem is they both have partners and kids, so now the babies are in the whole mess. No stability and no responsiblity anywhere. His son has been in jail and stolen money, been charged with arson, burglary and now has a 3 month old baby and drives around drunk with the baby in the car. He does all this because he knows his dad will bail him out.
The daughter is constanly in so much debt she has to borrow money and doesnt really feel oblidged to get a job. Daddy bails her out.
Daddy has diabetes, heart problems, renal failure, and will die working his rear off trying to help these kids out and all they really want is his money. When he was in a coma in the hospital, they tried to get him to sign his paycheck for them and he couldnt. I watched this shinnanigan at his bedside. and now he doesnt believe me or remember.
Loan your daughter money to get her an apartment and make her pay it back over 6 months. Dont let her live with you.
She needs to get on her own and learn to support herself

Answer 9

Do you remember the parable of Prodigal son. No matter how bad his son He still accept it with gladness. She is your daughter that needs your help where can she run for help of course to you her parent. This is the time that you can show her that you love her and may that love change her. May she recognised the mess she have done. In due time she will all realized that you are a loving father. Just be patient. How many times to forgive a person seventy times seven.... This she need your guidance.

Answer 10

rock and a hard place!
i say you need to let her move back with the condition that she is out is exactly 6 months...set the rules before she moves in, she breaks them, she's out...in 6 months, she's out anyway...stick to them.
my reasoning?
for starters, we ALL make mistakes.
secondly, she IS your daughter.
thirdly, she DOES need somewhere to stay while she 'fixes' the mess she has herself in.
and lastly, picking up the pieces and suffering for her mistakes are part of parenting, she needs you more than ever now, but, be firm and set the rules...