Should I stay or should I go now?

Question

I can't trust her anymore. She lies then I snoop. What I find she 'claims' to be plants, but then she lies again and the whole thing keeps going...
My wife of near 7yrs (together 15 total) asked for a trail separation a month ago. She said she'd been unhappy w/ our marriage for almost a year. I wasn't supportive enough at home (cleaning, kids, money) I went through a rough patch where I even called myself a loser. She wanted us to be able to see other people (yes sex too).
The next day I found out she'd been talking to a man behind my back for 2mth (min 3 calls a day, every day c.20min-1hr). She claims not to be sleeping w/ him, but she's lied often to go to his house, she's slept there more than once (claiming only after our separation) She wont give up this 'friendship' that continues to hurt our marriage. In less than 3mth this man has become the closest person in her lifeHer friends tell me she has some stuff to work out, but she's lied for them to sneak out to see 'friends' too

Answer 1

Based upon the information you have provided, I cannot find one legitimate reason for you to stay. Essentially, your marriage is over and if you think it isn't, you are only fooling yourself. Grow a spine and leave. File for divorce and show no mercy. Life is too short to spend it with a *****.

Answer 2

Damn, sounds rough. I can tell you this.... Staying together "for the children" is never a good idea. But besides that you're the only one who knows the answer to that question. Do you still love her? Is she hurting you emotionally? Does she belittle you or degrade you? Can you now- or will you ever trust her again? It really seems like she is messing around with this guy from what you say. I think she should be forced to make a decision to leave or to stay and work it out. Catch her in the act or just confront her about it, tell her you know and she MUST decide.

Answer 3

Divorce her if you know what is right. If you know that she's is cheating on you then tell her what you know and tell her "It's over dear! I know you're sleeping with another man!" Tell her how you feel and take your stuff and leave her. If you'd like then ask her if you can take all YOUR money and the kids to go live with you. If things don't workout then try asking some of your friends and see what they have in mind.

So my answer to you is go now. Tell her the truth and findout who the guy she's with is ( unless you already know) tell him to leave her alone if you still want to be with her. Good-luck, I hope everything works out with you. I know someone who went through the same problem. She tried a lot to stay in the relationship.

Answer 4

Sounds like she wants the best of both worlds. The reliable guy but not the requirement to commit to the relationship and be faithful.

When the trust is so far lost as it seems to be with both of you, trying to reconcile can be a disastrous idea. Plus, you've ggot kids. Think of them.

Alot of couples try to stay together because they feel as though they're letting down the kids and that the kids will be 'damaged' if they separate. Let me tell you this as a qualified welfare worker who works with kids who live in out of home care.

It's hurting the kids more than helping them. If things are negative for you and your wife when you try to stay together, think of the kids. They are ten times more heavily impacted upon.

It sounds like her friends aren't helping things either - well, they think they're helping her and she thinks they're helping but theyre being complicit in your ex's deception - they're telling her it's okay just by covering for her - that's called 'enabling' - it's like when you know someone who is an alcoholic but you buy them a drink anyway - you actively contribute to the worsening of their situation.

Have you tried sitting her down and telling her that you're tired of the lies and asking her isn't she tired too? (I imagine she would be). Tell her that you don't have to stay together but you do want a healthy relationship - that means no more lying.

Also if it helps (and I understand the physical needs may skew long term goals), tell her you want to end the physical aspect of the relationship.

If she's seeing one person, how do you know she's not seeing more. And if she's having sex with you, she may be sleeping with others - it's not just unhealthy co-dependance but it's also a risk of STD's and what if she falls pregnant and you all need to take tests to establish paternity?

Perhaps I'm overthinking this but you're either together or you're not - very few couples can maintain an open relationship after a separation - someone always feels 'ripped off' and as though they're just being used.

Also, one last note, you're not her minder and you shouldn't have to be snooping or checking up on her. That's not fair and it's not healthy - parents can snoop and check but not a spouse / ex. You're meant to be equals so help her act like one by demanding that she behave as an equal for the sake of your children if not for herself.
From the sounds of it, that person could be you.

Good luck,
Meg

P.S. Sorry - was just re-reading your question and the info you provided.

Are drugs a possible issue? You mention 'plants'. That's something that is serious and can impact upon how well she can care for herself and your children.

And you need to stand up, grow up and start looking inwards for strength and ego. You have strengths - you're supporting your ex even though you don't need to, you're a caring person, a father, you're sensitive, intelligent.

You have alot going for you so stop putting yourself down and stop doubting yourself. It's not helping you, your kids or your situation.

Answer 5

Well, without trust u really have nothing especially in amarriage. So u have to ask your self if there is any possible way to regain the lost trust. If the answer is no then run dont walk run and dont look back, if the answer is yes then start with couples counseling maybe with your pastor or someone in that field or whatever your comfortable with. Good luck sugar sounds like you may need it I'll remember u in my prayers

Answer 6

Sidney,
The bottom line is do you still love this woman? If so try and get her to go to marriage counseling with you otherwise forget it and file for divorce. This will put the monkey on her back so to speak. I you act like you don't care even if you do you will see a change and if not move on with your life and do not look back. This is the best advice I can give you given your situation. Good luck!

Answer 7

Ouch. Pay close attention to your first sentence. "I can't trust her anymore." I'm a firm believer that once you lose trust in someone. . . . you don't ever get it back. If you do choose to stay in this relationship. . . there will always be this huge distrust hanging above the two of you. As far as you calling yourself a loser. . . . her making this your fault is a way that she can justify her cheating. The truth is. . . it's not you. In fact, I'm absolutely positive it isn't. She is thinking of only herself right now. . . my only advice is. . . you should start doing the same. YOU YOU YOU. You deserve to be happy and apparently SHE is just making you miserable. Time to move on and forward. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

You don't need that. Yes, you could have been more supportive and you know that. That doesn't give her the right to go outside the marriage (separated or not). I believe it is time to send her on her merry way...especially, since it is gettin crowded with this new 'friendship'.....pllllzzz! I think she checked outta the marriage a long time ago....I wouldn't torture yourself over her....start to get a healthy mindset about the future.

Answer 9

It seems to me she is cheating, you had better make other plans for yourself, it's unfortunate but I think in the long run you will be better off. Get out of it--if she gets pregnant you may be legally $ responsible for 18 years, for child support-believe it or not. She is bad news, SHE is the loser.

Answer 10

It sounds like she is more concerned about this other guys feelings(and her own) more than she is yours. She is being selfish and an unfaithful partner. Suggest marriage counseling to her and give it a try. If she refuses, you cant fix a problem this big by yourself. You may have to move on....