i very rarely want to have sex (i'm 20, my sex drive should be high) . . . am i asexual or is it my boyfriend?

Question

I have been in a relationship for 3 years. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend a few months into the relationship. I was looking forward to it, but afterwards i was disappointed. Since that point, i have only desired to have sex very few times (and those were usually under the influence of alcohol). We would have sex, but it was when he desired to and i just went along with it.
Then we entered a long distance relationship. While apart, he cheated on me. Since then, i have felt that sex is very impersonal and not about love, but just about physical pleasure. Before he cheated, even though i didn't want to have sex, i could tolerate it. Now, i have a hard time tolerating it (it was indifferent, now it's distasteful). We are not apart anymore, so it's not painful anymore. I still like and desire kissing/touching like we did before we first had sex and i know that the cheating has affected me, but besides the very first time, i still haven't really "wanted" sex. Am i asexual?

ok, i was running out of space in the original details section . . . but i don't view not wanting to have sex as a problem. when we were apart, i didn't masturbate or anything. i don't really care to get a toy or anything like that, because i simply don't care/want to be "pleasured" that way.
and the only reason i even think about sex is because of my boyfriend. even though the cheating affected the relationship and my attitude towards sex, that in turn has affected the relationship, because he feels like i'm not attracted to him. he is not my type and never has been. i fell in love with him for his personality/who he is. even people that are my type, i see them and the only thing i really want to do with them is look at them (i am thinking about becoming a modeling agent - i think i would be good at it, because i look at beauty very objectively, at least with the opposite sex).

in response to rosalind: yes, he does give me foreplay and it's not that i don't like it, but i've started not to because i know it will lead to sex. i've told him before, if we could just mess around and not always have to have sex, i wouldn't mind. but i know it will lead to sex, so i have tried to limit/cut out the foreplay because i just want to get it over with.

another thing, he always gets upset and says that i'm not attracted to him and that he can't please me. he says he wants to have sex to pleasure me. he has asked me what i want him to do, but i just DON'T, so i tell him to do whatever feels good to him. he tells me that i don't care about pleasuring him or else i would like it. i asked him to not like it, and he said it was different.

maybe i'm wrong, but it sounds like it really has nothing to do with me. it seems like he's horny so he wants to have sex, and it's a damper on his ego that "he can't please me", which is still about his ego, not my pleasure.

Answer 1

I went through the exact same thing not too long ago. You're not diseased or disfunctional, so dont fret. Youre just human.

I found out that the problem isnt anything to do with sex, or sexuality, or if you are or arent attracted to your partner. In fact the problem is mental/emotional.

You dont trust the physicality of your relationship anymore since things got rough. Now, subconciously you are avoiding sex, finding disinterest in sex, and youre not desiring to have sex. You simply want more of the other great things in the relationship instead.
Youre normal, okay? Normal.
I think the best advice I can give is to tell you to accept that this is how you are dealing with the post-stress of the cheating, separation, ect. Just learn to face that emotionally you are still coping with the past, and learn to focus and live your relationship in the future.
Youre not Asexual.
Talk to our boyfriend about it, and read some articles online or something. Youre not sick and dont need medical help. You need to work on your emotions and placing them correctly in your life, and in your heart.
Good luck.

Answer 2

Probably not assexual.i think the problem perhaps is due to a few things.when u lost your virginity.were really ready or were u coaxed into it ? if so,the love making was probably not what u expected and that could leave u feeling empty inside,maybe even resentful.if u were brought up to wait until marriage or at least until u are in a long.steady,loving relationship.problems could also arise if your mother expressed sex as a duty or unpleasent.i think u feel cheated and robbed.the fact that he cheated is also a big deal,after losing your virginity to him,it hurts.does he give u foreplay and pay attention to u outside the bdroom?it may take awhile to trust him again,maybe u need councelling to help with all issues.are u sure u still love him,and not with him cause he took your virginity?perhaps its time to move on.look inside yourself and be true to yourself,good luck dear.

Answer 3

Asexuality is a general term or self-designation for people who do not exhibit sexual attraction, or who otherwise find sexual behavior unappealing. Obviously you have been hurt but you said you were able to tolerate sex it doesn't sound like you are the problem to me. Are you in love with this guy because look to be real with you if he loved you he wouldnt have cheeted on you.
Dont take offence to what I am about to say but have you ever looked at girls in a different way? Maybe you could find something better think about it.
love isnt about sex its about caring about another person so much that with all the love they have for eachother they make love.

Answer 4

Apparently no man has been able to pleasure you to the point where you know what it's all about. You need to explore some more before you end up with someone who may never share the incredibly wonderful pleasures that go with love inspired sex.

Answer 5

Men peak in their teens. Women peak about 20 years later. At 20, you shouldn't have a high sex drive, like a man's. Don't feel guilty!

It's impossible to have sexual feelings toward someone that has disappointed you ...at whatever age. Now, you're causing yourself emotional pain by forcing yourself to have sex with someone you don't want to have sex with.

You need to move on from this loser. You will find someone better. When your joy comes back, your sex drive will increase, too.

Answer 6

Sounds like you're in a pretty crappy relationship, so you might as well shop around see if any thing turns you on. Personally, I think that you're putting the sex on a pedestal. So what if it's cheap and impersonal, so is fast food and that's pretty damn good.

Answer 7

You're not asexual. You are a highly complex being who is aware that your relationship is a mess. Breakup with him, and when you are in a good relationship again, you will desire sex again. It's hard to desire sex from someone that you dislike, and I suspect that cheating is grounds for dislike!

Answer 8

Well...You can't help but think of how he cheated which leaves you to focus on your pain and his dishonesty...So the sex sucks and so will your relationship because you can't help but not trust in which he will not understand.... Your body is to precious to give to someone who will disrespect it...So I say his luck should be tuff in having sex with you be careful you might end up with a std if he is cheating...............................
You can do better...A real boyfriend won't cheat..........

Answer 9

Actually, most women hit their height of sexuality as they grow older. The problem may simply be he's no good at it. If what he does doesn't please you, and you don't find a way to find out for yourself anf him what would, you may spend your whole life feeling this way.

Sex is, or should be, fun.

Answer 10

Probably just not in love. Happens to people who hang on to someone for the status instead of for love.