My best friend has been dating a married man for 5 years now. Anyone who saw them would never guess they are secrete lovers b/c they have a normal relationship.... but i feel like she has become a "sad" person she used to be very confident and happy.. I also find that she isolates herself from her fam and friends in order to keep his other life secrete. He has had 1 child in his marrage since they have been together. She has tried to move on, but he is always around! They do have a history before he was married "he was her first love" and she really has convinced herself her patience will allow them to be together eventually. She is a great person who has a lot going for herself in every other aspect of her life but i feel like this guy is using her and will never leave his wife... what is the best advice i can give her without making her feel like a horrible person. I think she is miserable but is too ashamed to ask for help!
2007-04-20 09:42:00 · 19 answers · asked by beyondeyezcanc 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Damn..That sucks. I can't even imagine what your friend is going through. First of all "first loves" are always the hardest to get over, and I cant imagine what he has put in her head to make her hold on so long. Second, A relationship of five years is hard to get past as well. Its a double whammy.
You are a great friend to care so much about her situation. I think if you are just there for her, and listen to her not in a judgmental manner you are helping her. When people actually verbalize what they are thinking and feeling it helps make their thoughts clearer. The more she talks about her situation with you, hopefully the clearer the situation will be to her, and maybe she will then find the strength to leave.
She has to make this choice on her own. No amount of convincing or advice will change her mind, she has to see the light herself. Just try to encourage her to talk about it. Something like " So how are you and _________ doing." "You two have been together for along time, you are so lucky" . Adding in the lucky part might get her to open up about how unlucky she really is, and maybe that will get the ball rolling into her opening up more about how she feels, and what she needs to do in order to leave him. Just don't be pushy. Good luck
2007-04-20 09:56:22 · answer #1 · answered by Claudettes18 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You cant change her mind.... in reality????.... she likes it that way. It's like being in love with a priest... The man will never be available, and that is comforting, really, to her. If she really wanted a real life, a real marriage and a real companion, a real family, children, etc., she'd have done so by now. What YOU don't understand, is that this guy is absolutely 'safe'.... he will not make demands on her, she has time to do with what she wants, and has a more or less steady and boinking buddy --- the best of all possible worlds. They are each getting what they want: He has a little something on the side, and she doesn't have to worry about not having her freedom to do with what she wishes. She has convinced herself of nothing...that you claim here... Deeeeepppp down in her heart, she knows he will never leave his wife for her, and further that if he did, it would never even work!!!! She is terrified of a real relationship and a real commitment. So, there is nothing you can do. She likes this better than any other alternative, and has proven it by being with this guy for 5 years.... Feel sorry for her, hon, that she is incapable of a real relationship. And short of getting into counseling to figure out why she is willing to settle for so little (in your eyes, not in hers) she'll stay that way. I have one or two friends who have stayed single and been the "other woman " for 20 years.... and it will go on another 20. When they REALLY do some confessing, they do like it this way. Your friend is like that too.
2007-04-20 17:01:22 · answer #2 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you could show her the question you wrote and this response I guess to let her know you care? Or would she feel bad. Anyway I bet you have already told her in some ways,no? I bet she is trapped in her own routine now. I think a total change, move, huge travel plans or job change etc might shock her out of it. Being exposed to a different and new group such as in a class or volunteer org. might help.You are a caring friend and it is very hard on you I can imagine, to watch this. But you can only do so much, the rest has to come from within herself.
2007-04-20 16:47:46 · answer #3 · answered by barthebear 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is a lost cause, he is using her so bad, if after 5 YEARS of marriage he hasn't left his wife and has even had a child with her, then he isn't planning on leaving her not with the risk of paying childsupport and alimony. Your friend sad to say can't be helped and has little self worth if she is messing with a married man who she knows she comes second too his wife.
2007-04-20 16:46:47 · answer #4 · answered by swtlilblonde31 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to just sit down and talk with her. If she is truly your friend, and does deep down feel ashamed she may totally appreciate you talking to her about it, however, she could react by being mad and not talking to you so beware. You might want to find a good book or take her to a movie that deals with this. Like Terminal cause in that movie Tom Hanks falls in love with a Flight Attendant who is in love with a married man and at his beck n call for many years, Catherine Zeta Jones.
2007-04-20 16:55:36 · answer #5 · answered by Melissa C 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be a true friend - tell her that FOR HER OWN GOOD she needs to make a clean break with this guy - he is using her. He will always have an excuse. She needs to become involved in activities that get her meeting other people - clubs, fitness center, school, etc.
UNLESS - all she wants from life is an affair.
2007-04-20 16:46:36 · answer #6 · answered by molly 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She probably won't leave him due to anything you say. But if you are worried about her I think you should tell her your concerns. Make sure she knows that you are not attacking her or judging her but that you are a concerned friend and just want her to be happy. It is very important that you stress the point that you are not meddling in her love life but you will be there for her if and when she needs to talk.
2007-04-20 16:53:23 · answer #7 · answered by misbotta 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he has the best of both worlds & she has nothing. Men don't leave their wives just for another woman - he would have to pay child support. She needs to see the check list for abusive relationships. Isolation from friends & family is a red flag - always. (www.ndvh.org)
2007-04-20 16:49:14 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
As a married man it first i thought this guy is cool.
but then i thought why don't you confront hI'm
if i was doing the same im sure one of my wife friend would do the same. Or maybe your in love with him too and you like having him around ha!
2007-04-20 16:48:55 · answer #9 · answered by rotcivm2000 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
What the living hell. Why are you allowing her to date a married man? How would you like it if you wife has been cheating on you for 5 years with the same guy, and someone knew and didn't do anything about it?
2007-04-20 16:46:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋