Not only is there the baggage from the rocky relationship, but there is also my issues over the father not wanting anything to do with the child until she was almost 1 year old. Now that he comes around, how do people move on from the bad feelings? I don't want to waste any more time than I already have on this guy.
I have accepted my part of the responsibility of creating this situation and although I really do not like the father, my child is the best thing to every happen to me. I would appreciate any ideas on how people have moved on with their lives.
2007-04-20 08:46:12 · 14 answers · asked by Kim 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It takes time, acceptance and forgiveness....combined with a genuine desire to be rid of the drama. I always have to center myself before I see my ex-husband.....remind myself to be calm and think before I speak.
He is a tool and basically ditched us so I would love to squeeze the life out of him but instead, I remind myself that us getting along is better for the kids. I make sure they are well taken care of and safe when they are there and try to be sure that I am really open minded when I talk to them so they are not stuck in the middle.
I have simply accepted the fact that not all people were meant to be fathers.....but were still blessed with incredibly fast swimmers, sadly. I provide the environment for my children and if he adds to it, fine. If not, I just do it myself. Once I basically took on the responsibility myself, I was able to look at him without such a strong desire to pitch something at his chin........or head. :-)
** the 'forgiveness' part is not forviging them, it's forgiving yourself. Self-hate is a big part of this whole equation......
2007-04-20 08:56:05 · answer #1 · answered by Clarissa 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes he has the right to see his child and I know that it is hard on you since you have taken care of him or her for almost the last year. At least give him a chance to be a dad. If it works out then be happy for your child. You already don't like the father so no don't waste your time on him. There is no you and he anymore. You will hate him for a long time but someday you will forgive and forget. The time that he has missed with his child can never be gotten back and maybe just maybe he realizes that and is ready to make a change, but don't count on it. Sorry but there are a lot of men out there that can father a child but they don't know the first thing about being a dad. If you give him a chance and he fails then the only person he can blame is himself.
2007-04-20 16:20:34 · answer #2 · answered by Shery W 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you've already started to deal by making "the child" the main priority and putting bad feelings aside to allow your child to have the best of the both of you. I think everyone is right in saying "time heals all wounds" sooner or later the past won't be the focus because you will have moved so beyond that! The key is not to hold on to those old feelings especially if they are toxic!!!! After all you would of never allowed him to step to the plate after neglecting the child for 1 year; if you didn't believe deep inside it was somthing you could move past! Don't dwell!!! when those bad thoughts and memories come your way" focus on a thought that is more powerful, like your baby, a funny moment, a happy moment...."
2007-04-20 16:11:35 · answer #3 · answered by beyondeyezcanc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have a 13 yr old son who's father was not in the picture after he turned one. Last summer we started talking on my space. I was really full of hate for him but now I just pity him for missing so much. I am now married with three beautiful kids and one on the way. I learned that the anger is better let go. It will only pull you down. My advice is to just let the anger go and to just deal with your child and do what you do-take care of her. You seem like a great Mom!!!!!
2007-04-20 15:54:47 · answer #4 · answered by memyself 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow I have so many reason to hate my husband...soon to be an ex and at one point he had me to the point where I hated ALL men. But I decided that I was not going to let this ONE person out of all of the billions of people on earth affect my entire life this way. I have children and I did not want my negative attitude to shape their future...especially my girls. I asked myself "how important is this one person and who is he on this earth to let him have total control of how I feel and how I live the rest of my life". I decided not to let him have any more contol over my life than I had already given him for 17years. I decided my peace and my happiness should be determined by me and how I choose to live. If I stay angry and bitter from all of the horrible things that my spouse did to me then he will have won. No person on this earth is that important. The best revenge is being happy and moving on...you being angry and bitter is not hurting him it is only hurting you and your child. Give your child a happy future and life by giving her a happy mother. One of my children told me...mommy if you are happy we are happy and the rest of the children said "that's right". And my children are happier now with their father gone than they were with him here because they saw how unhappy he was making me. So now me and the kids are having a wonderful and happy life and someone new has now come into it ; if I had been still bitter and angry with men then I would have not left room for this wonderful guy who loves me and my kids to come into it.
2007-04-20 16:20:47 · answer #5 · answered by kristin747 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW good question, one I myself am still working on. Take it day by day, and keep a stable happy home for your child. If the guy wants to have something to do with the kid, then let him but keep an eye on him, if not then let him go. He'll regret it later. I found other hobbies for my child and me to do together, so we bond daily. Its gonna take time to not dwell on evil thoughts about the ex, but it gets better honest.
lots of luck. Oh and if you two weren't married then he has equal custody rights to the child, such as if he took off with the kid, you can't do squat, so maybe getting custody set up might be good too.
2007-04-20 15:55:49 · answer #6 · answered by Missy 75 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Compassion is the best medicine. My ex-husband is not a good person. He's done a lot of hurtfull things & I let hate ruin my life for a long time. When I realised that he didn't deserve forgiveness but I deserved to be free of that resentment my life turned around. Eventually I started to feel sorry for him. He has everything he thought he wanted but he's not happy. I thought about his parents and the kind of life he had and how it must feel to know that no one likes you. His lack of social graces make everyone who talks to him dislike him instantly. I feel so much better now that I've allowed myself to feel sorry for him.
2007-04-20 16:10:00 · answer #7 · answered by anjazarovitch 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time. That is the only thing that helps in situations like this. There is no other cure, Lord know that if there were someone would be very rich.
2007-04-20 15:50:22 · answer #8 · answered by Exhausted 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you don't alwasy have to like him or want to deal with him, but it her father and the harder you make it the harder it will be for her. Just remember b/c of him you are lucky enough to have a little girl, when you look at it that way it makes it easier to deal with.
2007-04-20 15:54:27 · answer #9 · answered by debbie v 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to decide that you aren't letting them bother you any more. Literally, you have to commit yourself to not caring. Otherwise, you spend YEARS getting all in a lather over this twit that you've gotten rid of.
2007-04-20 15:55:41 · answer #10 · answered by Kaia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋