My ex wife gets to me by saying things she knows will get to me!?

Question

Ok here it is. she calls me stupid and immature. she's the one that failed at marriage-she cheated with the best friend who was also married. she calls me names and continues to contact my family as nothing happened- asking for favors. then she tells me when we get into arguement about the kids that since the actual visitation dates aren't in the arrangement that she'll not let me see my daughters. after that she normally knows i'm pretty mad so she says well your mad b/c you aren't getting it anymore. how do i stop this? i have to have contact with her b/c of the kids. i try to avoid by sending text messages or by meeting in a public place so she doesn't argue. i have tried many different things but it seems as if nothing is working. If i don't answer the phone she blocks her #. she doesn't respond to e-mails since i just try to have some what of a business relationship with her. I need some help here- i'm afraid that this anger b/c of this will roll over to other relationships!

Answer 1

Let me say my sympathy goes out to you. Your first step is to take a deep breath, and say I am in control of this. She is unhappy and she wants to make sure you're not happy either. After all, after the divorce you're supposed to live in a teeny tiny apartment, have no life and be miserable while she's back on the market dating up a storm. What - that's not happening for her? Hmmmm ok back on track here... There is no reason that you have to allow her to speak to you that way. When she starts on one of her rants say very calmly - " I think we should continue this conversation at another time. Good bye." And HANG UP. Be firm. Everytime she slips into name calling - same thing - "I think we should continue this conversation at another time.Good Bye." Hang Up. Meeting in public places to exhange the children is a good thing - even so if yo get into a fight - walk away. Your children will see you are in control of yourself an she is not. Next get a lawyer - I have never heard of a divorce decree that doesn't specify visitation - maybe your state is different but most states require a parenting plan to be attached to the divorce decree. At the bare minimum you should get your children on Wednesday nights and every other weekend, unless you've agreed to a different arrangement. Even so, it should say the third Tuesday of every month or whatever you agreed to. And, she can't keep your children from you. Don't let her threaten you into believing that she can prevent you from seeing them. I wanted to keep my unsafe ex- husband away from my children and the court wouldn't let me. It may cost you some money, but your daughters are worth it. And, no you can't stop her (or your family for that matter ) from keeping in touch. They want to see the kids too you know. Lastly, find a good therapist/counselor. Yes, you are angry and you have every right to be. You need to talk it out with a professional. You will be happier, and any future relationships will be better. I recommend a book called Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford - it really made me feel a whole lot better. Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

The things she says will only effect you if you allow them to. Be strong, keep the conversations short - ask her to not call your family and to move on, tell her that your family would rather her not call them -warn them that you will be saying this so that they can back up this story b/c she'll be asking them you maty aslo have to tell her to stop dragging your family int he middle of the situation. Do not let anything she says trigger you to saying something back! React with no reaction! Tell her "I'm not arguing with you today - good-bye" and hang up! and it eveytime the conversation started heading that way. Do not let her know that anything that she does or says bothers you b/c she'll do it more, she will eventually quit. Never let her in your house ever - met her at the door! Realize that she is ignorant and feels she has to play on your emotions b/c that is her only way to get your attention b/c she really does want it but she knows no other way of getting it. When this all finally sets in and when she asks what is wrong simple tell her you're moving on without the games and it's time for her to grow up for the children sake and that you've had enough. If you don't give into it she'll have no other choice but to quit. Be angry no more, you are giving her that energy she does not deserve.

The essnece is at ease always will be, always can be, as long as you are in control and don't give in to to her stupidity and games! Best wishes to ya'

Answer 3

I deal with a very similar ex and know exactly what you are saying. Time is your best friend and as more passes, this will happen less and less frequently, but as long as she knows it is getting to you, she will keep yanking that chain. You need to take her enjoyment of it away from her. Regardless of how angry she makes you, you need to be just as polite and calm as you have ever been. Let her rant and rave and say all she wants. You need to talk to your family and let them know that if she calls asking for favors, that they need to send her to you and if it is necessary for their help, you will be the one to ask, not her. Let your family know that they are just making it harder by letting her continue. When she calls, answer the phone like this. "Hi (her name), I just want to inform you that this phone call is being recorded." I actually purchased a recording device because I thought I would need it in court, but an amazing thing happened. When she found out that the things she said were being recorded, she completely changed the way she talked to me and the stuff she said. Whatever you do, do not let her effect anything in your future, she is spiteful, angry and vindictive and it is her fault she is where she is. Stay the course and you will be glad you did in the long run, I know I am.

Answer 4

She sounds bitter and hell-bent on making your life a living hell....how are the kids doing, btw? I would get the visitation clarified either in court or notarized down to the pick up time, location and transportationg repsonsibility. When you are dealing with an angry control-freak, the only way to deal is the get something set in stone that cannot be messed with.

And if you are self aware enough to realize that she is saying all the crap just to piss you off then you are strong enough to acknowledge that (to yourself) as it happens and try to be calm. I used to feel like I was going to burst into tears every time I had to drop off or pick up the kids from my ex in the beginning so I came up with a certain word or thought and it immediately dried my tears and allowed me to center myself.

For me, the word was alcohol........not sure if that was because it was the cause of the whole disaster or because alcohol dries you out - lol - the mind is a crazy creature.....but it works like a charm and without it, I would have lost my mind along time ago.

She is trying to rattle your cage and the longer you allow her to do it, the longer this will go on. Much like a 3rd grader, once she realizes she is not getting to you, she will lose interest and move on to new prey.

Answer 5

Want to know how to get your ex back? Change yourself. Don't worry about changing other people, worry about changing yourself. Go to https://tr.im/zNG6L

Once you do that then you can start to worry about getting back together with your ex, other wise you will find that you are fighting about all the same things and getting no where. Do what it takes and I promise things will work out in your favor.

The funny thing is I came to the realization that I had to change a little too late. After I was kicked out and after I was about to lose the only things that truly mattered to me - her love. A funny thing happens when we truly love someone and lose them. We do what ever it takes to get them back. For me I had to drop bad habits that had caused not only our relationship to sour but practically every other relationship I had had in the past. Not only with women, but with friends, co-workers, family, you name it.

Which is why I say to you as my ex at the time said to me, the only thing you can do is change yourself. Work on yourself and improve on the person that you already are. Drop the negative things in your life that don't belong there and you will see all of your relationships start to take off to new heights.

Answer 6

we had this same situation with my husbands ex. we took her back to court and had visitation increased, because she has to allow you to see them for the state minimum. They only are allowed to communicate via e-mail. He had to give his family an ultimatum about continuing relationships with her. Although everyone can be "friendly" for the kids sake, there doesn't need to be any overt contact with each other. She is trying to get you mad to show that you may dangerous. she also loves she still has an effect on you even if its only anger. Please take a deep breath and remember that.....best of luck to you and when you are not with her don't think about how mad she makes you

Answer 7

Bottom line: she's a b*tch and she's not afraid to let it show. Start being as rude to her as she is to you and ignore her childish behavior. When she calls, go ahead and answer the phone and if she starts to push your buttons don't let her know it. Tell her she's a child and then hang up on her. You won't be able to change her. All you can do is change how you deal with her. And remember that if she ever tries to keep your kids from you, take yourself to family court and file a complaint against her. My ex-husband used to do that to me all the time because he knew he could get under my skin. I just started to ignore his stupid little comments and I cussed him out from time to time and now he leaves me alone. I hope things work out.

Answer 8

Wow, she sounds just like my ex-husband.

It's hard, but you need to work on not letting her get to you. I've finally found that place where he can't push my buttons anymore and it's an awesome feeling.

Just like children will pick at each other to get a reaction, she's doing the same to you. I truly believe that if she starts seeing that you aren't reacting to her ploys, she'll start letting it go.

But, like you said - you need to treat it as a professional arrangement. One thing that worked for me was to tell him I'm hanging up now and then hang up the phone whenever I felt myself getting worked up and ready to blow.

Sorry for what you're going through and good luck.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

She is doing it to get to you....she is looking for you to care enough to step in and go the extra mile to fight. Some woman think that caring means being feeling to argue or fight for love...and getting you to blood boiling point tells her YOU ARE emotionally attached. I think she just wanted to know you still care even though she is going about it the wrong way. The more you back away and try to avoid her..the more she will dig in...because for you to walk away..tells her...you don't care and you don't love her. Some woman just need to get loud and argue because they don't have a clue to simply say....I'm hurt