Did your widowed mom find a reason to keep going? When? How?

Question

My precious father died suddenly and unexpectedly (to us - in retrospect, he had an inkling, we believe) at age 65 a year ago. He and my mom had been together since she was 14.

In his last few months, dad told mom a few times how terrific they were, how far they'd come since being impoverished, abused kids in NYC, what a nice family and life they'd built. And that was true. Mom liked to say, "We had it all, like Bogey and Bacall." And she - and we - like to remember dad with smiles and pride, if usually through tears.

Because they had just retired and moved to warmer climes, mom essentially has lost her whole life. (Dad had wanted to stay here but gave mom her wish to live winters warm - and they did get one warm winter together - he died the last day of that winter, in fact.)

She tries: she volunteers, she goes to a craft studio 2x a week for hours, she goes to movies, bingo, lunches. But her main feeling about life is emptiness and 'why bother?'

She goes to a grief group, but when does grief stop being 'normal' and become a depressive disorder (which she has a history of.)
She is coming to visit for two weeks. This will be her 5th two week visit since dad's death. Typically, she is so angry that she focuses on how we differ from her in ways that displease her. We can't get her to go on outings - and we live in an area with multiple great destinations - because there's 'too much to do around here.' If I run around trying to clean or repair or paint or whatever all the things that need doing in our fixer upper house, then she's unhappy that I'm not sitting with her playing cards or surfing the net.

At other times, she's worked at my side on projects for hours - she and dad were always champion hard workers - I don't want to misrepresent her. But that was early on - all subsequent visits she has been mostly angry and resistant to activities.It's good for my sister for mom to come here , but I want it to be good for mom.

As I type this out - if you're still with me here - I see there are two main issues:

Is it possible for a 64 year old widow who had an intense, loving, nearly half century marriage to her best friend to move on to a life she feels is worth living for herself, not just for her kids and grandkids?

How can I better manage these visits from mom so that she is helped by them ?

Answer 1

I'm so sorry. my dad died about 20 years ago. he just didn't wake up one morning. my mom was in a fog for a while, but she's doing great now. since she just moved there, maybe she should talk to someone from hospice. they will help her work through her grief. Mom had lived in their house for years and had lots of friends to help her get through it all. maybe your mom should call hospice for grief counseling. just give her time. that's the ultimate healer. she's not sitting home feeling sorry for herself, so I think she'll get better as time goes on. nothing will fill that void left by your father's passing, but it will get better slowly.

Answer 2

When I clicked on your question, I thought maybe I would have an answer because my grandma was widowed about 4 years ago. But after reading your story I really don't know what to say.
My grandpa was very ill, and we were expecting him to pass... and we wanted him to be with the Lord instead of living in pain. She just resumed her life doing the things that she couldn't do while she was at my grandpa's side. I realize that your situation is different.
It would be out of place for me to give you advice on this situation because I don't know what you and your family are going through...
So... my point in responding to this question is to say that I will pray for you and your mom.