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Question

I am in a spot where I want my son to go live with his dad. I am tired of the disrespect and not being responsible. He is going to be thirteen and acts like he is 2. I have been consistent with him taking things away throwing things away when he will not take care of them. He told me his dad is better and everything is always my fault. But his dad does not want him living with him. His dad also says everything is always my fault also. Any ideas would be helpful thanks

We are in counseling. We are also dealing with him having adhd and bipolar but I do not use these as an excuse and I refuse to.

Answer 1

Hi..

This is a difficult situation. Your child needs professional help from a Dr. Everyone is going to give you advise on throwing the kid out of the house and send him to Dad.

If your child has ADHD & Bipolar, he needs professional help. You will need to be trained on how to deal with the child. Is the child on Med's?? Until someone is in your shoes, they really can not totally understand what they are saying.

Has your child been diagnosed properly? Has he been classified in school? If he is not in a setting for children with learning disabilities, he can be very frustrated at school. He needs to be in a setting where they can handle him and teach him. Go to your school and have him test for Special Ed services. As I found out 3 years too late, you must present this request in writing. Send the letter certified mail as well.

There are other services out there as well such as CHADD.org.

See below:
ADHD is a common behavioral disorder that affects an estimated 8% to 10% of school-age children. Boys are about three times more likely than girls to be diagnosed with it, though it's not yet understood why. Children with ADHD act without thinking, are hyperactive, and have trouble focusing. They may understand what's expected of them but have trouble following through because they can't sit still, pay attention, or attend to details.

Of course, all children (especially younger ones) act this way at times, particularly when they're anxious or excited. But the difference with ADHD is that symptoms are present over a longer period of time and occur in different settings. They impair a child's ability to function socially, academically, and at home.

The good news is, with proper treatment, children with ADHD can learn to successfully live with and manage their symptoms.
What Are the Symptoms?

ADHD used to be known as attention deficit disorder, or ADD. In 1994, it was renamed ADHD and broken down into three subtypes, each with its own pattern of behaviors:

1. an inattentive type, with signs that include:

* inability to pay attention to details or a tendency to make careless errors in schoolwork or other activities
* difficulty with sustained attention in tasks or play activities
* apparent listening problems
* difficulty following instructions
* problems with organization
* avoidance or dislike of tasks that require mental effort
* tendency to lose things like toys, notebooks, or homework
* distractibility
* forgetfulness in daily activities

2. a hyperactive-impulsive type, with signs that include:

* fidgeting or squirming
* difficulty remaining seated
* excessive running or climbing
* difficulty playing quietly
* always seeming to be "on the go"
* excessive talking
* blurting out answers before hearing the full question
* difficulty waiting for a turn or in line
* problems with interrupting or intruding

3. a combined type, which involves a combination of the other two types and is the most common

Although it can often be challenging to raise kids with ADHD, it's important to remember they aren't "bad," "acting out," or being difficult on purpose. And children who are diagnosed with ADHD have difficulty controlling their behavior without medication or behavioral therapy.

You may be searching for a Dr. for a little while, cause you do need to get the best Dr. So be careful. Also be careful with the med's and watch your child if he is on medication. Some are turning out to be very dangerous.

I feel for you and my heart goes out to you.

Good luck to you.

Answer 2

Not an easy question to answer without more facts. However, in my experience boys are very difficult between 13 and 16. Its that 1/2 man, 1/2 boy stage. Try to pick your battles and not sweat the small stuff. Give him some independence, but be firm with the rules that you consider inviolable. Don't make threats you cannot follow through with.

He does need a man in his life at this age. If his father doesn't step up, try to get him involved in a community centre, YMCA, Big Brothers or similar. And remember, your child, good or bad, is ultimatelyyour own responsibility. Never give up on him.

Answer 3

You have probably already found a solution, and this may be late, but sometimes the easy way out, it's not the best way out. Just giving him up, it's kinda weak. If you love your son, fight for his good behaviour and love and respect. It sounds like he needs discipline. Not physical, of course. I'm currently 14, so I know how he's probably acting. No matter how long ago, the divorce/seperation may be affecting him, still. You need to teach him how to act properly. Teach him the consequences of the real world when he acts out. Tell him that they aren't going to just let it go. Tough love is hard, but he may need some. Put him in a program where they teach this if you can't teach him it. Take away his rights in the house. Take away any tablets, phones, tv's and any outside time or time with his friends if he's disrespectful or rude or acts up. Get his dad involved in punishments. Coming from both sides, he needs discipline and consequences and punishments.

Answer 4

Gee, ain't divorce grand? No ideas, sorry. You just have to deal with it. The kid is playing you two off each other. Probably learned it from you two somewhere along the way. It sucks. No good male role model around to deal with him, and the kid is grasping the power dynamics of a divorced couple, and he's manipulating you when things don't work out.

Sounds like you all (the whole family) need to spend some time in family therapy just to sort this out. It can't hurt. If you have insurance, it might be the best couple of months' woth of appointments you ever invested in.

I sure can't answer it from this small amount of information you've given us, and I have no idea just how bad your situation is exactly, but I knew a lot of kids from divorced families when I was growing up, and this isn't that atypical.

Answer 5

He's your son. Regardless of how difficult he is being, he is your son, and it is your job to protect him. No matter what! The counseling is good, and will help. If after several months, there is no change, find a different counselor. If you send your son to live with his dad, you are only going to teach him that " if you don't do what I want you to, I will throw you away". If you were to get a puppy, and after a few months this puppy is still peeing in your house...are you going to send him to the pound? Maybe the way you react to your son's bad behavior, is actually encourageing and empowering him to act worse. Take some time to look deeper inside yourself, think of how you react to him, think of how you talk to him. Maybe he is acting out because he needs you to treat him differently? When a child acts out and treats you with disrespect, the best thing you can do, is show him nothing but love. I would guess your son feels as if neither you or his dad love him. That's not fair. And at 13, woman, he's still a child! And now he's hormonal on top of that! My daughter just turned 13. And in the last year she has gone from the happy go lucky, helpful, respectful child, to an almost absolute monster. Lying, sneaking around, screwing off in school, disrespctful and recluse. Several weeks went by and I was at my wits end. I didn't know what to do. So finally, I started hugging her and telling her I love her before she heads to school, having 30 minutes of time with her after school where she has the floor to say whatever is on her mind...and she changed. With kids, especially that young, when they start acting like that, you want to shower them with even more love. It may not change their attitudes, but at least when they become adults, they wont doubt how you feel about them. Don't throw your son away. He needs you.

Answer 6

yes, have a sit down with your son and your ex. Either in person or on the phone. Explain to your ex that the son wants to live with the dad, and you want it also, because of the disrespect. With the son on the phone or in person, he can see first hand the dad's response. He may change his mind about how wonderful the dad is, when he hears it for himself, that the dad doesn't want him. Or you may find that the dad has changed, and takes the son. In either case you will get some relief.

Answer 7

I have a teenage daughter and am in your position. She thought everything her dad did was better... .. I told him yes, I TOLD HIM do not even suggest and give him the chance to back out that your son will alternate weeks with the both of you. This may be hard to do if you both live in different towns though. Trust me - all that "buying love" by dad will stop and he will see the grass is not greener.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Tell him that if everything is so bad at home that you'll look into a group home for him and when he says he can just go live with his dad let him call and ask! Dad will either have to say yes or your son will have to hear the truth then maybe he'll act better for you since he'll realize that it's you or a group home.

Answer 9

I think its time to put on the pants mom . Spend a little more time with him do some guy stuff like fishing but have him bate your hook make it look like you need him instead of your going to control him . By taking his stuff and throwing it away well put it this way i wouldn't be very fond of you either .How would you like it if every time you didn't do something someone wanted you to do they would collect your stuff and put it in the garbage ?

One thing you should know is that your not in competition with your son your the leader and all great leaders are wise not commanding .

Your just going to have to earn respect just like all the rest of us even with the kids you cant force it

Answer 10

Dad needs to step up to the plate. I hope he`s sitting in these counseling sessions too. A male role model is what he needs and your son needs to realize he can`t push you around...... your his mother. Boot camp might work, but we tried that and our problems only got worse. (He was 15 at the time ) He became very resentful and even more unruly. Keep jerking the privilages and dad most certainly needs to get involved. Take it to the juvenile court service worker and see what they suggest.