Need mature lady advice please...?

Question

A girl 11 years my junior is interested in me. I'm early 30's. I've already made it clear I'm not interested, but everytime I talk to her makes her think that I somehow am. We are a part of an entertainment group so I can't avoid her. I don't want to cause a scene as she tends to pout. I also don't want to be nasty. She sometimes acts as if she owns me, as when I first joined we were coupled up for a few things. Last week she got all stroppy when she thought I complimented another lady, when I didn't, so her imagination is ticking as well. I need a way to do this where we can still communicate in a civil way. Everything I've tried just keeps her coming for more, even when I'm stern, makes her more into me. It's gotta stop but minus the drama, so I need a female perspective. How do I get her to leave me alone, and without lying, like saying I have a girlfriend?

Or boyfriend. I like your wit Queen

She is 11 years my jumior, not 11. I'm 32 she's 21

Answer 1

Unfortunately these are the type of women that give the rest of us a reputation as silly, trifling, and irrational. It sounds like she is behaving more like a 14 year old girl than a young woman, so you're very wise to avoid involvement with her.

There is no completely drama-free way to handle this situation, because anything you might do to make it clear to her that you are definetely not interested in her will give her cause to be upset, and judging by her past behavior that will probably involve pouting, and I wouldn't put it past her to try to villianize you in the eyes of the other members of the group. If you are not harshly clear enough with her, her attentions will persist, but if you are clear enough she will be hurt, and will not take the insult to her pride lightly.

I would suggest simply taking her aside (I'm sure she'd leap at the chance to be alone with you, for any reason) and telling her that you're very flattered by her interest in you, but she needs to understand that you are not interested in her, are not attracted to her, and really want her to let this subject go permanently. Under ordinary circumstances I would suggest telling her she's a great girl and it's nothing personal, etc., but in this case I'm afraid any compliment you give her would be taken as encouragement. Tell her you really want to have a good working relationship with her, but that you want her to understand that you want no other involvement with her than that. The reason it's important to stress that you want her to understand this is because you should try to get her to assent to what you're asking before this conversation is over. Once you've said your piece, ask her if what you've said makes sense to her. Ask her if she thinks that she can do this. Naturally, she won't want to suggest that she is incapable, so she'll say yes, which will give her something of an obligation to prove herself right. This will make doing what you've asked a point of pride for her. I would not advise you to manipulate a person in this way if it could be avoided, but this girl is so immature that trickery is your best shot at keeping the peace. Good luck!

Answer 2

Sorry, you are going to have to be a little cruel to be kind here. She is not taking no for an answer, you have told her you are not interested. And keeping civil is not really going to work, because she is simply not willing to respect your wishes or listen to how you feel.

She has it bad. You can always take her to oneside privately and tell her this has got to stop, you have tried to be pleasant and remain friendly, but she is simply forcing you into an embarrassing position, so in future you will be keeping your distance and if she takes that as a slap in the face, so be it

She'll have to learn the hardway and believe me, if you keep trying to be Mr nice guy, this problem will continue. She is in your space, in your face, and she has absolutely NO right to be there. She does not own you, and it's time you gave her the cold shoulder. Too bad, you have given her every chance and been very patient.

You should not have to lie, just tell her to leave off and respect your feelings. This is bordering on harrassment actually and you have a duty to crush her corns when she's in your space.

There isn't really any alternative. If you give her any attention at all, she takes that as a come on. If you don't, she pouts. Let her pout. you are not being nasty, and this is her ploy to make you feel guilty or bad. almost emotional blackmail. That is unacceptable.

Keep your distance and do NOT talk to her, except the most basic of pleasantries like hello, or goodbye. If that gets her going, avoid that as well. Be distant in how you respond to her, rather unemotional and indifferent.

Sorry, but this is the only way. She is going to have to learn and grow up a bit. She is basically not getting what she wants and she doesn't like it. Tough cookie, she's going to have to accept it.

Answer 3

Consider the possibility that you are sending her mixed signals. You may think you're being clear and "stern," but your tone and facial expressions might be sending another message, perhaps that you find this flattering or exciting. Examine your own feelings and then make a clear decision. If you waver, it will be communicated, even against your conscious intention.

Let her know what behavior you want her to stop and don't respond after that. Eventually, she will look elsewhere. Your description of her says she is possessive and immature, a deadly combination. Ignore her pouting and tantrums. Any response from you, positive or negative, will encourage her.

Answer 4

Look, be nice, tell her politely to scram.

If she doesn't respond then it is time to be... what us girls call bitchy. Tell her she's being really immature and you're not interested. The message needs to get across and if she's going to ignore it then you have to make her listen or live with her pouting and childish ways.

Sometimes diplomacy doesn't work, its sad but very true a lot of the time.

Another possible alternative would be to talk to the leader of the group and see if she/he can give her a little talk. She might get the message that way too. I'm sure the other members have probably noted it too and wondering what was going on.

Answer 5

you just have to tell her straight . like " look , I have to tell you I like you as a friend but I am not attracted to you at all . and I would like to keep our friendship so that we can still work together ." it has to be direct and sharp , no smiles no smirks nothing like that . she sounds imature , you need to give her a dose of a grown up . if she cant take it then that is just the way it is . you cant control her reaction but if she thinks you dont mean what you say she will never stop and she will think you are playing a cute game with her. if she still doesnt believe you then just completely ignore her unless it is work related, dont look at her , smile at her or nothing. I know you want this to be minus the drama . but i think the drama will be there no matter what from her , the less you react to her tantrums and drama , the less drama there will be ... and yes you will hurt her feelings but that is the way it is . .. , the faster you get it through to her the sooner you can move forward and her too.

Answer 6

My Gosh, unless u can talk to her privately &tell her u just not interested (which i think wont work- she'll think u still playing hard to get)...u just going to have to find ur self another female and fast. Not to make it a lie.

U see some women just dont get the picture, so to put her in her place u need to give her a visual, I mean smooch and everything.

I know that is kinda an imature thing to do, but if u cant put a definate obstecal in her direction she is going to keep on chasing after u.

Answer 7

Tell her u have a girlfriend or get a girlfriend. It's the easiest way. The way she's acting is her way of dealing with the rejection. She feels like she can change ur mind or love the chase of it. It's kinda like deep down, she can't believe u don't want her. And the more u reject her, she might act very obnoxious to u because u rejected her. Yeah, it's immature but it happens. Lol. But a girlfriend should do the trick.

Answer 8

It sounds to me like the more you say no, the more she wants you. She sounds quite immature and by pushing her away you seem to be making yourself more appealing. I think something definitely needs to change because its ridiculous that she's becoming possessive of you when there is nothing going on. I know you don't want to lie to her (which I respect) but I really think you are running out of options. My other suggest would be to ignore / avoid her - but you can't because you obviously interact regularly as part of your entertainment group. You've already told her you're not interested (sometimes sternly) and this seems to have th opposite effect, fueling her desire for you even more. So I really would advise telling her you're seeing someone else and that its not going to happen. Good luck.

Answer 9

" I think you are a great girl and am glad we are friends but realise that is all I feel for you, friendship. I wish I could feel more but it would not be fair to you or me for us to get together in anyway as it is not what I want. I am not attracted to you in a sexual type of way"
" I really hope you find someone wonderful to hang out with and I am sorry that it just cant be me"

You need to be very upfront and give her NO room to misunderstand. If necessary you may need to take a 3rd person as a witness if you think she might get nasty.

For me this would be hard to hear but I would get the message.

Answer 10

hey; u need to tell her how u are feeling. if that dosnt work u have to say that u do have a girlfreind that way she willl back off. and she might be hurt but it has to come out in the end. i had a boyfriend and i had the same thing happin. in the old i told him i had a boyfriend even thought i didnt like him in that way. so i said i had. and he was a bit heart broken and had to tel him the truth and he then left me alone. hope this helps. dont forget to say, u are really sorry.